How do I get my husband back?

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I need your help. It has been three months since my husband has left me. I was shocked and devastated when he left. The morning before he left we talked about, and both cried about throwing away 8 years of being together. There was a lot of abuse in his home growing up, sexual and emotional. My home life was also less than perfect, I suffered from sexual abuse as a child. Our home lives affected both our communication skills. We started having problems a little time after our little girl was born two years ago. He has admitted being jealous of her, about how much time I spent with her. I admit my admiration of him and affection towards him diminished, all my focus was on our child. Our sex life diminished. I had an eating disorder which also put stress on our marriage. I have overcome this now with the help of counseling but I can see the pressure and strain I placed on the marriage. He would resent the amount of time I would spend with my family, he felt like I wanted to be with them more than him. Yet he would work 6 days a week and on the seventh his cell phone would constantly be ringing. This past Christmas my husband met another woman and decided to leave me saying we had no chance of reconciliation. Saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me. It came as a shock because a week before he left, we were discussing things which impacted on our futures, ie. buying another house etc... At first he denied there being another woman. After finding out from a friend that there was, I confronted him with the information then he admitted it. He says that it is not serious and probably never will be. The people he associates with are mainly single & use drugs frequently. At the moment I am so confused, he often reminds me of the Jeckyl and Hyde story. One moment he is kind, sweet then another time he will be accusing, making harsh statements that hurt me. He does come over to visit and now he stays longer, he has even said that he stays longer because he finds it hard to leave. I notice he looks at me while he thinks I'm not looking. It sends me into confusion not knowing whether he is playing with my emotions or being pulled back to the family he left behind. I feel like some days we get closer, we seem to be on the right track but then he diverts back to his reasons for leaving me, speaking about how people never change, that in a few years we would be back at the same point. I often wonder what things are being mentioned in his ear when he is with her. How she must be dreading the thought of him leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. We are both seeing lawyers, the house is on the market. I feel like we're both on scales that could tip either way. I love him so very much, I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so much - Christine

Advice: Dear Christine: The only thing you can do, now that you are not living together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by", and seem anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a point to cut the visit short because you have plans. The point is that your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other woman. It make take some time, but you can do this!

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com