He admitted to having an affair & wants to leave our marriage

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband gave me the shock of my life a few weeks ago. He admitted to having an affair that has him believing that he may want to leave this marriage of 6 years to be with this woman. Just a few months prior to this, we talked about starting a family. I was devastated and it took me a week to stop crying enough to go back to work. He is not sure what he wants to do and doesn't want to call it quits with me until he is positive that this is the right thing for him to do. He has moved out of the house and has gotten an apartment. We have a black-tie affair coming up that is already paid for. I told him to forget the black-tie affair and he said that we should go. It surprised me because under the circumstances I thought he would have loved to get out of that. Here's my question. I know we will both be drinking (not heavily but enough not to drive) and he'll certainly be in no condition to drive back to his apartment. The party is within walking distance of our home. I was thinking of having him come back to the house and letting him stay in the guest room. Do you think that would be okay? - Alicia

Advice: Dear Alicia: I am truly surprised by your question but since you asked me, here is my answer. I would cancel the black-tie affair and cut off all contact with him abruptly. It is the only way he will miss you and realize what a fool he has been. One of the reasons he may not want to cut it off completely with you is that if it doesn't work out with this other woman, he still has you to come back to. How convenient for him. If he feels that he may lose you while he is deciding, then maybe he will speed up the process.

If you allow him to spend the night at your home, there is a fair chance that you'll wind up in bed together because you both will have had too much to drink. You will feel awful the next morning if he says nothing has changed for him. If you refuse to go to bed with him, knowing that he is in the next room you will feel lonely, desolate and empty. Either way this will be a no-win situation for you. He is holding the cards for your future together and what he says the next morning might set you back to square one, hurting you the same as he did when he first told you his feelings. So it makes no difference whether he stays in the guest room or not. I think the few hours of hope and pleasure that you might experience will not be worth days of pain that will follow. That is my honest opinion and I hope that I have not hurt you. I personally have always thought staying in limbo is worse than hitting rock bottom. At least when you hit rock bottom there is no where to go but up. Being in limbo is forever and prevents you from getting on with your life. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com