Reluctant To Make A New Relationship Commitment

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I think your newsletter is fantastic and I really appreciate it. I've had your tapes for years and they have helped me a lot. I've have been divorced for many years and have had a few relationships that really ended poorly. I have learned some painful lessons. I find now that I am meeting a much better caliber of man because I have raised my expectations. Now that I am getting to know some really good ones, I am reluctant to make a commitment. I fear that I might have to give up some of my independence if I become part of a couple. What I dread the most is changing the plan that I have for myself. My daughter is 16 and will finish high school in 2 years. I would love to move away from the small town that we live in, but I have promised that I will stay until she is done with school. My interests and curious nature cannot be satisfied here anymore. I am tired of driving an hour just to go dancing or see a play. I'm self-employed so what I do I can do anywhere. I met a man recently that appears to be pretty great. He wants a commitment from me and I just can't do it. He has three young boys (4,7, & 10) from a previous marriage, and I really didn't see being a step-mom in my future. Moving away isn't a very viable option for him. My question is, do I go for this guy who presents a few relationship kinks, but is more willing to work on building a solid relationship than anyone I have ever known. It kind of squashes my plans for my future, but would create our future in its place. Or do I just end it before it goes any further because I don't think I will be happy if I am trapped in this small town for another decade or more. Thank you so much for your advice. I'm not sure if I am just afraid to make a commitment or if the problems presented make it not worth it to me. - Julie

Advice: Dear Julie: I think if you read your own email you'll see that you have answered your own question. It sound like your inner guide is very strong and all you have to do is listen to it and honor your own feelings. I think you are doing the right thing by waiting until your daughter finishes high school and then pursuing your dream. Two years is a long time and there is no reason not to see this man. No matter what the reason, when both people are at different stages in their life, for example: one is going to school and the other has already graduated or one is building their career and the other isn't focused on that or one is ready for a committed relationship and the other isn't, there has to be respect for each other's goals and stages of life. If you are honest with him and tell him exactly what you are planning to do, it's his choice whether he wants to spend the next few years with you without a commitment on your part. The last thing your daughter or his kids need is another divorce. He is a package deal and his kids are part of the package. If you do not want to be a step-mom then don't try and convince yourself that you could, if you tried hard enough. When you walk down the aisle this time, it should be without one doubt in your mind that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You may move away only to find out that what you are looking for is in your own backyard. It's a journey that you will have to go on and I don't think you can speed up the process. You have to take this relationship one day at a time and if he wants more than you can give, then it is time that he moved on. Let that be his choice and not yours. Your obligation is to be as honest as you can. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com