Having a Ball in the World of Dating : Part 7

Cinderella Was a Liar
by Brenda Della Casa

(Page 7 of 8)

Tick, Tock - There Is No Clock (but Your Expectations
Are Making You a Walking Time Bomb!)

Remember when you were a little girl with a birthday around the corner? The only thing you could think about was the events that were to take place on that special day. The whole day was to celebrate you with cake, presents, and your favorite friends. There were no worries about "getting older"; in fact, you embraced your new age with excitement and anticipation. A new year, a new you! There was no competition between you and your age until that one birthday. You know, the one where you suddenly felt a tiny surge of anxiety and pulled out your mental checklist of all of the accomplishments you should have achieved by now.

The next year, you felt it a little bit more. Before you knew it, you were doing whatever you could to avoid your yearly reminder of all of your perceived failures - especially those in the romance department. After the dinner with friends, you would go home and think about how those friends were all married or engaged and how the bars were getting old. Before you knew it, you were on your third piece of birthday cake, depressed on what was once your special day.

Real-World Suggestion Chill out! Despite Cinderella's confession that she snagged her man by midnight, there's no such thing as a clock or specific time in which you should have a prince or have created an heir. The very idea of there being a blueprint for life and love is a fantasy as full of bull as the one we are uncovering in this book. There is no time, age, or point in your life when you should be with someone until that point when you have met the right someone. The only clock that ticks is the one on the self-defeating time bomb that your expectations have put in your head. Let's deconstruct it before it blows up all of your self-esteem and ruins any chance of your finding happiness - alone or alongside your worthy royal (who is out there, by the way!).

We Keep Wishing Instead of Making Changes on Our Own

There is a story in which we all have a starring role - the one of overanalysis and self-defeatist talk. What starts out as a day of fun for us and our girlfriends quickly turns into a frustrating therapy session. Each of us takes our turn moaning and analyzing the actions of various lads none of us are able to understand. We make excuses, offer harsh judgments, and rub one another's egos, which leads to nothing but more thinking and a whole new set of concerns to discuss in next week's conversations. Doing this is not abnormal because we all do it. However, just because we've made it a habit doesn't mean it's healthy one, and it certainly hasn't proved productive.

If you have found that your brunches have started to taste a bit bitter, then it is time to sweeten things up a bit. You can do this by making a commitment to ending the neurotic and slightly insane pattern that is ruining your chances at seeing and accepting your prince. How do you do this? Well, it's a bit of complex magic known as changing your outlook, taking off the dark shades of negativity (or the ones with the rose-colored hue), opening your eyes, and becoming present in the moment in which you are living. The only way to seize the moment is to live in it by letting go of your past heartaches and daydreams of perfection.

This may sound easy, but I beg you, do not let its implied simplicity fool you into believing you won't have to make an effort. Start by walking down a familiar street and, for once, pay attention to the walk by not getting lost in your thoughts. Take a moment to notice every building you pass and look up! I promise you, you will see things that eluded you all of those hundreds of times before. You'll notice the intricacies of each shop and the height of the buildings.

Next, take a look at the city from a balcony or rooftop. Notice the lights and shadows, and take in the romance of the moment. This is what I want you to take with you when you walk back into the dating world. Remember the shock you felt at the new beauty and size of something you thought you knew. We are oft en so caught up in our own minds that we have no idea what is actually in front of us. This is why you have yet to find your prince! You cannot recognize him, and even if you do, on a subconscious level you aren't accepting him as your prince because he doesn't fit into the image you have in your mind. Therefore, you say and do things that ruin your chances with him.

Real-World Suggestion Taking full responsibility for your perceptions and becoming aware of your own reality without adding in black potions or white wishes will have a major impact on your actions. Moreover, changing what you put out into the world will have an impact on the way the universe and people in the world respond to you! It may sound a bit loopy, but you'd be amazed at just how much power you have over the way you experience your life and how others perceive you. You choose how you will prioritize your life and how you will handle yourself while living it. Will you see your goblet as half full or half empty? Will you mope around town with a puss on your face or see each day as a new opportunity to start over? The best part of grabbing ahold of the reins of your life is that you control where and when you go - no magic required.

We Date like Maidens

The difference between lads and maidens is that lads enjoy dating more. They understand that not every date will go well and don't put so much pressure on the evening to make it something it isn't. On the other hand, we maidens place so much emphasis on the night that we can actually destroy it. Our desire for a good partner has turned into a race to get the slipper on, never once ensuring that it fits! Like the ugly stepsisters, we squeeze and cry, shoving our hopes and dreams into something too small for our needs. This is not only a major turnoff for men but also detrimental to our emotional and mental health! By our actions, we are stating that our needs and desires are less important than having a man, and then we get angry at that man for not living up to the ideal of a prince.

Ladies, a prince is only a prince to the woman who is right for him. Every maiden's prince is another maiden's toad. Think about it. Remember that guy you really liked who broke your heart into a million pieces because he would not take you to dinner or commit and then married his next girlfriend and treats her like a princess? You spent hours sobbing that it was something about you, when really it was just that you were not the right match for him, and he was willing to accept it before you were.

Real-World Suggestion Before you can see the opportunity that lies in the single world, you are going to have to clean out the cinders in your mind, sweep out the ashes, and take a good look at the space without all of the hang-ups and piles of fl awed thinking getting in the way. It is only then that you will be able to truly accept and embrace the blessing that is many nights with a variety of suitors with varying personalities, interests, hopes, dreams, and goals, which are all the better to choose from, my dear.

Helpful Tips for Having a Ball in the Dating World

EAT! Order something substantial, and enjoy it without telling him how worried you are about your growing bum.

Bring your sense of humor. You don't have to be a comedienne, but not taking yourself too seriously will make him take you more seriously.

Turn off the cell. There is nothing tackier than a maiden who interrupts her date to talk to someone else or "check who is calling." It leaves him with the impression that time with him is not as valuable as hearing from someone else.

Be impressive by not trying to impress. Don't throw your credentials at him.

Turn down the heat. Don't come on to him. Be flirtatious, but let him take the lead.

Remember your manners. Always thank him for a wonderful time, even if it wasn't.

Copyright © 2006 by Brenda Della Casa

About the Author

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting agent who has spent the last six years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. Last year she interviewed almost a 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar.