Having a Ball in the World of Dating : Part 6

Cinderella Was a Liar
by Brenda Della Casa

(Page 6 of 8)

We Try and Force It

While I'm sure Cinderella would love us all to believe that the prince was so intrigued with her that he went looking for her and married her as soon as he found her, this is nothing but our dear friend Cindy's wishful thinking. Sure she was his type, but the only reason she "fit his slipper" after the ball was because it was hers to begin with!

The truth is her prince was no prince at all. He was a confused little toad who hadn't a clue as to what he wanted other than a hot babe with a saucy dress and some shiny stilettos. This is clear because he went running after her (and married her) without knowing a damn thing about her! If only he would have taken the time to get to know about her anxiety disorder and she about his nasty little habit of not brushing his teeth for days at a time, maybe they wouldn't have had separate bedrooms. But that's another story. . . .

That slipper Cinderella tried on was her own, and it fit her foot. It was all about Cinderella's comfort with herself. Let me explain. Each suitor has traits that he is looking for in a mate. Some of it has to do with beauty and style, but a real prince also has a value system, ideals, passions, likes, and dislikes. He needs compatibility with his partner. This is what we call his "slipper" (which you read about in Chapter 3). If you are the maiden who can slip her saucy tootsies in there effortlessly, voilà! You've found your prince! He fits your needs, wants, and values, and you fit his.

Now, if each suitor has only one slipper on him at all times, then you don't have to be a math genius to understand that the odds of your fitting into the one carried by every lad on your dance card are low. This is why you shouldn't allow yourself to expect that every shoe will fit, or that you will want to wear it.

You might be attracted to a certain prince but find his sarcasm draining. You might like to lead while he expects you to follow. You may enjoy a blue blood's conversation but find the way he tortures your toes with his fl awed quickstep terribly disappointing.

Real-World Suggestion Accept that despite what she might have put out through the palace PR rep, it's safe to assume that Cinderella had been to more than one ball and danced with more than one suitor before meeting her prince (and she was probably as frustrated as you are; hence, she left her own slipper behind). The same will go for you. I know this will be hard to swallow, but sometimes it's OK to just have a good time. Besides, remember that wearing the wrong shoe for days and days will just leave you tired, hurt, and utterly wicked!

We Believe in Love at First Sight

Is there anything more romantic than love at first sight? The notion of a cosmic connection is so powerful that every deep emotion we could feel comes surging up our spines, culminating in a dream come true all within a couple of minutes. It's damn well enough to make any maiden's heart fl utter. Too bad there's no such thing, not even for our raven-haired heroine.

As I mentioned before, believing the story Cinderella told us would mean that her prince was actually a toad who cared only for her looks and her dress. Think about it: in any of the hundreds of versions of the tale, are there any mentions of a discussion between the two main characters? Does he know her favorite food or that she was allergic to shellfish? How about the fact that she hated polo, which was a passion of his? Of course not! There is simply no room for incompatibility in fairy tales. But beware: there is plenty of room for it here in the real world! In fact, there is so much room that it makes even the most handsome prince turn into an ugly old toad in the eyes of his once-adoring maiden.

Love at first sight suggests that love is based on looks. Unless you are Lady Superficial, you know that there's not much a maiden can count on when a lad bases his feelings on your hairdo, even if he's a loaded royal. The only things that pop up at "first sight" are chemistry, intrigue, and attraction. When you meet someone, everyone has got a clean slate. He has yet to show you the pile of dirty knickers under the bed or bore you to tears with his childish video game obsession, and you don't have foot fungus or an inability to pick your petticoats off of the floor. The only way to get to know someone is over time, and you have all of the time in the world, so take it.

Beware of any lad who acts as Cinderella's lad did. Any man who places that much effort into someone he doesn't know is not in love with you. He's got something else going on in his mind, and you shouldn't participate in his little dance. Cindy's story also suggests that you can learn all there is to know about someone in just a few minutes. Love is earned and built out of a connection, shared values and feelings, memories, and respect.

Real-World Suggestion Understand that sexual tension comes and goes, but love is earned. It grows, and it does not happen with a dance. Love is a culmination of a relationship, and a relationship takes more than a couple of weeks. If he is a prince - more specifically, if he is your prince - he'll want to get to know you properly, and everyone else will fade away. He'll ask you questions about yourself and will wait for you to open up to him on all levels at your own pace.

Copyright © 2006 by Brenda Della Casa

About the Author

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting agent who has spent the last six years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. Last year she interviewed almost a 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar.