Having a Ball in the World of Dating : Part 5

Cinderella Was a Liar
by Brenda Della Casa

(Page 5 of 8)

We Act as Though We Already Know Him

It's important to be yourself and be comfortable, but there is a difference between letting your guard down and letting it all hang out. So put your shoes back on, keep quiet about his ex, and get out of his refrigerator. Being comfortable on a date is a good thing, but acting as if you are old college buddies is another.

First, getting too personal and making comments about his life or likes can be taken as judgments and sarcasm. Teasing and offensive jokes can also backfire because you have no idea what his comfort level might be. Helping yourself to his personal belongings and checking out his medicine cabinet make you seem disrespectful and invasive (which, if you are doing this, you are). No one is saying not to have fun, but be cautious, and remember that you don't know this person.

Real-World Suggestion The best bet is to keep the conversation neutral and light and tell jokes you wouldn't be afraid to tell at a cocktail party with a friend's boss. Always wait until you've been invited to look through his photo album.

We Morph

Wait, where did your personality go? He likes tennis, you like tennis. He loves chardonnay; you toss your merlot and ask for a new goblet. The Morphing Maiden has an excellent ability to transform herself into whomever it is she thinks her date wants her to be. What she doesn't realize is that she is being deceitful and manipulative. She thinks she's being agreeable and, hey, she might find tennis a lot of fun someday!

A prince wants someone with whom he shares things in common, but watching a maiden turn into his clone is just creepy! In doing this, she might snag a prince, but it will be someone else's. The charade can last only so long, which means someone will wind up miserable. Either she'll feel suffocated, or she'll suffocate him trying to change him.

Real-World Suggestion If this is you, ask yourself why you are shoving your foot into a slipper that doesn't fit. Do you want blisters for the rest of your life? Don't you deserve the best possible match? Aren't your hobbies, likes, and desires important enough to share? Take some time to figure out who you are, and stay true to your uniqueness. It might be your differences that bring you together!

We Place Ourselves on Mute

You may be shy or you may just be a nervous wreck, but it really doesn't matter because he thinks you're about as exciting as a paleontology convention. With one-word answers and little nods, time together feels less like a date and more like an afternoon at the DMV. Let the agonizing and uncomfortable silences begin!

Real-World Suggestion If it's nerves that have paralyzed your tongue, take a minute to remind yourself that something about you made this chap want to get to know you better. You might as well show him your real personality because, so far, so good! If it is truly because you have nothing to say, well, maybe it's time to get a hobby. Fast!

We Don't Hold Ourselves Accountable

When a lad asks you out, it usually means that he has taken notice of your positive traits. However, like a beautiful linen tablecloth, you mustn't ruin its elegance and beauty by spilling your issues all over it. In doing so, you soil your chances of putting your fantastic traits on display, and don't you deserve to show them off? The best way to do this is to remain totally aware of yourself and your actions.

Many times, we maidens forget this crucial aspect of dating - we have total control over everything we say and do. No one can make us drink more than we should. No one can make us take the date to levels we aren't comfortable with. No one can force us to say things we don't want to say or to spill secrets that should be kept. This may all seem like common sense, but it's something we seem to forget at the most important moments.

More oft en than not, a prince's actions are simply reactions to something we are saying or doing. This means that we have far more control over a date and where it goes than we might realize. That's right, ladies, it's you that holds the power over the date. You are the ones setting the tone! Sure, he might take the lead in planning or conversation, but he's watching your reactions for clues as to who you really are and whether or not you are a good match for him. Do you engage him in conversation? Do you laugh at his jokes? Are you witty? What are your values and passions? Will you invite him in at the end of the evening or wait until you know him better? Will you get too tipsy and act like someone you're not, or will you carry yourself like the lady you are?

Real-World Suggestion Be yourself, but keep yourself under control. This is not your best friend, and he has no idea who you really are, which means his impressions will be cemented for the rest of the time he knows you. There are no second chances in dating.

Copyright © 2006 by Brenda Della Casa

About the Author

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting agent who has spent the last six years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. Last year she interviewed almost a 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar.