Having a Ball in the World of Dating : Part 3

Cinderella Was a Liar
by Brenda Della Casa

(Page 3 of 8)

We Think We Can Change a Toad into a Prince

How many times have you been sitting with your girlfriends, listening to one of them go on and on with the same old complaints about a guy she is seeing? How many times have you done it? We stick it out in unhappy situations with lads who are a dozen bad habits away from being our prince; yet somehow we are surprised every time they do something to tick us off.

If changing yourself takes a lot of effort, wait until you try to change the inner workings of another human being you have known just a few years, if that. Just like running in slippers made of glass, it sounds easy enough, until you try it.

Real-World Suggestion Fixer-uppers are simply not great investments in the dating economy. Save your energy, love, and sanity, and put them in something that offers better returns. Take a look at Chapter 10 if you're not sure your guy is holding you back.

We Want a Flawless Relationship

Whether it's our hair, lips, little black ball gown, or prince, we have set some high standards. We want perfection, and we want it to go, thank you. Unfortunately, it's never going to happen. Sure it would be nice to have an unblemished life, but it's hard enough to get the ideal martini in the real world, and you're attempting to achieve perfection in a partnership and life? Seriously, woman, get a grip!

By now, you should be starting to understand that human beings don't come in flawless (otherwise I'd take mine well toned with extra empathy, loads of romance, and a flat in Soho on the side). Besides, when you think about it, perfection, like beauty, is arbitrary anyway.

The tale spun by Cinderella was done as a way of hiding her manipulation and the severe romantic issues she and her hubby had inside of the castle. I mean, think about it. This chick groaned and complained about her family, asked for favors from a fairy godmother, and hung out with cold-blooded people. Clearly, her story was about keeping face.

After causing such a commotion, would you admit that your so-called prince refused to pick up his socks, forgot your anniversary, and once pawned your tiara to pay off his polo wager? I think not. And so our dear Cindy opted to lie again. As far as anyone would know, her prince was perfect, handsome, and kind. He took out the trash and told her how gorgeous she was every morning. Her prince was totally made up, which means you've got to stop holding yours up to standards based on BS.

Now, you might know on an intellectual level that the perfect man does not exist, but have you really accepted that it is not feasible for a man to be all things at all times? Think about the things you want and ask yourself, "Would it be fair for him to ask me to live up to my own standards?"

The reality is that most maidens are so brainwashed by Cinderella's lie and the idea they should be living in a world of romance and ecstasy twenty-four-seven that they never give real suitors a chance. This is the reason they are sitting on their couches complaining while the lads in the world are moving about, enjoying life. With your heart in a fantasy and your being in reality, you are caught in an emotional tug-of-war that is destined to leave you exhausted and confused, which reeks havoc on the complexion, by the way.

Real-World Suggestion It's time to grab another piece of paper. Jot down all of the things you expect out of a partner. Are you looking for a funny, gorgeous, successful man or one who makes you giggle so hard you pee a little? Does he need to be romantic and tender, empathetic and kind seven days a week? Good luck, sister! Again, reality has limitations and flawlessness exceeds them. So, what's a gal to do? Why not give perfection a more realistic meaning. Here in the real world, perfection is based on the specific desires of each individual. This means that perfection is relative. What is perfect in your eyes might be less so in the eyes of another. This means that the cookie-cutter ideals that are limiting you should be tossed.

We Don't Understand That Fate Is Fatal to Dating

While they might be supremely romantic in saucy novels and romantic comedies, when you really evaluate their meaning, fate and destiny are nothing but two very sharp ends on a double-edged sword. The notion that life is preplanned and some maidens are destined to meet someone while others are destined to be alone is a wicked conclusion.

Look, gals. As much as a dry spell might make you believe you are "destined" to be alone, no maiden is born with a spell on her (despite what many sidewalk astrologers would like you to believe). We are all born with a clean slate. We may not have been born into the best family or situation, but once we are adults, we have the power and access to change our lives significantly. We can seek therapy, we can choose with whom to spend our time, and we set our own limits and boundaries in life. We are the ones who create our own successes, achievements, and connections by taking a proactive role in our own life. Don't accept the unacceptable; change the changeable.

In many ways, fate is a cop-out. It allows us to sit on the sidelines and blame something bigger for our sadness, and when we do meet someone, we give credit to something other than ourselves. What about accepting the fact that your accomplishments and connections with people are because you have worked hard in life to be the best person you can be? You have taken the initiative to go out and meet people, and you have put yourself at the forefront of your life. While the idea of the universe bringing two people together can make us all sigh, it's an emotionally expensive theory to buy into. You will not bump into your prince sitting on your caboose waiting for destiny to bring him to your door. Remember, your life's carriage needs a driver, and you're the one who knows how to maneuver those horses. So take the reins because otherwise your romantic life is just going to sit there while dozens of other carriages pass you by.

Real-World Suggestion Toss the blueprint. Free will suggests that you have chances every day to shape your existence, so nurture your relationships with others and the one you have with yourself. Stop with the reactive number and do something out of the ordinary. Life is full of opportunities to meet new people and experience new things, and it's up to you to take them. No one is going to messenger happiness and love to your door. Sorry.

Copyright © 2006 by Brenda Della Casa

About the Author

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting agent who has spent the last six years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. Last year she interviewed almost a 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar.