On Marriage : Part 2

Golden Steps to Respectability, Usefulness and Happiness
by John Mather Austin

(Page 7 of 13)

The selection of a companion for life is a transaction altogether more serious than the young appear generally to view it. They too often forget, that from all the world, they are choosing one to walk with them in closest intimacy, during all their days; and that it depends on the wisdom of their choice, whether the journey of life shall be peaceful and pleasant, or sad and wretched. It has passed into a species of proverb, that the selection of a wife or a husband, is like purchasing a ticket in a lottery - no one knows whether a prize or a blank will be drawn. There is too much truth in this saying, as selections of husbands and wives are often made.

When the young are governed in such things, by fancy rather than judgment - when they are carried away captives by some outward, worthless attraction, rather than by solid and useful qualities - their success will, indeed, depend on blind chance. But there is no necessity for so great a hazard. A young man, or a young woman, may positively know beforehand, whether they will draw a prize or a blank. In fact, they may select the prizes without any mistake, and let the blanks go for what they are worth. Let them exercise but an ordinary degree of judgment, sound discrimination and good sense, and there will be no danger of drawing a blank.

When a young man has attained to a suitable age, and is engaged in some honest and useful occupation, whereby he is in possession of means to maintain a family, it then becomes not only a privilege, but a duty, to select a wife, to be the sharer of his joys and his sorrows. In making this choice, he should act calmly, deliberately, and thoughtfully. He should bear in mind that he is selecting, not for a day, or a year, but for all life. The object of his affections should be one, who will live pleasantly with him, and make him happy, not for a few months only, but during long years to come, when the romance of marriage shall have been succeeded by the cares and struggles of maturer life. She should be one of whom he can say, in the words of the poet: -

"Oft as clouds my path o'erspread,
Doubtful where my steps should tread,
She, with judgment's steady ray,
Marks and smooths the better way."

There is no greater folly than to select a wife for mere personal beauty alone. Beauty will always have its attractions; and when connected with an amiable disposition and useful qualifications, its influence, cannot be objected to. But when unaccompanied with these characteristics, its power is to be resisted, and the heart steeled against all its fascinations. The young man who permits himself to fall so desperately in love with a lady, on account of mere personal beauty, as to marry her, despite the counsel of his friends, and when he himself sees, or might see, a sad want of other and more valuable qualifications, commits an error, the wretched effects of which will be experienced through life. When this outward beauty loses its charm and passes away, as it will in a brief space of time, what has he left? A cross-grained, ill-natured, fault-finding, petulant, selfish wife, who will prove a "thorn in his side," during all his days, rather than a loving and valuable companion.

Good looks are always attractive. But there is something still more desirable in a wife, viz., a sweet disposition and an even temper, a gentle, affectionate heart, and a well-cultivated and enlightened mind. Let young men, by all means, seek for such qualifications in those whom they would choose for their companions. In these characteristics there is a beauty and loveliness which will not fade away with the consummation of marriage; but they will grow brighter and more attractive from year to year, during all life.

Moreover, I would caution young men against allowing their hearts to be taken captive under circumstances where they are especially exposed to deception. A young woman may exhibit a fine appearance in a ball-room - may be very attractive at a party, and cut a fashionable and dashing figure in the public streets, and still make a poor, good-for-nothing wife. These are the last places in which choice should be made of a companion, to render aid and comfort amid the struggles of life. Whenever your attention is attracted by a young lady, study her in the family circle - learn her domestic qualifications. Is she a respectful, dutiful, loving daughter? Is she a kind and affectionate sister? Does she manifest a noble, generous, friendly spirit? Does she exhibit delicacy, refinement, and purity in her tastes and manners? Is she industrious, economical, and frugal in her habits? Will she be likely to assist you in husbanding your income, and taking care of your earnings? Is she thoroughly versed in all domestic affairs, so that she herself could do all things connected with household matters, should necessity require it?

These, I acknowledge, are very ordinary, very homely inquiries; but nevertheless they are of the highest importance. A young man who will marry, without having thoroughly made all such investigations, and becoming satisfied that his intended is not deficient, to any great extent, in these qualifications, is blind to his own highest good, and will in long after-years, amid domestic inquietude, and family troubles, indulge unavailing regrets at his blindness and folly. But whenever a young woman can be found, possessing these invaluable characteristics, I would advise the youth seeking for a companion, to win her for a wife if possible. Although she may be plain in person, and poor in property, yet she will be of more worth than rubies; and all riches cannot be compared with her. She will be a faithful friend and wise counsellor, and will smooth the rugged pathway of life. However the world and its affairs may go without, he who has such a wife, will ever have a home, where neatness and comfort, peace and love, and all that can yield contentment and enjoyment, will smile upon him!

Derby, Miller, and Company, 1851