Two Extremes

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making
by Timothy S. Lane, M. Div., D. Min., Paul D. Tripp

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While most of us don't tend to live at either of these extremes, we do move in the direction of isolation or immersion in all our relationships:

"I want to be safe" (Isolation) -------- "I need you in order to live" (Immersion)

Where we are on the continuum varies with each relationship, but for most of us, our problems tend to cluster on one end of the continuum or the other. In most cases, whatever problems we have in relationships tend to fit one of three relational profiles.

The Frustrated Relationship

Here, one person moves toward isolation while the other moves toward immersion. One dreams of being safe; the other dreams of being close and intimate. Imagine how differently these two would prepare for a vacation. The person seeking isolation is packing a stack of books while the person seeking immersion is filling the schedule with activities to do together! How does it feel to live in this type of relationship? The isolationist feels smothered; the immersionist feels rejected. Since both of them regularly have their expectations frustrated, the relationship is perpetually disappointing. Each person thinks his perspective and expectations are fair and reasonable, so the shared disappointment eventually leads to anger.

The Enmeshed Relationship

Here both people move toward immersion. They ride the roller coaster of each other's emotions. Because they are so dependent on each other, they can be easily hurt when the other does not meet their needs. Because their expectations for the relationship are so high, they tend to live in isolation from other people. If these two were to take a vacation, they would spend every waking moment together. While you might think that similar expectations would lead to peace and harmony, it actually produces more problems, at least in this kind of relationship. Because each is looking to the other to satisfy very high relational expectations, they both become highly sensitive, easily hurt, and critical. Much of the energy in the relationship is spent dealing with minor offenses, real or perceived. Each feels hurt because his or her expectations of the other person are never completely fulfilled. They feel discouraged too because, no matter how hard they try, they never seem to measure up to the other's expectations. This kind of relationship is exhausting because the work required makes peace impossible.

The Isolated Relationship

Here, both people move toward isolation. Each person is very aware of the dangers of relationships and constantly opts for safety. Conversations are limited, safe, and impersonal. They tend to stay away from self-disclosure. The ideal vacation for these two would involve lots of time alone with minimal interaction. Each would read a different book, immersed in his or her own private world. This kind of relationship is complicated because the desire for safety and independence collides with the longing for relationship. Because they are communal beings made in God's image, both people long for some form of connection, no matter how small it may be. And although they both want safety, their desire for it separates them, making the relationship empty and disappointing.

In each scenario there is a relational impasse. In the frustrated relationship, the movement is away from the other. In the enmeshed relationship, the move towards the other is so extreme that it is impossible to satisfy expectations. In the isolated relationship, the movement towards safety precludes real relationship.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these profiles? Though all relationships are unique, you probably see qualities that characterize your relationships to some degree. (You can probably also think of relationships between other people that fit one or more of these descriptions.) The interesting point about each profile is that each is an unbalanced relationship because each person tends to make too much or too little of the relationship. Isolationists conclude that relationships are too difficult; they are not necessary and the effort is not worth it. ("I don't need relationships to be me.") On the other hand, immersionists are convinced that relationships are everything. ("Without relationships, I am nobody.") These conclusions are rooted in people's hearts and expectations. When things go wrong in relationships, the problem often starts there. So while relationships are not inherently dangerous, the expectations we bring to them can be. This is why it is important to ask questions about what God intended for this area of our lives. We need to ask, "What purpose does God intend relationships to serve in my life? As a person created in his image, what should my relationships look like?"

© 2007 by Timothy S. Lane, Paul D. Tripp. Excerpt used with permission of New Growth Press, Greensboro, NC.

About the Author

Dr. Lane is a counselor and a faculty member at CCEF and lecturer in Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary. He is the co-author of Relationships: A Mess Worth Making and How People Change. He and his wife, Barbara, have two daughters and two sons.