The Hazards of Masculinity

Why Men Fall Out of Love: What Every Woman Needs to Understand
by Michael French

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Masculinity was described to me by one man as a drive down a dark and endless highway, without road signs, rest stops, or any warning when serious danger is approaching and it's time to turn around. Once you were on the highway, he thought, there was nothing you could do about it. That was your fate. You just kept driving until the car died, you were buried in a rock slide, or you were so lost there was no hope of reaching your destination, assuming you knew what that destination was in the first place. Men love fatalism - it's one of their romantic streaks - perhaps because it relieves them of responsibility for making crucial choices, which they will be blamed for if things go wrong. Masculinity is both a problem and a solution for men. A problem because no one is quite sure how to define the term - something about ambition, leadership, and responsibility - and a solution because, despite a lack of clarity, it is a familiar and acceptable concept, a refuge, a place to hide. In The Tender Bar, the author learns from his hard-drinking mentors that every man has a mountain and a cave in his life - the mountain he is supposed to climb, and a cave, such as the bar, to hide in when he betrays, or has been betrayed by, his ambition.

The blueprint of masculinity, according to many psychologists, is embedded more deeply in our culture and in their DNA than men want to acknowledge. One problem for men is that not only do they have difficulty defining the "M" word, so do women. One young woman told me that masculinity meant having rugged good looks, acting like a gentleman, exhibiting confidence and independence, being competitive and successful, possessing the skills of a great lover, having courage, and being emotionally strong. When I suggested that no man I knew could deliver that Prince Charming package, she said that didn't stop her from looking for her knight in shining armor. Somehow she expected more from men than she did of her own gender. But men may be even harder on themselves. Those I interviewed recited the following components of masculinity: having a beautiful woman who loves them; being athletic; being the breadwinner, problem solver, stoical leader, and fearless warrior; making (and keeping) lots of money; having power and authority, confidence, and a sense of humor; being rational and not overly emotional; being practical and expedient; independent, and selfsustaining; being competitive and successful and achieving on every level; being a sexual stud as well as an empathetic lover, a responsible and loving father, and a family's provider and protector. Most of these are noble or idealized roles, and while no one claimed to have all these qualities, quite a few men said they thought they were supposed to have as many as possible. This is what they believed their culture, and women, expected of them. To be as close to perfect as possible was the masculine ideal, or at least not reveal your weaknesses and deficiencies. That men fall short of this goal, often dramatically - and how they feel about their failures - is just one of the secrets they don't like to talk about.

Admitting that the various definitions of masculinity are often in conflict with one another is one way to start breaking through the silence of the male code. One man told me it was drummed into him as a boy that, when he grew up, he had to succeed in his profession. There was no other option, his father said, if he wanted to respect himself and win the respect of others. An attorney now, putting in sixty- to seventy-hour weeks, he's had difficulty finding time to be a responsible husband and father - another definition of masculinity. When finally confronted by his partner, who demanded more of his affection and attention or else, he reluctantly agreed to a divorce rather than give up his career path or even cut down on his hours. While some women might also choose their careers over meeting family needs, I would guess the percentage pales in comparison to men. Several women told me they thought that most men define themselves by their work, but the majority of women - no matter how many hours they put in at their job - define themselves by what they do outside of work.

Just as lemmings charge blindly into the sea, men follow their primal definitions of masculinity with often unconscious devotion. It's the dark side of the herd instinct: they're too afraid not to follow. If a man has thought about it, however, he will tell you that wanting to be "a man" leads him down the slippery path of repressed emotions, deceit, frustration, and making difficult if not impossible choices. It can also lead to a fear and distrust of women. Some men I spoke with thought that it was easier being miserable on one level or another than to figure out a face-saving exit from their relationships without blowing their masculine cover. They had put themselves in a box, voluntarily, and closed the lid as if to prevent escape - but why? If it's all right for women to be afraid or anxious, or to talk about their failures, or seek help from one another, and leave a relationship if necessary, why shouldn't men do the same with equal confidence and openness? What is it about masculinity that forces men into a posture of stoic denial, or the pretense that no matter what the problem is, they can always tough it out or fix it? Why don't men allow themselves to learn from women?

As Goldberg, Real, and Pittman all point out in their books, most men, until they reach a crisis - such as losing their jobs or marriages, becoming seriously ill, or being humiliated by scandal - will never seek outside help or even hint something is seriously amiss. If a critical mass of desperation is reached, however, the real problem begins. For some, experiencing a serious failure is a crisis because it means they've flunked some test of masculinity. Worse, they may be exposed to the world and don't know how to deal with gossip and slander. All they feel is pain and confusion. Because too many men have never fully developed or understood their emotions, too often they have no resources to draw on, no safety net, no knowledge of how to heal themselves. Women often turn to each other in a crisis while men stand alone because it is the "manly" or heroic thing to do. But behind their stoicism they feel backed into a corner. Cynicism, running away, shutting down emotionally, rage, depression, paranoia, drugs, alcohol, or even suicide become tempting escapes.

That women have at their disposal a deeper level of self- intimacy - something to fall back on when a relationship crashes or tragedy enters their lives - may be one reason their rates of suicide are significantly lower than men's. Statistically, a far higher number of women than men attempt suicide, but their efforts are nowhere near as successful. This might mean that women know how to "send a message" while still surviving. When men try to kill themselves, it's almost always by violent means and almost always successful. That violence and a sense of failed masculinity are inextricably linked should not be a surprise. When you fail as a man, and you don't know how to heal or forgive yourself, or ask for help, some act of self- destruction may be inevitable. One man told me why he thought his father had committed sucide: he was so filled with rage - not just at himself, but at his deceased stepfather, who had emotionally and physically abused him - that his suicide was revenge against a ghost.

Copyright © 2007 by Michael French