Part 3

The Black Woman's Guide to Black Men's Health
by Andrea King Collier, Willarda V. Edwards, M.D.

(Page 3 of 3)

The best approach seems to be offering to help. If he says he's too busy to make an appointment to see his doctor, then offer to make the appointment for him. If he has trouble keeping up with his schedule, then take a little time to put his appointments on a calendar for him, or post everybody's health care schedule on the refrigerator. And if it takes knowing the calendar as well as or better than he does, to get him there on time, then do it. In doing the writing and research for the book, we talked to countless women who love and care for busy men. These are women who don't take no for an answer. Some have gone as far as clearing their husband's schedule to make room for important screening and diagnostic tests, follow-up visits, and even surgery, if it is necessary.

Often it is not totally about the schedule. But the schedule can be yet another excuse for not moving forward. By offering to help him carve out time to take care of dental appointments, time at the gym, visits to the eye doctor, or even much needed downtime to reduce his stress, you can really make it happen. Helping him make changes does not need to be a big pronouncement. Ladies, we all know that some of the best successes happen with the subtle, quiet gestures. If you want to help a man make lifestyle changes that are sustainable over time, maybe it is better to creatively start adding vegetables and fruits to the menu at home. There is no need to say, "Today I'm throwing out all snacks, or I'm never frying chicken again," unless you want to have a real fight on your hands. Instead, if you are the person who cooks the meals and does the grocery shopping, just plan accordingly. Send him off to work or to school with fruit and bottled water. Be creative in how you prepare food. If it tastes good, and is flavorful as well as nutritious, you will probably get a lot less resistance than if it tastes like a blend of rubber, paper, and grout.

Slow and steady is the best approach when dealing with most health issues, especially when you are talking prevention. The worst thing you can do is read this book and get all motivated to do it all - Today! The habits we are talking about changing in our black men's lives were developed over a lifetime. When it comes to lifestyle issues, they may have been developed and practiced over many generations. If nobody in his family ever went to the doctor for any reason, you have to provide education and information gradually, in order to get him to see the value in having an ongoing relationship with a doctor. Instead of taking on everything, pick one thing to target, then chip away at it, a little at a time. It could be persuading him to get a complete physical so that he can have a better idea of his overall health status and things he needs to work on. It might be helping him address what you suspect to be a bout of depression. He may have put on a few pounds that are affecting his health. If he starts to feel that you are trying to "fix him" and all that is wrong with him, we can almost assure that you won't "fix" anything.What you probably will do is put a strain on your relationship.

The goal here is not to take over his health, but to help him to take control of it. Work on getting him to sit down with you to decide what he wants to deal with first. Maybe his sleep apnea is bothering him and keeping him from getting a solid eight hours of sleep.Or he may be suffering from a nagging toothache. If it is something that he has decided that he is ready to consider tackling, you will have more success in helping him.We want you both to think of this as a health partnership.

Putting Health Front and Center

• Work health into the conversation naturally as opportunities present themselves.
• Cut out and print out articles on important aspects of his health and leave them out, or pop them in the mail to men you care about.
• Go to the church or community health fairs together.
• Be positive. Too much doom and gloom will turn anybody off.
• Think about how you would want to be approached if someone wanted you to change a habit (even if it is for your own good).
• Pray on it. There will be times when it seems like you are not getting through to the men in your life. Then suddenly, you'll see that something you said, or something you suggested, got through.
• Praise his progress and support him through his setbacks. There is no place for "I told you so" in trying to help a man get healthier.
• Be an example to your children. Show them that health is a priority in your home and in your world.

Be prepared to make a few health changes yourself. As tempting as it may be, you can't start making demands of another person if you are not trying to take care of yourself and improve your own health. If you want him to try to stop smoking, you have to try to stop, too. You can't get him a membership to the gym and expect him to go if you flop down on the couch after a busy day and do nothing physical yourself. And if you are reaching for the ice cream every night, then it's hard to stop him from sneaking in late night snacks. Want him to get a prostate screening? Make sure you are getting the screenings that you need, such as a Pap smear and a mammogram, cholesterol screening, and blood glucose test. When you schedule his colonoscopy to detect any precancerous polyps or colorectal cancer, you should be scheduling yours, too. Sometimes you have to jump in first. If you take the lead in your own health and see results, then the changes you make may inspire him. If you start eating oatmeal and your bad cholesterol levels drop, then he might give it a try to lower his, too. If you buckle your seat belt before the car moves at all, then eventually he will. As role models for your children, you will both be showing them how to lead a healthy lifestyle.

Make health a part of your regular family conversations at the dinner table. Weight may be a common conversation topic among families, but the role that it has in our health isn't. Many families have seen the pain that unmanaged diabetes has caused for a loved one, but few families are talking about what is their game plan to prevent diabetes. We tell our children that smoking, drinking, and drug abuse are bad things, but you would be surprised how many mothers never get around to explaining why they're bad, from a health perspective.

Women have a lot of power. We shouldn't be afraid to use it to protect and nurture the people we love. Having these conversations is never easy. And then when it's too easy, you never know if you've gotten through. When you actively take on his health, there will be times when you will be so frustrated. But you also need to put yourself in his place. Positive change is hard and is hard won. But it has to start with us if it is going to happen. When the going gets tough, keep on going. In the end, neither you nor he will be sorry.

© 2006 by Andrea King Collier and Willarda V. Edwards, M.D.

About the Author

I knew I wanted to be a writer when I was a very little girl in Gary, Indiana.I have followed the advice that recommends writing about what you know. But I also dig deep into things that I want to know. Much of my work which now spans over 30 years, and includes articles in O the Oprah Magazine, Woman's Day, Essence, AARP Magazine, More and others, starts with a question. What if? How come? When?