Have you ever traveled in a foreign country? There are two types of travelers: the colonizer and the immigrant. The colonizer wants to visit another country but sees it from his own perspective instead of experiencing it from the inhabitants' point of view. As he enters the country, he looks for signs in his own language and seeks out people who speak his own tongue. He endeavors to find the familiar and fails to venture into uncharted territory. He doesn't branch out and learn any words in this foreign language.

In fact, this traveler becomes irritated when he can't read signs for the bathroom or understand the menu. Instead of asking for help or learning a few helpful phrases, he becomes upset. He's dependent on others from his country who can interpret for him and guide him around. When he talks to local residents, he approaches them in his own language. They either respond with puzzlement or say a few words they've learned and point him in some direction.

Our traveler ends up creating an unpleasant experience for himself and can't wait to get back to familiar territory. He returns home with the attitude that people in that country aren't very friendly. They weren't interested or helpful. If they had been, they would have provided messages in his language and learned his language in order to help tourism.

Quite often colonizing nations do this. They transport their own language, customs, and monetary system to another country and force the people there to become like them. The immigrant traveler is different. He's somewhat of an adventurer. He prepares for his trip in advance by orienting himself to this foreign culture. He reads books about the culture, customs, and history of the country and attempts to learn everyday phrases of this new language. In order to converse with the native population, he may even take a class in their language before he leaves. When he arrives at his destination, he's eager to discover all he can. He looks for historical sites, tries all the new foods, reads as much as he can in the language of the country, and uses his newly formed verbal skills where possible. He may even enjoy living with a family of that country for a while in order to fully capture the flavor of this new world.

As the immigrant attempts to speak this new language, the people respond in a helpful manner. They help him pronounce strange words. Often, if they're adept in the traveler's language, they'll begin to speak it in order to make him feel more comfortable. They seem delighted that this person has made an attempt to learn their language, and both of them can laugh at some of his mispronunciations. When the immigrant returns home, he's bursting with enthusiasm and stories of his experiences. He says the people were so friendly, so open, and so interesting. They were delightful.

But wait a minute! Both the colonizer and the immigrant went to the same country. They encountered the same people. Why the difference in response? Simple. The immigrant was willing to learn about the culture of the people and to speak their language. As he attempted to speak the way they did, the people responded positively to his attempts and tried to make it easier for him by speaking his language in return.

I'm reminded of a cross-cultural snapshot one of my friends described to me. On a brief trip to Haiti, he found himself alone in a room with a young Haitian man who seemed wide-eyed with excitement about meeting an American. The Haitian obviously longed to open a conversation. His hands opened and closed. His eyes burned with a desire to weave his thoughts into understandable words. He seemed to have a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue. But my friend didn't speak a word of Creole and the Haitian didn't speak English. So eventually, after a few smiles, nods, vague gestures, and self-conscious shrugs, the two men strolled awkwardly to different corners of the room, and they parted almost certainly for the rest of their lives.

That little experience paints a powerful analogy in my mind. You and I know men and women who live together ten, twenty, fifty years or more but never learn to speak one another's language. They sit in rooms together, ride in cars together, eat meals together, take vacations together, and sleep together when the sun goes down. But for year after empty year, they never learn how to get beyond vague gestures and a few surface phrases.

Yes, it's true that many couples speak a language that's different in structure, style, and meaning, which can result in "crossed wires" or mixed messages.

Don't worry, though. This isn't a fatal condition. It is just a matter of "rewiring" or learning about your spouse's language style. This can make the difference between marital health and marital anguish. Seldom do husband and wife have the same language, but they can learn a new one. Remember, you can't rely on your native tongue if your spouse doesn't speak the same language.

So, if you really want to communicate, don't put the responsibility on the other person to understand you. Reach out and attempt to understand the other person first, and that will free him up to respond to you.

How can you do this? In this book I'll provide you with the principles for effective communication. They're simple. And they work. If the way you're communicating isn't working, what have you got to lose by trying a new method? If you feel your communication is working, let's make it even more effective.

One last question: what are you-a colonizer or an immigrant? "Speak my language and I'll respond to you."

Energy Builders

1. Describe a situation in which you experienced difficulty communicating. What happened? What could have been done differently?

2. If you have ever traveled to a foreign country, reflect on your communication experiences. What could have made them better?

3. What will you do this week with the information in this chapter? Describe how your communication will be different.

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Copyright © 2006 by H. Norman Wright

Tags: Relationship Communication

About the Author

H. Norman Wright is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and a certified trauma specialist. In private counseling practice for over 30 years, Dr. Wright has also authored more than 70 books. More