Do You Speak the Same Language? : Part 2

How to Speak Your Spouse's Language: Ten Easy Steps to Great Communication from One of America's Foremost Counselors
by H. Norman Wright

(Page 2 of 3)

This is Fred's story:

Someone asked me what attracted me to Sheri. Excitement! My life was fairly routine. She brought a lot of fun into my life. But after we married, it seemed to get old in a hurry. She seemed scattered and going in several directions at once. She was always looking for some new possibility.

When we plan a vacation, it really doesn't start for me until we get there. But for Sheri, it seems to start as soon as we mention it. She loves the unknown. And when she describes what we did and where we went, her perceptions are so different from mine that I wonder if we were on the same vacation. The word exactness isn't in her vocabulary. I ask her for something and I hear, "It's over there somewhere." It's as if she's talking a different language.

When I ask a simple question, all I want is a simple, clear, concise answer, not a hundred possibilities. She takes longer and puts things in a different order. That drives me up a wall.

She says I nitpick, but I think she takes an incident and blows it way out of proportion. It's amazed me for years how she and the women friends who are just like her can carry on a conversation. They start a sentence and never finish it but jump to another one and don't finish that before jumping to the next and the next. And yet, they seem to understand each other. I've tried. I mean I've tried, but it's beyond me. I learned to say, "Sheri, I want to hear what you have to say, and it helps me if you could condense it and finish a sentence before going on. I'll stick with you better." At least that worked.

I've learned that Sheri's mind and body might be two different places. We could be watching a movie together and I'm really into it, but I'll ask her a question and she's thinking about something else.

We have different definitions for words such as "No," "Later," "Sometimes," and "I'll get it done."

Language Barriers in Business-and the Living Room

The problem isn't limited to married couples. Let's listen in on two people discussing a business deal.

George: I don't understand it. I worked and worked on the proposal for weeks. I did my homework, covered every angle, and made what I thought was a great presentation.

Frank: Well, what happened then? Why did they go for the competitor's proposal?

George: I can't figure it out. It's got me stumped. Especially since I have a copy of the other company's bid. It's no different from ours. In fact, we came in a bit lower in cost. I don't understand it.

Frank: There's got to be a reason. How did your presentation go?

George: I felt it went well. It didn't take long. They didn't ask many questions. I made it very clear, and they seemed polite and interested. I thought I had it sewed up. I was so sure I had it, I waited around until after our competitor's presentation. I thought they would want to sign then.

Frank: Why? What made you think they were ready?

George: The other presentation was three times as long. It was complicated and confusing. I don't know why they spent so much time in there. I was sure we were on the same wavelength, and they would go with us.

But George was not on the same wavelength with his audience when he made the presentation. Oh, what he presented was good, but he failed to connect with his listeners. Why? Because he wasn't speaking their language! They were much more comfortable with the other person's presentation, and a rapport was established. That's why they signed.

A husband and wife sit in their softly lit family room, listening to the sounds of an orchestra coming from the stereo. The room is comfortable and a few pleasant smells from dinner linger in the air. They sit across from each other, looking at the plans for remodeling one section of their home.

Bob: If you'll look over the new design and room arrangement, you can't help but see that I've focused on the suggestions that you mentioned the last time we looked these over. I just can't see what's bothering you about these changes now.

Jean: I don't know. I just keep getting the feeling that something in this room is missing. I can't define it. We need to get a better handle on something.

Bob: I think you're just stuck in your own point of view. You remember something from your home when you were a kid, and you'd like to see it here. Look at it from a different perspective. Then you'll see how this arrangement will be so much better than what you're talking about.

Jean: No. I don't think you have the proper feel for what this room can express. You need to get in touch with this arrangement from my point of view. Don't you understand what I'm telling you?

What do you think? Will they understand each other? Or are they speaking two different languages? Think about it. Read it again. Do you catch the difference in their words? (Chapter 8 will explain this.)

Two college students are talking over dinner. One says, "You know, I really feel comfortable talking with the new college dean. What a difference between him and the old one. This guy understands me. I can just tell it. We really seem to speak the same language."

His friend replies, "Yeah, I know what you're saying. He shows an interest and lets you know that he's really tuning into you. He does seem to speak our language."

There it is!

There what is? One of the greatest secrets of effective communication and conversation. Follow this principle, and you'll be amazed at the results: Speak the same language as the other person!

What does that mean? Am I saying you should find people who talk in the same manner you do-that these are the only ones you can really communicate with? No, I don't mean that at all. That would limit you to a select few. Instead I'd like to show you how to be flexible and learn the language of those with whom you come in contact. That allows you to effectively communicate with almost everyone.

Copyright © 2006 by H. Norman Wright

About the Author

H. Norman Wright is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and a certified trauma specialist. In private counseling practice for over 30 years, Dr. Wright has also authored more than 70 books.