Do You Speak the Same Language?

How to Speak Your Spouse's Language: Ten Easy Steps to Great Communication from One of America's Foremost Counselors
by H. Norman Wright

Till Words Do Us Part?

Picture a couple at a restaurant. They have been married one month. Their every expression says they're in love: they hang on one another's words, touching hands while they speak, smiling and laughing and looking blissful. This couple communicates "happily ever after."

Or do they?

Picture that same couple at the same restaurant one decade later. Their every expression says they're weary of their relationship: he hardly speaks, she talks long and loud, and they roll their eyes at one another.

Marriage expert and popular author Dr. H. Norman Wright reveals why loving couples so often disintegrate into puzzled strangers. Despite all the similarities that brought them together, both bride and groom are actually foreigners. They were raised with different customs, different understandings of the same words, and different ways of communicating their feelings to others. And the only way to make a smooth merge is for each to learn the other's language.

Couples marry believing they're compatible, but they really aren't at first, says Dr. Wright. Compatibility grows over time as spouses discover their partners' speaking styles, learn how to match them, and finally create free-flowing communication and a deep connection.

In this hope-filled and highly practical book, Dr. Wright shares ten essential steps to unlocking communication between couples, whether they've been married one year or fifty. Samples of dialogue and illustrations of gender, learning, and personality differences, as well as short exercises couples can practice, make the book-and real communication-accessible to anyone.

Dr. Wright emphasizes that the differences in men's and women's communication styles are innate, and neither is right or wrong. But to enjoy satisfying communication, husbands and wives must immerse themselves in each other's foreign territory and learn the lay of the land-especially the language.

Punctuated by humor and poignant real-life stories, How to Speak Your Spouse's Language is the translation guide every couple needs for a healthy and happy marriage.

Chapter 1

Step #1: Be An Immigrant - Dive Into Foreign Soil!

It was hard not to notice the young couple sitting at the restaurant table. They were looking at each other with rapt attention and it was obvious a strong chemistry was brewing. The noise from other tables didn't distract them. They talked together as though they were the only couple there.

As he spoke, her facial expression showed that she devoured every word. When she responded, he nodded in agreement, raised his eyebrows on occasion, and looked intently into her face as she shared with him. The depth of their personal attention to each other indicated a couple very much in love.

A man at a nearby table observed them. As they finished their dinner conversation and got up to leave, he stopped them. "Pardon me," he said. "Could I ask you a question?"

They stopped and smiled. "Of course. What is it?" "I couldn't help but notice the two of you talking together," the man replied. "You both seemed to be hanging on each other's every word. Do you feel you can communicate so you really know what the other person means? Are you really able to grasp what your partner feels and believes? Do you-"

The couple interrupted him with laughter. "Of course we do," the woman said. "There's absolutely no problem in the way we communicate. We're on the same wavelength. That's one of the reasons we're so attracted to each other. Communication is no problem for us!"

Two weeks later the couple walked down the aisle of their church and committed themselves to each other for life, and they communicated happily ever after. Or did they?

Five years later, same restaurant, same couple, same man seated at a corner table, watching this couple talk: They speak but don't communicate. They interrupt each other, shaking their heads or rolling their eyes in disgust. At times they look angry. The husband glances around the room as the wife continues to talk to him. She raises her hands in a frustrated manner, and her voice begins to carry to adjacent tables. He shakes his head, and his eyes convey unbelief and confusion. Soon they leave their table and begin walking out of the restaurant.

The man observing intercepts them and asks, "May I ask you a question?"

The couple stop, hesitate, and look at each other and then back at the man with puzzled expressions.

The husband responds, "Well ... all right. What's your question?" "It's very simple," the man replies. Then he repeats the questions he asked five years earlier. "I couldn't help but notice you talking. Do you feel you can communicate so that you really know what the other person means? Are you really able to grasp what your partner feels and believes? Do you-"

The wife interrupts the man, exclaiming, "Communicate! I try, but he doesn't listen. Either his mind is fried, or he doesn't have the capacity to understand simple language. You'd think I was talking to a stranger. And-"

Her husband breaks in. "Half the time I don't even understand what she's trying to say. You'd think she's speaking a different language. We can't communicate! We talk past each other. I'm on AM, but she's on FM. She sees things so differently from the way I do. And she talks incessantly. On and on and on! I don't know what she's trying to say."

They begin arguing and the man quietly slips into the background as the couple walks away, each oblivious to the fact that neither is listening. Years ago they thought they could communicate, but now....

Meet Sheri and Fred

Let's consider another couple-Sheri and Fred. They've been married for twenty-two years. Sheri says:

After I married Fred, the relationship was okay. But then I felt pinned down or restricted by him. He is so mechanical and precise, he takes the fun out of everything. It's as though we both look at the world and even though we stand in the same place, we see something different.

Fred seems to have a clipboard and is making a list of the facts. It's one thing to be literal, but he is extreme. I know I'm not always the most practical, but Fred is overly so ... and "realistic"-at least that's the way he sees himself. I love possibilities and speculation, but he doesn't seem to see the value of either.

We have so many arguments over my answers. He'd ask, "What time will you be getting home?" and I'd say, "Around five o'clock." That wouldn't do it for him. He needed to know the exact time. If I buy something, it isn't enough that I tell him it was around forty dollars. He wants to know it to the penny.

For several years he wouldn't ask me for directions anywhere-I mean anywhere-even inside a building.

Fred wants a detailed, step-by-step map. I can find where I'm going with instructions like "It's a couple of blocks or signals down Seventeenth and you'll pass some kind of a school on the left, then in a little while you'll turn right and the store is, uh, let's see, two or three blocks on the right. Oh, you can't miss it." That's not good enough for Fred. He says it's not precise enough.

The future intrigues me much more than what's going on at the present time. There are all sorts of surprises to be discovered. Fred looks at things today and wants to know if they work or not. I'd rather think of the possibilities.

Whenever we buy something that needs to be put together, Fred can't wait to get back into the box and find the instructions. He loves to follow them exactly. A friend of mine asked me to think of a word that would describe Fred. The first word that came to mind was predictable. I could set the clock by him. I can tell you what time he gets up, leaves the house, and what he has for lunch. He'll drive the same streets to work or the gym, even though we've got several options.

You can imagine what our communication is like. I don't have the same problem with some of my other friends. But at least I always know the subject we're talking about when Fred brings it up-he identifies it precisely.

Copyright © 2006 by H. Norman Wright

About the Author

H. Norman Wright is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and a certified trauma specialist. In private counseling practice for over 30 years, Dr. Wright has also authored more than 70 books.