Grief: The Answer to 'Why?' Part 2

by Nan Zastrow

(Page 2 of 2)

Discover an acceptable answer to "Why?" - one you can live with.

Sometimes we don't know or understand the full circumstances of the death - so we ask, "Why?" When that answer is elusive, we begin to investigate all the possibilities. When there are no answers to satisfy us, or the answers are contradictory to what we perceive, we feel resentment. It's reasonable at this point, to create our stories with plausible answers that help us to accept the tragedy. Here's how to create a story you can live with: First, explore your theory about why this death occurred in the manner or time that it did. What do you believe happened? Why?

Some reasonable explanations might be:

(a) He or she made a mistake.
(b) He or she was reckless or careless, resulting in death.
(c) He or she ignored health and medical cautions.
(d) He or she acquired an incurable illness or disease.
(e) He or she was aging, and health was declining.
(f) He or she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
(g) He or she was the victim of a malicious crime.

There is one more possibility that comforts some people. Their belief system supports the concept that "It was his or her time to die. God was calling our loved one home."

Choose one of the probable causes (or add one of your own) and use it in your story about your loved one's death. This allows you the comfort of telling your story and moving forward without being burdened by "Why?"

Discover a belief in something beyond.

Often, in our search for meaning, "Why?" urges us to grasp for something less concrete, something "magical" and healing. Our innate spirituality allows us to stretch beyond our physical world and reach out for the unknown.

• A mother whose young daughter died tragically in an accident feels the presence of angels and a sense of security that her daughter is safe.

• A man has a vivid dream of his son who died and believes it was a "message" from beyond. This confirms his belief in the afterlife.

• A young woman whose husband died of kidney failure is comforted to know that he is in God's care where there is no pain - and knows that he would want her to go on with her life.

• A wife indulges in meditation after her husband's death. This helps her concentrate on her inner self, enhances her spirituality and gives her strength.

You can also develop a spiritual sensitivity through meditation, reading and re-building your self-esteem. In turn, this can help you develop a personal philosophy of life and death. Religious roots can be strengthened by acquired spirituality. The two, working together, have the ability to heal the inner spirit.

Discover that "Why?" isn't important anymore.

Though you can't change the situation, you can change yourself. Eventually, to heal your pain, it will be necessary to cease the pursuit of "Why?" and move forward in rebuilding your life.

Relentless pursuits of justice can take control of your life. One man was sure that destroying the animal that took his son's life would be reasonable revenge for his son's death. A couple felt that after a long, enduring trial, bringing a drunk driver to justice would soften the pain of their daughter's untimely death. An irate mother tracked down the young men who had been with her son at the time of the car accident, and accused them (without fact) of irresponsible driving, use of alcoholic beverages and the presence of illegal drugs.

None of these actions solved the mystery of "Why?" Nor do they change what has occurred. These attempts to neutralize the pain are often futile. In the end - even if we accomplish what we set out to do - our loved ones still died. A wilted excuse from either a repentant person or one who feels no remorse will not heal the sorrow we cling to. Revengeful acts or lifelong pursuits of justice only destroy the moral character we value most. They may also result in destroying our own lives and the lives of other loved ones.

When we seek to understand death, we become more comfortable with life. These discoveries transform the bereaved. For Gary and me, our search for meaning was a healing journey. Now I can live without the answer to "Why?" It doesn't matter how the terrible event occurred. I remind myself that knowing won't change a thing. I have beautiful memories to sustain me through the tough times. My faith has given me a firm religious foundation. My spirituality comforts me in the quiet moments by knowing that "Chad is okay." With my new perspective, I'm ready to face the possibilities of "what's next?" And my intuitive self whispers, If you really discovered the answer to "Why?," would it bring Chad or Jenny back?

About the Author

www.wingsgrief.org
Wings is a quarterly magazine that delivers real stories about real people on their journey through grief.