Grief: Discovering Something Greater than the Answer to 'Why?'

by Nan Zastrow

Each time Gary and I start our Sudden Death Learning Series, we ask participants, "Why did you come? How can we help you?"

One response always surfaces. "I want to understand why?" A confirming look appears on the face of others in the group. I'm sure they came hoping that Gary and I would be able to erase the nightmare of events, gaze into a crystal ball, and assure them there is a reason to go on living. It is human nature to ask, "Why?" and there is seldom a satisfactory answer.

Instead of answers, we often give the bereaved "tools" to defuse the reaction that death has robbed them of someone very special and life ceases to have meaning. They have embarked on an adventure and a journey far beyond their imaginations, and it's an arduous task that will challenge a lifetime of beliefs and assumptions. It's a journey of self-discovery. In the search for meaning, there is a priceless gift offered in return for suffering - an opportunity to pick up the pieces and start over again.

This experience will transform who they are today and what they can become. During this transition, they have the potential to discover something even greater than the answer to their collective question. They can discover an inner spirit and an extraordinary courage to survive in a changed world. On their individual journeys, here are a few discoveries our group might find.

Discover the foundation of your core beliefs

We are raised with values and beliefs that influence who we are. We attribute these to our social culture, our religious backgrounds and our educational pursuits. We build a strong code of ethics that reflects our attitudes and our choices in life.

Seldom have these core beliefs been severely challenged before, but nothing challenges them more than the tragic death of a loved one. Our attitude toward what has happened has the potential to "make us or break us," and our foundation of core beliefs may be the saving grace in our times of crisis.

Gary and I can easily remember how dim the future appeared after the death of our son, Chad, at the age of twenty-one, as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later Jenny, his fiancée, took her life, too, perpetuating the anguish and pain we felt. Our religious belief system was temporarily challenged, because the world seemed unjust, and we held God responsible. We asked questions we knew others couldn't answer, but we hoped that something would give us a reason to believe again. What we discovered (after our initial anger) was our religious foundation that became a guiding factor in acceptance and peace. Our core beliefs enabled us to search for meaning with the confidence and assurance that our quest was natural during grief.

When something bad happens in our lives, we may think that God doesn't care or that He has abandoned us. Previously, days may have passed in which we thought little about God, until tragedy struck and we called out His name in anger or in a plea for help. Then, we discovered that God was really there all the time. Searching for meaning helps us redirect our thoughts, sort out our feelings and search deeper to obtain comfort from age-old wisdom. For some, a religious foundation is the greatest source of help and hope.

Discover "Why?" in the treasures of a life, not in the tragedy.

When searching for "Why?" we often put aside our grieving to unravel a daunting mystery. Usually, a satisfactory answer for "Why?" doesn't exist. With no suicidal background or theory about why Chad's life ended so abruptly, we became exhausted with the search. My family assured me it was a mystery. Chad's friends didn't understand it. Some people just turned away. We were so immersed in trying to solve the mystery that we were forgetting the beautiful life of the person who died. When we finally put our question aside, we celebrated the precious memories of who Chad was.

Soothe your uncertainty with memories and celebrate why your loved one was so special. Remember the person, not the perpetrator or the unexplainable event. Make a vow to honor your loved one's memory through ritual and story. You can live with your memories, but you can't live with your nightmares.

Discover a new perspective on what's really important to you.

The tragic death of someone we love makes us instantly realize that something we valued as very important is gone ... and now we must adjust to living without. As a result of grief, our priorities change to reflect what's really important to us. Are your career and the number of hours you spend at the office more important than having dinner or spending time with your family? Is living in the fast lane, indulging in rich food and spending large sums of money on luxuries more important than living a modest, healthy purposeful life? Maybe plans for an early retirement and travel suddenly seem essential. Only you can make the choices, but it is likely that because of grief, you will discover your priorities have changed. Adjusting our priorities helps us live in the moment, realizing that other moments may not exist.

About the Author

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Wings is a quarterly magazine that delivers real stories about real people on their journey through grief.