The Wounds of Grief, Part 2

Inside/Outside
by Nan Zastrow

(Page 2 of 2)

Abandonment, loneliness, loss of relationships

These produce major wounds and produce multiple side effects. It may take months and even years to heal from them. The problem is two-sided. Friends don't know what to say or how to act to a grieving spouse, parent, neighbor or friend; and we don't know what to say to them. Past relationships may have been built on mutual interests, social events, work assignments or community obligations. With the death of a "companion," friendships and relationships change. Sometimes they even disappear. We also choose to isolate ourselves from others, believing this is the best way to deal with the pain we are feeling. Over time we discover that isolation breeds resentment and the pain gets worse. Sometimes counseling or medication is required. Ignoring the pain will never heal an open wound, but pain management, whether medical or mental, does create healing results.

Wudda-cudda-shudda and "if onlys"

Our sentences often begin with these dubious words: "If only, I had called the ambulance sooner...." "I cudda prayed more...." I wudda performed CPR, but instead I called 911." If only I had come home when I sensed something was wrong." "I shudda watched him closer and he wouldn't have gotten hurt."

These terms are defined as the "voices in our head" that dictate alternative methods of doing something that is already done. They cause us to judge our actions and ourselves. The words instill regret and create self-doubt. These wounds run deep with guilt, anger and self-pity - often self-imposed. Without gentle healing and attention, they will fester and become deadly. Learning to let go of self-doubt and judgment will bring relief. Counseling and medical intervention may be necessary.

Loss of purpose, meaning. Loss of dreams.

Our lives are built on visions of hope. Loss of purpose, meaning and dreams produces long-term scars. We plan our weeks and years through dreams for the future. We work hard to "save" for the plans we've made. Typically, our plans include that someone special as a path to fulfillment. When someone special dies and our plans are interrupted, our life purpose is badly bruised. Our inclination is to "hold on" as a means of survival, but at some point, letting go is the only way to heal. These wounds heal when we allow the fresh air, new ideas and new choices a chance to work in our lives. The scars may remain, but the ability to function returns.

If you are the First Responder: Acknowledging Someone's Wounds.

It is inevitable in life that you will meet someone who has been wounded by grief. You may be the "First Responder" to their emotional turmoil. So, how can you acknowledge the wound and set the stage for healing?

1. Clean the wound. First, and foremost, acknowledge the wound or the pain, inside or outside, that you discern the person is feeling. Say something briefly to put the person at ease and open the conversation: "I heard about your loss." "Or I'm sorry to hear about _____'s death." Or, "I'm sorry that you are so sad."

2. Dress the wound and apply antiseptic as needed. Explain, if necessary, that you don't know what to say. Or just be present to the griever's pain in total silence or through compassionate gestures like a hug, a hand on the shoulder or a heartfelt, "What can I do to help you?" Be present to their pain and allow them to tell their story.

3. Apply a temporary band-aid, until long-term care can be found. Offer support and encouragement that is comfortable to you. Create a moment of caring. This builds trust. If humor is appropriate (based on the individual), use it sparingly by relating a good story, or interesting parable from your own life or the life of a friend. Be helpful and identify their needs. Offer suggestions for continued care (such as clergy, support group, counselor).

4. Treat the wound for recovery. You aren't expected to be there for every phase of healing. But follow-up and keep in touch occasionally. Recovery is achievable with patience, time and a good support system. Each of us, as we grieve, is responsible for our own grief work that ultimately leads to personal healing. The grace of friends who continue to care along the way makes the process easier.

Healing Your Wounds

My wounds from my fall healed quickly, and there were no serious injuries or surprises as a result. I was fortunate. The bruises on the inside took longer than the broken skin on the outside. I realized that this event was a "setback" but not a crisis. I was most comforted by a favorite quote: Pain becomes bearable when we are able to trust that it won't last forever, not when we pretend that it doesn't exist." (Alla Bozarth-Campbell)

About the Author

www.wingsgrief.org
Wings is a quarterly magazine that delivers real stories about real people on their journey through grief.