What Are You Afraid Of . . . And Why?

Feel the Fear ... and Do It Anyway
by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Are you afraid of making decisions ... asking your boss for a raise ... leaving an unfulfilling relationship ... facing the future? Whatever your fear, here is your chance to push through it once and for all. In this enduring guide to self-empowerment, Dr. Susan Jeffers inspires us with dynamic techniques and profound concepts that have helped countless people grab hold of their fears and move forward with their lives. Inside you'll discover

• what we are afraid of, and why
• how to move from victim to creator
• the secret of making no lose decisions
• the vital 10-step process that helps you outtalk the negative chatterbox in your brain
• how to create more meaning in your life

And so much more!

With insight and humor, Dr. Jeffers shows you how to become powerful in the face of your fears and enjoy the elation of living a creative, joyous, loving life.

Chapter 1

I am about to teach another fear class. The classroom is empty. I am waiting for my new group of students to appear. My nervousness about teaching these classes disappeared a long time ago. Not only have I taught it many times, but I also know my students before I meet them. They are like the rest of us: all trying to do the best they can and all uncertain about whether they're good enough. It never varies.

As the students enter the room, I can feel the tension. They sit as far apart from one another as possible, until the seats between must be filled because of lack of space. They don't talk to one another, but sit nervously, expectantly. I love them for their courage to admit that their lives are not working the way they want them to work. And their presence in the class signifies that they are ready to do something about it.

I begin by going around the room asking each student to tell the rest of us what he or she is having difficulty confronting in life. Their stories unfold:

Don wants to change his career of fourteen years and follow his dreams of becoming an artist.

Mary Alice is an actress who wants to discover why she finds all kinds of excuses for not attending auditions.

Sarah wants to leave a marriage of fifteen years.

Teddy wants to get over his fear of aging. He is all of thirty-two.

Jean is a senior citizen who wants to confront her doctor; he treats her like a child and never gives her any straight answers.

Patti wants to expand her business, but can't make the required leap to the next step.

Rebecca wants to confront her husband with things that have been bothering her.

Kevin wants to get over a fear of rejection that makes it very difficult to ask a woman for a date.

Laurie wants to know why she is unhappy when she has everything one could possibly want in life.

Richard is retired and feels useless. He fears his life is over.

And so it goes until everyone's story is heard.

I'm fascinated with what happens during the go-around. As each person shares from the heart, the entire atmosphere begins to change. The tension quickly fades and relief is expressed on everyone's face.

First, my students begin to realize that they are not the only ones in the world feeling afraid. Second, they begin to see how attractive people become as they open up and share their feelings. Long before the last person has spoken, a feeling of warmth and camaraderie pervades the room. They are strangers no more.

Although the backgrounds and situations of the class members vary greatly, it does not take long for the surface layers of their particular stories to disappear, opening the way for everyone to touch on a very human level. The common denominator is the fact that fear is keeping all of them from experiencing life the way they want to experience it.

The scenario above repeats itself in each fear class I teach. At this point you might be wondering how one course can accommodate all the diverse fears reported by the class members-their needs seem to be so varied. It's true. They do seem varied until we dig a little deeper and look at the underlying cause of all their fears-and everyone else's.

Fear can be broken down into three levels. The first level is the surface story, such as the ones described above. This level of fear can be divided into two types: those that "happen" and those that require action. Here is a partial list of Level 1 fears divided into these types:

Level 1 Fears
Those that "Happen"	Those Requiring Action
Aging	Going back to school
Becoming disabled	Making decisions
Retirement	Changing a career
Being alone	Making friends
Children leaving home	Ending or beginning a
Natural disasters	relationship
Loss of financial security	Going to the doctor
Change	Asserting oneself
Dying	Losing weight
War	Being interviewed
Illness	Driving
Losing a loved one	Public speaking
Accidents	Making a mistake
Rape	Intimacy

You might have a few you can add to the list. As I hinted earlier, you wouldn't be alone if you said to yourself, "Some of the above" or even "All of the above." There is a reason for this. One of the insidious qualities of fear is that it tends to permeate many areas of our lives. For example, if you fear making new friends, it then stands to reason that you also may fear going to parties, having intimate relationships, applying for jobs, and so on.

This is made clearer by a look at the second layer of fear, which has a very different feel from that of Level 1. Level 2 fears are not situation-oriented; they involve the ego.

Level 2 Fears
Rejection	Being conned
Success	Helplessness
Failure	Disapproval
Being vulnerable	Loss of image

Level 2 fears have to do with inner states of mind rather than exterior situations. They reflect your sense of self and your ability to handle this world. This explains why generalized fear takes place. If you are afraid of being rejected, this fear will affect almost every area of your life-friends, intimate relationships, job interviews, and so on. Rejection is rejection-wherever it is found. So you begin to protect yourself, and, as a result, greatly limit yourself. You begin to shut down and close out the world around you. Look over the Level 2 list once again, and you will see how any one of these fears can greatly impact many areas of your life.

Copyright © 2006 by Susan Jeffers.

About the Author

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. received a doctorate in psychology from Columbia University. She is a noted pyblic speaker, workshop leader, and media personality. She has created numerous audiotape and instructional materials on the subjects of fear and relationships. She is the author of Opening Our Hearts to Men and Dare to Connect: Reaching Out in Romance, Friendship, and the Workplace. Dr. Jeffers lives with her husband in Tesque, New Mexico.