The Damage of Nondecisions

Not Your Parents' Marriage: Bold Partnership for a New Generation
by Jerome Daley

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[Kellie] So we got married and moved back to North Carolina to get settled, and you decided you didn't want to do the college ministry after all.

[Jerome] A classic blunder... at least in the sense that we didn't make the decision together. Looking back on it, I can see that I was afraid I would fail. The college setting seemed a lot more "dangerous" to me than ministering inside the church.

[Kellie] A specific example of this decision-making dynamic was when we first moved to town. We lived that first month with your parents, who had a wonderful guest room over their garage. You were sick with strep throat, so opportunities for apartment hunting were limited. We did eventually find our own place-what seemed to be the best thing going in our price range-but I wasn't quite ready to make a decision. That weekend we were going to my parents' house, and you felt strongly that we needed to go ahead and put down a deposit and sign the lease so we wouldn't lose the place. I wanted to take the weekend to pray over the decision, but we went ahead and signed before we left town. I wasn't upset with you, but I wasn't comfortable with the decision.

The very next day we got a call from a lady in our church. She owned a very nice townhouse that was suddenly vacant, and she offered to rent it to us for a fraction of its worth.

[Jerome] That townhouse was more than we could have dreamed of. It was a situation where God was determined to bless us beyond our wisdom or foresight. But I guess the point is that if we had been committed to making decisions together-as we are now-we wouldn't have made the blunder. We wouldn't have lost the deposit on the apartment. But we learned from that. Now we don't make any decision of consequence that affects the other without consulting each other... without having the chance to really process it and truly come into authentic agreement.

[Kellie] Psalm 133 talks about being in unity and how that is where God commands the blessing. When you're not in unity, it's harder for God to bring that blessing. God's overwhelming desire is to bless each of you and to bless your marriage. But he wants to bless you in a way that will build his larger design for your marriage. If you move in unity, that brings his heart and intention to bear on your marriage. God blesses your efforts to move forward together as you take each other into account and seek agreement in all your major decisions. When you fail to move in unity, you risk forfeiting God's blessing.

Conflicting Opinions and an Emerging Partnership

[Kellie] It was a hard awakening for us. You wanted so much to be a godly leader, and we learned early on that I had discernment and strong opinions. So it took us a while to make those things mesh. It was messy at first.

[Jerome] It was a process of discovery. I certainly didn't know when we got married how strong your opinions were-or that it was a positive thing. At least it's a positive thing now that we've come to understand it and channel it through our partnership. But for a long time it didn't appear to be a good thing at all. There were times I felt you didn't respect my leadership because you wouldn't just let me make the decisions! And that was faulty thinking on my part.

[Kellie] The way marriages often unfold is either a strong husband doing the leading or, at the other end of the spectrum, a strong wife doing the leading. Intuitively, we didn't want either of those, but we defaulted to the husband-driven model because we thought it was biblical.

[Jerome] That was more faulty thinking. The biblical framework for marriage is oneness; that's the grid through which we have to understand leadership. Everyone talks about oneness in marriage, but what does that really mean? What does it look like, and how do couples live it out? An older couple helped us understand a simple truth: until we come into complete agreement, we should delay making a decision. Sometimes this takes more time, but it's always worth the wait. Oneness is the heart of marriage, and it's at the heart of God's desire for your marriage. But there is a danger in talking about oneness, because the word has lost much of its deeper meaning. That's why we've chosen instead to use the word partnership. It's much easier to talk about what it means to live together as partners; oneness seems too ethereal. The words oneness and partnership both attempt to describe the mystical union of two people who enter marriage. Oneness highlights the single identity of the covenantal relationship. Partnership highlights the reality that this covenant will always be comprised of two distinct souls. In this sense, partnership is a practical way of looking at how two people bring their individuality into one vision, one purpose, and one destiny. Oneness is the goal; partnership is the means to that goal.

Copyright © 2006 by Jerome and Kellie Daley.

About the Author

Jerome and Kellie Daley cofounded oneFlesh Ministries after serving for ten years as worship pastor and leader of women's ministries in a local church. Through oneFlesh, they call people to pursue a life of intimacy with God and one another. Jerome is the author of Soul Space and When God Waits. He holds a master of arts in New Testament from Columbia Biblical Seminary, and Kellie holds a master of arts in educational ministries from the same institution. The Daleys live in Greensboro, North Carolina, with their three children.