Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills

Positive Discipline
by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.

(Page 2 of 2)

1. Strong perceptions of personal capabilities-"I am capable."

2. Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships-"I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed."

3. Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life-"I can influence what happens to me."

4. Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.

5. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.

6. Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.

7. Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.

Children developed these perceptions and skills naturally when they were allowed to work side by side with their parents, receiving on-the-job training while making meaningful contributions to the family lifestyle. The irony is that in the good old days children had opportunities to develop strong life skills, but had few opportunities to use them. Now the world is full of opportunities for which too many children are not prepared. Today children do not have many natural opportunities to feel needed and significant, but parents and teachers can thoughtfully provide these opportunities. A wonderful fringe benefit is that most behavior problems can be eliminated when parents and teachers learn more effective ways to help their children and students develop healthy perceptions and skills. Most misbehavior can be traced to a lack of development in these Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills.

Understanding why children do not behave the way they used to is the first step for parents and teachers who are facing child-discipline challenges. We need to understand why controlling methods, which worked so well many years ago, are not effective with children today. We need to understand our obligation to provide opportunities, which were once provided by circumstances, for children to develop responsibility and motivation. And most important, we need to understand that cooperation based on mutual respect and shared responsibility is more effective than authoritarian control (see Table 1.1).

The attitude of parents or teachers who choose between each of the three approaches is very different.

Strictness-"These are the rules by which you must abide, and this is the punishment you will receive for violation of the rules." Children are not involved in the decision-making process.

Permissiveness-"There are no rules. I am sure we will love each other and be happy, and you will be able to choose your own rules later."

Positive Discipline-"Together we will decide on rules for our mutual benefit. We will also decide together on solutions that will be helpful to all concerned when we have problems. When I must use my judgment without your input, I will use firmness with kindness, dignity, and respect."

As a fun way to illustrate the extreme differences between the three approaches, Dr. John Platt3 tells the story of three-year-old Johnny at breakfast time in each home. In a strict home, where Mom knows what is best, Johnny does not have a choice regarding breakfast. On a cold, rainy day, controlling mothers all over the world know that Johnny needs some kind of hot mush to get him through the day. Johnny, however, has different ideas. He looks at the mush and says, "Yuck! I don't want this stuff!" One hundred years ago it was much easier to be a strict, controlling mother. She could just say, "Eat!" and Johnny would obey. It is more difficult today, so Mom goes through the following four steps in her effort to get obedience.

Step one: Mom tries to convince Johnny why he needs hot mush to get him through the day. Remember what your mother told you hot mush would do inside your body? "It will stick to your ribs!" Have you ever thought about what a three-year-old thinks when he is told hot mush will stick to his ribs? He is not very impressed.

Step two: Mom tries to make the mush taste better. She tries all kinds of concoctions-brown sugar, cinnamon, raisins, honey, maple syrup, and even chocolate chips. Johnny takes another bite and still says, "Yuck! I hate this stuff!"

Step three: Mom tries to teach him a lesson in gratitude. "But Johnny, think of all the children in Africa who are starving to death." Johnny is still not impressed and replies, "Well, send it to them."

Step four: Mom is now exasperated and feels that her only alternative is to teach him a lesson for his disobedience. She gives him a spanking and tells him he can just be hungry.

Mom feels good about the way she handled the situation for about thirty minutes before she starts feeling guilty. What will people think when they find out she couldn't get her child to eat? And what if Johnny is really suffering from hunger?

Johnny plays outside long enough to build up guilt power before he comes in and claims, "Mommy, my tummy is so hungry!"

Mom now gets to give the most fun lecture of all-the "I told you so" lecture. She doesn't notice that Johnny is staring into space while he waits for her to finish so he can get on with life. Mom feels very good about her lecture. She has now done her duty to let him know how right she was. She then gives him a cracker and sends him out to play again. To make up for the nutritional loss suffered from lack of a good breakfast, she goes into the kitchen and starts fixing liver and broccoli. Guess what lunch will be like?

© 2006 by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.

About the Author

Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., is a California-licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist, and was an elementary school counselor and a collage instructor in child development for ten years. She is also the author or coauthor of the following: Positive Discipline A-Z, Positive Discipline in the Classroom, Positive Discipline: A Teacher's A-Z guide, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Positive Discipline for Single Parents, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Raising Self-reliant Children in a Self-indulgent World, and Understanding: Eliminating Stress and Finding Serenity in Life and Relationships. Jane has appeared on Oprah, Sally Jessy Raphael, Twin Cities Live, and as a featured parent expert on the National Parent Quiz. She is the mother of seven children and has thirteen grandchildren.