The Same Old Dance

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
by Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich

(Page 3 of 3)

Kay and I grew up in the fifties (What's a "shoo bop bop"?) and were teenagers in the sixties, and our lives and music are virtually inseparable. For our second date I asked Kay to a concert, and over the years we have enjoyed many styles of music. While many songs are about the blissful beginnings or the sorrowful endings of relationships, not many songs are written about the hard work of change or the rewards of persevering through relational challenges. In my office I have a painting of a couple dancing titled "Dance Me to the End of Love" by Jack Vettriano. In it, a beautifully poised couple stands at the edge of a dance floor prepared for a ballroom dance competition. (My wife thinks they are dancing on the beach, but being a man, I see a competitive scene.) Consider this scene metaphorically. With other couples softly faded beyond them, these two individuals are ready to take their turn upon the dance floor of life. How will they fare? What challenges lie ahead? Will the whimsical currents and turns of fate sweep them along uncontrollably, finally ripping them apart, or will they navigate the passages of life and emerge on the other side more deeply in love and still dancing? Their success will be determined by their willingness to persevere when the dance becomes awkward and they start stepping on each other's toes. Sooner or later, every couple will struggle. They will have to acknowledge that they are out of step and be ready to grow as individuals in order to find a new rhythm and a new dance that brings them close again. But some people choose to say good-bye when the dance gets difficult. Many other couples want to improve their relationship, but they do not know where to begin.

In my work as a pastoral counselor doing marriage therapy and in Kay's work as a licensed marriage and family therapist, we have talked with hundreds of couples. Often, these hurting people want a quick fix. But what if they make a real effort and it still doesn't work out? There is no guarantee. Life and relationships are uncertain, and Garth Brooks sings about the latter in his signature song, "The Dance": I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance.

He's right. Love is like a dance. Yet many of the couples we see in our offices would disagree with Garth. Sitting in the pain of divorce and looking back at the marriage, they would rather have skipped the dance altogether than to find themselves wounded and exhausted at the end of a dusty, bumpy road that has led them to this relational dead end.

Kay: The truth is, every marriage has areas of pain and distress, but we think the pain can be constructive. It's like a red light on the dashboard of a car signaling us the engine needs attention. It is uncomfortable to be stuck, and it is uncomfortable to change. We might as well choose the discomfort that is productive-and change! Is the red light in your marriage flashing? We hope to help you see the cause of the discord and give you tools to do whatever needs to be done, from adjusting the timing to overhauling the engine.

You Can Learn A New Dance!

Learning about loves styles (attachment theory) has helped us immensely, and we believe that it can help you too. Stop for a minute and ask yourself a few questions. Are family relationships more difficult than you thought they would be? Would you like less conflict and more intimacy in your marriage? Have you been married long enough to observe that the same fights occur again and again? Is unresolved conflict eroding intimacy in your marriage? Have you lost some of the affection you used to enjoy? Are you and your spouse on opposite poles when it comes to sexual desire? Do you have trouble providing each other comfort and nurture? Do you feel like you are simply roommates, busily pursuing life and tending to family needs and occasionally stopping in the hall to exchange pleasantries, sometimes with undertones of resentment? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this book could be an insightful catalyst for change in your relationship.

Couples and families entering our offices for help come with myriad issues. No matter what the surface problems, though, Kay and I have discovered that when we focus on deepening a couple's bond and connection by addressing each person's love style, the initial symptoms often resolve themselves. We rarely see anything new. Instead we see familiar and predictable patterns created by five common imprints, and that is good news. Why is that good news? you might be thinking. Well, what would you rather hear from a doctor-"I've seen thirty of these cases this week" or "This is so rare, I need to look it up in a medical journal"?

When there is ready recognition of a problem more common than we realized, we usually feel optimistic that our condition is treatable. We breathe a sigh of relief and listen attentively as the doctor explains the prognosis and recommends a course of treatment. Even though something is wrong with us, when the physician reassures us that it is not rare and is quite treatable, we feel optimistic the problem will eventually be rectified.

Kay: The same is true with harmful imprints. Each imprint is recognizable, and when different imprints collide, the resulting patterns are predictable. We hope and pray that once you understand your individual part of the marriage dance, you will begin to experience a mental shift and feel inspired to learn a new rhythm so you are no longer stepping on your spouse's toes. This book can change how you love by giving you a clear diagnosis of and remedy for your marital problem. (We should also mention that our companion workbook offers more practical ways to facilitate change.) But, most of all, we want to share with you our passion about the revolutionary principles we'll share, because our marriage and hundreds of others have been literally transformed by the power and application of this information. We invite you to discover the source of your relational difficulties once and for all as we unveil the following:

• how your formative years created your relational love style
• what your problematic imprint can do inside a marriage
• why your imprint creates a core pattern with your spouse's
• where to find the skills that will have you doing a whole new dance in your marriage

It has been nineteen short years since God brought us the people who helped us uncover the roots of our marital struggles. We believe these people were an answer to our prayer, the one that has been spoken in our house more often than any other. It consists of four simple words: "Lord, give us wisdom." It's a handy little prayer that fits into every day because we need wisdom for big and small things alike. One of our favorite bits of wisdom is found in Philippians 1:9, which asks for a specific kind of wisdom:

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary ... bountiful in fruits from the soul. (MSG)

The apostle Paul wasn't talking here about trying harder to love. His was an implied request for a greater capacity to give and receive love based on deeper insight into real love. Since making this our prayer, God has shown Milan and me more ways to better love each other than we ever expected. And we pray He does the same for you. We pray this book will help you examine the conflicting steps that have been tripping you up, and we pray it will introduce you to a new dance, to a deeper, richer marital relationship.

Copyright © 2006 by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master's degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master's degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.