The Revolutionary Truth

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
by Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich

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What are these imprints-these earlier dance lessons that healthy or not form our beliefs and expectations about love? All of us have an imprint of intimacy, the sum of our learning about how to love. Our imprint determines our love style-how we interact with others when it comes to love. For a few of us, our early love lessons were ideal, and our love style is healthy and positive. Most of us had some hurtful experiences resulting in a harmful imprint and impaired love style. Have you every considered the unseen forces governing how you love? Like Milan and me, you will most likely identify with one of five, common, ineffective love styles resulting from less than ideal imprints. I first learned how definable these love styles were when I was in graduate school. I had a wonderful supervisor and mentor named Dae Leckie. She taught me the importance of our first lessons about love and introduced me to attachment theory. I was amazed to easily identify my own love style as well as Milan's.

For the first time I could see how our different styles collided and were at the root of the destructive core pattern that had frustrated us for fourteen years. This new knowledge provided the most profound revelations about how we loved-and why it wasn't working.

Milan: Being cautious about some aspects of psychology, I found it interesting to see that in the New Testament the Greek word for "soul" is psuche, which means "inner person" in its broadest sense. The word psychology uses the same Greek root and literally means "the study of the soul," giving rise to our concept of the spiritual that resides within. Attachment theory, simply put, is based on a child's bond with his or her primary caregiver. God designed us to need connection, and our relationships with our parents is the first place this happens-or doesn't happen. Attachment theory outlines specifically what can go wrong and looks at how our ability to love is shaped by our first experiences with our parents and caregivers during our early years. These early experiences leave a lasting imprint on our souls that is still observable in our adult relationships.

Kay: Of course, none of us are shaped perfectly during our formative years. Our world is less than ideal, and our ability to love is marred as a result. Attachment theory helps us recognize this by simply describing observable behavioral patterns, some that are helpful and some that are harmful when it comes to forming healthy, loving relationships. Milan and I had no idea what was driving us to respond to each other in the damaging ways we were. All we could see were the frustrating symptoms we had tried for years to resolve. Locked in this repetitive dance, we stepped on each other's toes, threw each other off balance, and moved to different tunes in our heads, neither of us understanding where we learned the songs we danced to. It was definitely a destructive duet! As we came to understand the harmful aspects of our imprints and the resulting love styles, Milan and I were finally able to understand that the frustrating core pattern that had plagued our marriage for years was a result of our individual imprints colliding. No wonder it felt like we were dancing with four left feet! Attachment theory explained the root of Milan's pursuing and my distancing, the sparks behind countless arguments in our marriage. Attachment theory revealed why his "niceness" was annoying and why connection was so difficult for me. And it explained the root of both Milan's anxiety and my depression. We also learned where our original melodies came from and what each of us was contributing to our destructive duet. For example, we've heard so many couples say, "I never felt this frustrated by anybody before. Only my spouse makes me feel this way, so it must be his/her fault." Actually, the opposite is true. Primary relationships cause our own injurious imprints and resulting love styles to come fully into the light. In fact, our marriage relationships will shine the spotlight on our old attachment injuries. The good news is, marriage offers an opportunity for you and your mate to be each other's healer as you face these wounds together. When you discover the roots of your relational struggles, you can change how you love each other.

Milan: Attachment theory is valuable, life-changing information, and it is not difficult to understand. Simply put, what bothers you most about your spouse is undoubtedly related to painful experiences from his or her childhood and a lack of training in addressing the true challenges of marriage. Your marriage problems did not begin in your marriage! You and your spouse are doing the dance steps you learned in childhood. For each of you, a pattern of relating was set in motion long before you met, causing you to relate to each other in certain ways. Unaware of the powerful influence of our early years in predetermining our dance, we aren't able to understand our reactions or make changes.

The fact is, we can never truly know our mates until we understand their childhood experiences. As I began to share detailed memories of my past, Kay began to understand me in a deeper way. I'd been raised in a Christian home that had many positive qualities, but love meant being overly protected in some ways and under protected in other ways. I didn't understand some of my parents' emotions and relational stresses. So I developed separation anxiety at an early age. When Kay learned the origin of my fear, she began to understand why her tendency to distance was so agitating to me. Kay was able to be more patient and loving when my anxiety was triggered, and I understood myself better.

Then, as I listened to Kay's memories, I began to understand why she seemed so detached and distant at times. I felt less rejected and anxious when this happened once I understood this was a response she had learned as a child. Much of the irritation we had toward each other began to be replaced with a new compassion.

Copyright © 2006 by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master's degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master's degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.