Why Every Marriage Gets Stuck

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
by Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich

Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?

The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage may lie buried in your childhood.

Your early life experiences create an "intimacy imprint" - an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all future relationships, especially your marriage. In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you pinpoint the reason your marriage is struggling - and they reveal exactly what you can do about it.

Drawing on the powerful tool of attachment theory, the Yerkoviches identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. As you discover how your relationship has been guided by these imprints, you'll gain the insights you need to stop stepping on each other's toes and instead allow yourselves to be swept along by the music of a richer, deeper relationship.

If we all naturally knew how to love, this book would be unnecessary, and Milan and I would each be out of a job as counselors. All of us who have been married more than a few years will admit it is a bit more challenging than we anticipated on our wedding day. Every marriage has nagging problems calling for our attention. Many people end up thinking their relationship is difficult because they married the wrong person. But the fact that many people are on to their second and third marriages proves that no marriage is tension free. Sometimes our marriages seem to run fairly smoothly-until we hit a crisis or face difficult circumstances. Stress always makes underlying problems more apparent.

Over the years many couples have come to us for help with their problems. We routinely ask several questions no matter what situation they describe. Recently, for instance, Hannah and Robert came in for their initial session. I asked them what Milan and I ask all the couples we see in our offices: "Tell me about the chronic irritations in your relationship. Perhaps it's the same old fight that never gets resolved. Maybe it's a pattern of relating that occurs again and again. Where do you get stuck?"

Hannah looked at Robert, and they laughed. "That's easy," she smiled. "It happened in the car on the drive to your office. I'm always the one bringing up the problems, so Robert is always telling me I am controlling. I was mad at him because he didn't know what he wanted to talk about in our counseling session. He's too passive. I want him to initiate more and try harder." Robert chimed in, "I do try. It's just never enough for you, Hannah." Hannah looked at me. "See? Now he will pout and withdraw, and nothing

will get resolved." I summarized, "So no matter what problem you want to discuss, this is your same old dance, the pattern that happens over and over. Is that correct?"

Robert and Hannah both nodded. They had pinpointed their core pattern. Some couples who are just dating can already describe their core pattern. A core pattern is the predicable way you and your spouse react to each other that leaves each of you frustrated and dissatisfied. Some are married a few years before it is apparent but sooner or later couples can readily identify the same old place when they get stuck. Maybe it's the same complaints that come up again and again without every getting resolved or a familiar pattern of fighting, no matter what the topic. Milan and I are no different. We were married in 1972, and by 1976 we had discovered the classic scene that would play itself out over and over for ten more years of our marriage.

We had just put the kids to bed and collapsed on the couch. I picked up a magazine and began to thumb through it, and Milan sat quietly watching me. This was a familiar feeling; I knew he was taking my emotional temperature. I was hoping he would pick up the remote and turn on the television. "How are you doing? Did you have a good day?" he asked.

I could feel myself getting annoyed. "Why do you keep asking me that? You already asked me that question two times since you came home from work. It's the same answer: I'm fine."

We were starting the wearisome dance that would send us both to bed angry and frustrated. I tried to derail the invitation. "I think there is a game on TV tonight." Milan was undeterred. "If you're fine, then why did it bother you when I hugged and kissed you when I came home from work? I'm happy to see you, and you act like it's a chore to give me a little affection. You have been distant all evening. What's going on?"

I sighed. I wish you would go away and let me read my magazine, I thought. For some reason, I began to explain, knowing it wouldn't help. "I've had kids hanging on me all day. When you got home, I was in the middle of cooking dinner and supervising homework, and you want me to drop everything. Why do you always have to make such a big deal?" The next steps of the dance were predictable.

Milan would give me examples of my lack of affection and attentiveness, and I would tell him he was too needy and made me feel smothered. If you have been married for a few years, you can probably describe your own recurring fight, the discussion you've had over and over that never gets resolved. You can probably also describe the ways you avoid dealing with problems, and they may be some of the same lines we hear in our offices every day.

• "I try hard to make you happy, but you are never satisfied."
• "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you."
• "I've told you over and over what I need, and you just won't do it."
• "Why can't you be more spontaneous and passionate?"
• "If you would listen and do what I ask, I wouldn't be angry."
• "I'm happy with the way things are. You're the one who is always bringing up problems."
• "You say you're sorry, but nothing changes."

Are any of these steps in your same old dance? Maybe, like us, you find yourself locked in the same tiring dance over and over. Maybe you've tried to change your marriage and have been disappointed with the results. Much marriage advice focuses on treating symptoms and surface issues. You think, If it were possible to simply stop certain behaviors and do something different, it would be that easy. But trying to change the things on the surface misses the underlying issues. Occasionally, the adjustment brings good results, and the annoying problem dies down. But it always comes back because there are source patterns guiding those bumbling steps, and until you address them, the dance won't get any better.

Marriage is the most challenging relationship you will ever have, and to think otherwise is to live in denial. When you are with someone day in and day out, you can't hide. Your weaknesses become quite visible, and old feelings from the distant past are stirred. The close proximity of our mates triggers old feelings as we look to them to meet many of the needs our parents were originally supposed to meet. Milan and I spent the first fourteen years of our marriage trying to change our destructive pattern, but we were only addressing the obvious issues that constantly surfaced. We listed the problems and searched for solutions. After fourteen years, though, a huge change took place when we discovered the unseen forces that determined how we loved. We realized our lessons in love didn't start in marriage. They started in infancy and lasted for all the years we lived with our parents. Our experiences growing up, good and bad, left a lasting imprint in our souls that determined our beliefs and expectations about how to give love and receive love. Milan and I had different lessons about love, which resulted in different imprints, and without realizing it, we were dancing to different tunes. No wonder we were stepping on each other's toes. Lasting change became possible when we made that revolutionary discovery.

Copyright © 2006 by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master's degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master's degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.