Part 2

And One More Thing...; A Mother's Advice on Life, Love, and Lipstick
by Joan Caraganis Jakobson

(Page 2 of 3)

Once I went to a dinner party and sat beside a woman, and my date was sitting next to a man. There were six men and six women. Why did I end up with a woman when there were enough men to go around?

That happened because traditionally the hostess has to be at one head of the table and her husband at the other, but that no longer makes sense. It's not as though you are still a child with your mother and father at opposite ends of the table.

The hostess can sit at one end of the table, closest to the kitchen, and her husband can sit wherever. This way, there will be a woman at the head of the table, but who cares? The seating arrangement will be boy/girl, boy/girl.

When you give a dinner party, do consider inviting one guest who may be more outspoken and opinionated than the others. A party made up of tasteful and well-behaved people can be tedious, but someone whom you can count on to be a bit offensive can really move the evening along. I once overheard a woman say to another guest at a dinner at our house, "You know, I told my husband that you are the bravest woman I know." "Really," said the other guest, pleased and flattered. "Why is that?"

"Because you had your family Christmas card photographs taken without having your hairdresser do something about your dark roots, and I don't know when I've ever heard of a more courageous act," she said, nodding and smiling. "I've told everyone," she added.

Mommy, that was you with the dark roots! Yes, and I never invited that woman back. But it did make for a memorable evening. Unless you're giving a small dinner and all are friends anyway, sit your guests next to people they'd like to know, not those with whom they are already well acquainted. And if you're having three couples and one single woman for dinner, place the unescorted woman between two men and seat two of the other women beside each other. Don't penalize the single woman for not bringing a date and at least provide her with one for dinner.

If you are the host of a large dinner party and have several tables, do not give into temptation to put all your least-enchanting guests together and in your mind call it the Alpo table. They'll figure it out and be justifiably cross and hurt. And they will figure it out.

Sometimes it's necessary to give a dinner guest whom you really like a tiresome or annoying dinner partner on one side. This is perfectly permissible as long as you make up for it by providing that guest with a charmer on the other side.

Some of my friends say that there are subjects that you can't discuss at dinners or parties. Why do they say that and do you think they're right?

I was chatting away at a dinner party one evening and suddenly my hostess said, "Oh, please, we don't talk about politics or religion at our dinners." I shouldn't have been surprised by her words or her frozen smile. There is a prohibition on discussing sex, politics, and religion on social entertaining and men behaving badly at dinner parties occasions, ostensibly because these subjects that are so near to people's hearts are also too upsetting, particularly if the guests argue about them. I disagree and have never understood the rationale behind this edict. Even though I am an atheist, among my most enjoyable and memorable dinner partners have been a Catholic priest, an Episcopalian bishop, and a university chaplain. I am also a liberal Democrat who spends many evenings with Republicans. A former cabinet member in a Republican administration once sat on my right at a dinner table and at one point informed me that I was "the liberal backwash of our dismal past." But it wasn't said with anger, and once I determined that backwash didn't necessarily apply to my hair, I found the description almost beguiling. Almost.

Personally, I think there's nothing more fun to talk about and debate than sex, politics, and religion. Since there is more often than not a sex scandal going on in Washington or Hollywood, it's hard to avoid it and really, who'd want to? As for politics, life is politics; it's what we are, and one of the benefits of living in a democracy is being able to discuss our elected officials, how they're voting, and with whom they are sleeping.

Why can't we discuss issues that are close to our hearts? What is it that intelligent, thinking adults should talk about? Moisturizing creams and whose child is showing signs of projectile vomiting? It is possible to discuss potentially controversial issues without attacking people or ignoring their feelings.

If you feel strongly about a political or social issue and it stirs your soul, then talk about it. Argue about it. Maybe you'll change someone's mind or maybe someone will change yours. But don't be afraid to speak up.

Copyright © 2005 by Joan Jakobson

About the Author

Joan Jakobson has written the "Hers" column for the New York Times Sunday magazine, the "My Turn" column in Newsweek, the "Social Graces" column for Town & Country, and the "On My Mind" column for Cosmopolitan. Her articles have also appeared in Family Circle, New York, Bergdorf Goodman Magazine, Civilization, Quest, and New York Social Diary. She has a daughter and son, and six stepchildren. She lives with her husband in New York City.