Choosing Adoption : Part 2

The Ultimate Insider's Guide to Adoption: Everything You Need to Know About Domestic and International Adoption
by Elizabeth Swire Falker, Esq., P.C.

(Page 2 of 2)

For some of us it takes a little longer and you need to do more exploration before you hit the bliss zone. Maybe you've been exploring the various ways to adopt, but nothing feels right. Birth families and relinquishment laws scare you, or the often-feared (and often baseless) lengthy wait for a domestic newborn turns you off, or traveling to Russia multiple times doesn't work for your work schedule. Don't worry if this is you; if adoption is right for you, one day you'll stumble across a seminar about adopting from Vietnam, and everything will click. Suddenly, everything in your life makes sense; it's like you've just put on a pair of glasses that bring everything into focus. Sometimes it takes even longer, and the fear and anxiety left over from years of infertility or trying to decide whether parenthood is right for you stay with you even as you pursue an adoption plan. That's okay too. For some people it takes a couple of days, weeks or even months before they realize that this is what is right for them, and then they experience the rush of rightness repeatedly (like every time your baby wakes up). I was a tough case at first, and I have to admit that more than once in the middle of the night I've started sobbing uncontrollably, holding my little boy and thanking the All- That-Is for helping me find him. It's in this moment that I realize I didn't choose adoption; it chose me.

Whichever of these paths finds you, when you decide to adopt, you experience a paradigm shift-the way you look at the world changes, and suddenly you feel more at home than you ever have before. You realize that this is what the Universe (God, Allah, the powers that be) always intended for you. There will come a day when you realize that while adoption may have been your second choice for family building, it is not-by any means-the second-best choice. It is in fact the right choice.

Although I now realize that adoption is my path and I've never been happier in my life, I first had to endure seven years of trying to conceive, six cycles of in vitro fertilization, seven miscarriages, and the donation of over $100,000 of our hard-earned money (and that of my insurance carrier) to the bank accounts of our infertility clinic. And I will admit that when we first started the process of adopting our son, I was also still trying to get pregnant (there's a confession if ever there was one!).

Our son, David, is now three and half years old, and the way he came to us has served to become a symbol to me of the destiny inherent in adoption. There were endless twists and turns in our adoption process, and because of the obstacles we faced in his adoption and the fact that he ultimately came home almost six months after his birth, there is no doubt in my mind or heart that David was always meant to be my son. He reminds me every day that our children pick us from someplace in the universe and that even if-or because-we can't or won't have biological children, they find a way to come home to us. It doesn't matter if we look the same, have the same religion, or speak the same language; our children find their way home to us. It is destiny. I know one day you will look in your child's eyes, and this knowledge will engulf and overwhelm you with a warmth and serenity that words cannot do justice.

I have learned so much from our process in adopting David and through my other adoption experiences since, and while working as an adoption advocate. I am motivated to write this book because I so wish that I had had an adoption-savvy friend guiding me through my adoption process, holding my hand, and helping me sort through emotionally and financially challenging issues without losing my sense of humor. I wish someone had told me before I started planning David's adoption everything that I know now.

In fact, it was as a result of my work as an adoption advocate for RESOLVE and as president of the Gladney Center for Adoption's New York Tri-State Family Association (the GFA), which provides support to several hundred pre- and post-adoptive families in the region, that I became dedicated to shedding light on the process of becoming an adoptive parent-demystifying and exposing the nittygritty truths as they are discussed by and among adoptive parents. All the "if I had only known" and the "what does this mean" conversations I've had with other adoptive parents are shared with you in this book. All the beautiful moments and experiences that I have been privileged to share with people as they become parents are shared with you in this book.

I was so moved by my experiences working with and supporting adoptive parents that not only did I seek out the opportunity to write this book (a labor of love if ever there was one) but I transitioned my career from one devoted to meaningless (to me) commercial litigation to practicing reproductive and adoption law. My understanding of adoption laws and the myriad legal issues that can be faced in domestic and international adoption gives me a unique perspective. I am not only able to help you understand the nuts and bolts of planning your adoption but I can also help you figure out when and how a particular law pertaining to consent or relinquishment of parental rights might be relevant for you, and help you understand what that law means in practical terms.

But most of all, I wrote this book because I want you to know in your heart and soul that your baby was always meant to be yours. I want you to be educated enough to know how to find the right birth mother. I want you to be aware of what is legal and possible in international adoptions and to choose a program that works for your family, not to select the popular program or agency that everyone else is using (or the only one that you think will accept you when there might have been others available) and wind up dissatisfied, frustrated and still waiting for your baby.

I want everyone to have the practical tips I have learned for traveling to get and bring home a baby or toddler (whether it's a two-hour or two-week journey home). I hope everyone at least thinks about the possibility of breast-feeding (and I know most of you still don't believe it's possible despite my assurances to the contrary), having a baby shower, planning a nursery, or hiring a doula (even if only for your hotel stay). And I want everyone to be prepared for the all-toocommon depression that often follows adoption. No one talked openly to me (and I am an educated consumer and parent) about these things, and they're so important! I hope this book will help to educate and empower you, to help you find the resources you need when you need them so that you too will one day sit, rocking your child in your arms, and feel the power and love of adoption and know in your soul that this was meant to be.

Copyright © 2006 by Elizabeth Swire Falker

About the Author

www.storklawyer.com
Is a graduate of Wellesley Collage and the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law. She maintains a private law and consulting practice in the area of infertility, reproductive, and adoption law (www.StorkLawyer.com). She is a professional member of RESOLVE, the AFA, and the prestigious American Society of Reproductive Medicine. She lives in Westchester County, New York, with her husband and their two children.