Choosing Adoption: Or did it choose you?

The Ultimate Insider's Guide to Adoption: Everything You Need to Know About Domestic and International Adoption
by Elizabeth Swire Falker, Esq., P.C.

So you've made the decision to adopt. What's next? For starters, how do you know whether domestic or international adoption is right for you? (And what are the real differences between the two?) Now, adoption insider Elizabeth Swire Falker answers these questions, and many more. As an attorney who practices in the area of adoption and has worked with hundreds of families, and as an adoptive parent herself who has been through the trenches, she offers expert advice on each stage of the process. This comprehensive, accessible guide leads you with confidence through every decision you'll have to make-including the ones that you'd never know to expect. Complete with checklists, tips, sidebars, and plenty of counterintuitive advice, it shows you how to:

• Identify which adoption experts you do and don't need
• Find the right birth mother or choose the right country for your family-and how to spot red flags in potential situations
• Select an attorney or agency and prepare for your home visit
• Finance an adoption on a budget, manage the red tape, and get around the roadblocks
• Navigate all of the complex emotions that surface along the way.

With Elizabeth Swire Falker's warm yet been-there-done-that voice, The Ultimate Insider's Guide To Adoption is sure to become a tried-and-true resource for adoptive parents everywhere.

So you're thinking about adopting? Wow! Congratulations, that's fabulous! Let me tell you, with very few exceptions, the adoptive parents I've had the privilege of meeting (and I've met many) are-in my opinion-enlightened, or at the very least, more evolved than the average parent. I know, because I've been there and faced the tough questions about how, when and why I was going to become a parent. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on assisted reproductive technologies, I endured multiple miscarriages, and it was only when I came face to face with the thought of losing my husband on September 11 that I really looked at the reality of my life and the depth of my despair (not to mention impending fi- nancial ruin) and was able to open my eyes to the beauty of adoption. I guess you could say I was a tough case at first. But let me tell you, while adoption wasn't my first choice in family building (infertility treatment came first), it was my best choice. And as you will read in a moment, adoption wasn't exactly the easiest experience for me. But now, as an adoptive parent, I can tell you that I've never been happier in my life. And it's what I went through to get here that makes me tell you this now-you'll never ever regret the decision to adopt. You'll only wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

I am proud of you for thinking outside the traditional familybuilding box, whatever may have brought you here (infertility, age, sexual orientation or some combination thereof ). There are more babies and children in this country, let alone in the world, in need of a loving home than there are adoptive families. It is especially diffi- cult to be considering adoption if you're going through or have gone through infertility treatment (been there, done that!). Considering other options for creating the life you've always dreamed of while letting go of fantasies about how you'd get that life isn't easy stuff. And you're facing those issues head-on if you're reading this book. You're taking charge, making a plan, and becoming a good consumer (and let's face it, you're probably going to spend a lot of money during this process, so you need to be a savvy consumer) as you work toward your dream of being a parent to one of those babies or children who need a home. So you, dear reader, are enlightened!

This book will tell you everything you'll ever need to know about becoming an adoptive parent. From talking about the types of adoption, coping with your home study, and filling out paperwork for your agency and/or U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS)1 to managing the what may feel like a way-too-long wait for your beautiful family to be created, this book will help you navigate your journey and provide support and reassurance while you wait. There is a lot to learn and a lot you need to know in order to speed your journey toward parenthood, and it's hard to find the straight poop on adoption so that you can become an expert at cleaning poop off a beloved little tushie.

This book will give you the facts without telling you how you should adopt. Have you encountered them yet?-those exceedingly nice people who seem to think the only way to adopt is to go through a domestic open adoption in which you see the birth family every weekend? Or the people who think you're selling out if you don't schlep halfway around the world to save a child? Well, if you haven't met them yet, don't worry-you will! When I was struggling to become a parent, there were so many people telling me what to do and how to do it. I felt inundated with well-intentioned but completely inappropriate advice-at least it was inappropriate for me and my husband. As a result of all the "should-upon do-gooders" you'll encounter along the way, I made a decision that there will be no judgments made in these pages, no right or wrong way to adopt; just the information you need to become a parent and stay sane while you do so. Single parents, gay parents, infertile parents, notexactly- thirtysomething-anymore parents: all are welcome in these pages. Take the information you read here, apply it to your situation, and adapt it to your life and needs.

There is also no right way to read this book. Please feel free to read this book in consecutive page order or to skip around. I've laid it out as best I can-chronological order in the adoption process based on the type of adoption you're pursuing-but if you're still choosing between domestic and international adoption, you might want to read more carefully the chapters that demystify these types of adoption and assess the pros and cons of each.

The first part of the book focuses on issues that all adoptive parents must consider, from deciding where and how you'll adopt to financing your adoption and surviving your home study. The second part of the book focuses on domestic adoption and will cover the essential aspects of adopting from the good ol' U.S. of A. We will discuss (among other things) the pros and cons of using an agency or an attorney, what you need to think about before you begin searching for a birth family, how best to market yourself, what to do and pack when you travel to get your baby, and how to cope when you get home. The third part of the book focuses on international adoption. In Part 3 we'll talk about how to choose a country, how to find the right adoption professional to assist you, how to complete your USCIS paperwork and dossier, what to pack and what not to pack when traveling halfway around the world to get your baby, how to survive in a hotel and on the airplane home with your new little one, and how to cope once you're home.

Once you pick the type of adoption that is right for your life situation, you'll undoubtedly read every word I've written in the relevant section of the book and thus garner all the wisdom and cumulative experience I've gained from speaking with and supporting (through their adoption process) dozens upon dozens of adoptive families. We will make you an adoption pro before you even become an adoptive parent! Then, as your adoption process moves forward, you'll reread each and every word at least three times because you can't wait to make it happen!

It may have been a long haul to get here, and there's a lot still to accomplish before you actually hold your child in your arms. I want you to be excited as you read this book. Most of us-except for the unusually enlightened people who choose adoption without trying to conceive a biological child, known among adoption advocates as preferential adopters-come to adoption after an arduous journey through infertility. Once you decide to adopt, you're "expecting" just like all those people who do it the old-fashioned way, and even if no one else knows what's about to happen, you do, and you should be thrilled! There will be hard days, no doubt, but this is it: you're about to become a parent!

Copyright © 2006 by Elizabeth Swire Falker

About the Author

www.storklawyer.com
Is a graduate of Wellesley Collage and the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law. She maintains a private law and consulting practice in the area of infertility, reproductive, and adoption law (www.StorkLawyer.com). She is a professional member of RESOLVE, the AFA, and the prestigious American Society of Reproductive Medicine. She lives in Westchester County, New York, with her husband and their two children.