Adventures in Parenting : 11 - 14 Years: Monitoring and Monitoring

by National Institute of Health

(Page 11 of 12)

While Christopher may keep pushing her away, Janice needs to let him know she cares about him. She can't make him talk to her; she can't force him to be her friend. But she can show Christopher that she loves him, she is interested in him, and she isn't going away no matter how mean he is to her. By not forcing the issue, she also shows him that she respects his privacy.

Janice should also seek out new and different ways to spend time with Christopher. Being involved in the same project or going somewhere "cool" together is a more natural way to reconnect and redefine their roles with one another. It also allows their relationship to accommodate the new, young-adult Christopher and his interests as things continue to change.

Janice needs to let Christopher know what is acceptable and what is not, when it comes to how he treats her and his younger sister. Janice should make it clear that he must treat her with respect and speak to her and his sister without raising his voice. Christopher may try to isolate himself even more as he gets older, so this issue is worth the struggle because it sets a minimum level of contact for family and son at this stage of their lives. Janice accepts that Christopher doesn't want to share his life with her, but she will not accept him being disrespectful to her or her daughter.

Of greater concern is Christopher's level of anger and how he deals with it. His yelling and fighting is a new thing that may be a sign of trouble. Anger is a tough emotion for many kids to handle because our culture frowns on expressing anger. Most of the contact kids and adults have with anger is seeing it expressed in its most extreme form: violence. Sadly, violence is the only way that many people know to deal with their anger.

Janice may want to enlist some outside help to teach Christopher how to deal with his anger in a more positive way. Many community centers, health care professionals, school counselors, and teen groups teach classes on how to manage anger. They show people how to control anger and how to express it without hurting themselves or others. Another option for Janice is to get Christopher involved in a healthy outlet for his anger. Running, boxing, writing in a journal, playing the drums, even crying are ways to channel anger so it's more constructive than destructive. Having an outlet for anger and other emotions keeps them from building up inside, which also prevents them from bursting out in harmful or violent ways.

Monitoring your child's contact with his or her surroundings

Sam, Esther, and Rachel (Age 13)

What's the Story? Rachel has been living with her grandparents, Sam and Esther, since she was a baby. Until recently, Sam and Esther agreed on the values and behaviors that they wanted to teach their granddaughter. But now that Rachel is a teenager, they don't agree on issues that involve her.

Sam Says: I know that I agreed to let Rachel wear makeup, but I'm still not comfortable with the idea. She looks like a 30-year-old, not a 13-year-old. Plus, isn't makeup just the beginning? Next thing you know, she'll want to go places with her friends without chaperones. Then what?

Esther Says: If we tell her she can't dress the way she wants or wear makeup when she wants, she'll just start doing it anyway and lying to us about it. She asked me if she could start wearing makeup to school. I discussed it with Sam and he agreed, so Rachel and I went out and bought what she wanted together. Then I showed her how to apply the makeup without putting on too much. Wearing makeup is just the beginning of Rachel's process of becoming who she wants to be. But I want to make sure that Sam and I are a part of that process from the beginning.

What's the Point? Grandma Cosmetics It's only natural for Sam to try to protect his granddaughter, but being strict with her may have the opposite effect. If Rachel feels that her grandparents aren't willing to listen to her needs and wants, she may decide not to get their input at all. Cutting off communication with her grandparents leaves Rachel at greater risk for getting hurt, having problems, and feeling pressured.

By going with Rachel to buy makeup and showing her how to apply it, Esther and Sam are providing guidance without being rigid. While wearing makeup may seem like a small issue, Esther and Sam are setting a solid example for making choices as Rachel gets older. Not only are they aware of what Rachel is doing, but they are also keeping the lines of communication open. The manner in which they handle this situation will let Rachel know whether her grandparents support her growing up. With that knowledge, Rachel is more likely to talk to her grandparents about other important issues, like boys and dating, which can help prevent future problems.

Esther and Sam decided together that Rachel's wearing makeup wasn't an issue worth fighting over. If Sam has doubts about that decision, he needs to discuss them with Esther so they can find a compromise that is agreeable to both of them. If Sam's doubts are not about Rachel wearing makeup, but stem from his worries about other things, like going out with friends, dating or curfews, then he and Esther need to talk about those issues while letting their initial decision about makeup stand.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.