Adventures in Parenting : 11 - 14 Years

by National Institute of Health

(Page 10 of 12)

Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

Nancy, Akira, and Koji (Age 11)

What's the Story? Koji is an active, bright, 11-year-old boy. He plays soccer in the area league, likes computer games, and sleeps over at his friends' houses. He also "hates" anything related to school, especially homework, and goes out of his way to avoid all things linked to school. His parents, Nancy and Akira, know that Koji is avoiding his homework and often punish him to try to change his attitude and behavior. The result is a daily battle.

Nancy Says: We've tried everything. We tell him, "Do your homework or no TV." Or, "Do your homework or you can't go to your friend's house." We've sent him to his room, taken away his games, even sent him to tutors. Nothing works.

Akira Says: He just doesn't understand the importance of good study habits. If he develops good study habits now, while he's young, he'll have an easier time in the older grades. I don't know why he doesn't see that. He doesn't have any discipline.

What's the Point? Koji might not be able to see his parents' point-of-view because they haven't told him why they want him to do his homework. To them, the reasons are clear: they want Koji to build good study habits now so that he will do well in high school. Even more than that, they want to instill a sense of discipline in Koji, so that he learns how to start and finish things. For Nancy and Akira, these ideas don't need to be explained.

For Koji, discipline and study habits are just words his parents use when they talk about school. But he probably doesn't really know what these words mean. His parents need to explain these things in a way that makes them more concrete or real for Koji. Also, because he's only 11, Koji doesn't think in terms of his future. He can't see how the things he does now affect the things he'll do when he's 20. (In fact, he thinks 20 is old!) Koji can't yet see himself in the future, beyond the idea that his body will get bigger. His parents need to help him to envision his possible future selves so that he recognizes the link between present action and future consequence.

Another thing Koji's parents should think about is his "history" with school. Has Koji always disliked school or is this a recent change in his attitude? How are his grades now as compared to his grades in the past? How are his friends doing in school? Has there been a change in their attitudes as well? Koji could be slightly more advanced than some of his classmates; if that's the case, he might be bored. Or the opposite may be true; Koji may be frustrated because he doesn't understand what he's trying to learn, so maybe he's just giving up. If Koji's friends are showing some of the same changes in behavior and attitude, maybe the friends are influencing each other into not liking school. Nancy and Akira should talk to Koji's teachers and to his friends' parents to try to figure out when his change in attitude started and what was happening around him at that time.

Nancy and Akira may also want to build family "homework time" into their nightly routine. By setting aside time for Koji to do homework, while one or both of his parents are in the room reading or doing some other type of work, Nancy and Akira can help Koji turn an idea like discipline into an action.

It's much easier for children to know what you're doing if they know why you're doing it. Explaining your reasons for doing or not doing things gets across your values more effectively by showing those values in action. If you support your actions with reasons, you also give your child his or her best example of how to make an informed choice. This practice also brings more order into your child's world, by showing a starting point (your value/reason) and an end point (your action/choice) for an event.

Preventing risky behaviors or problems before they arise

Janice and Christopher (Age 14)

What's the Story? Lately, Christopher has been spending a lot of time in his bedroom with the door closed. When Janice knocks on his door, he rarely answers her; when she enters the room, he is lying on his bed listening to his radio with his headphones on. "Can't you KNOCK?" he yells. When Janice asks him what he's listening to, he says "Nothing." Christopher has gotten four after-school detentions in the last month, mostly for getting into fights and arguments. Janice knows that Christopher shouts at her and at his younger sister more often than he used to, but she's not sure why he's so angry or how to help him.

Janice Says: He's always kept to himself, but I've never seen him like this. The littlest thing can make him explode. It doesn't make sense. His grades are fine; he does his chores; he dresses the same. He's just so angry. What if he hits someone? What if his yelling changes into punching? What can I do? I'm really worried about him.

Christopher Says: I wish she would lay off! She's always asking stupid questions, like "What are you listening to?" or "What's wrong with you?" She probably thinks I'm doing drugs or that I worship the devil or something. Nothing is wrong with me. I just want to be left alone.

What's the Point? Christopher may be trying to keep his mother out of his life, or he might just want time by himself to think. In his mind, there's no point in answering her questions because she couldn't possibly know what he is going through, thinking, or feeling. Many kids Christopher's age feel this way and go to extremes to prevent their parents from knowing anything about them. After a while, many parents stop trying to know their kids because their feelings get so hurt when their kids reject them. Sadly, both the parents and the kids end up feeling very alone.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.