Adventures in Parenting : 4 - 10 Years: Mentoring and Modeling

by National Institute of Health

(Page 9 of 12)

Mentoring your child to support and encourage desired behaviors

Irit and Ari (Age 9)

What's the Story? Ari is a very outgoing boy, who joins many clubs and groups at once. At school, he signs up for scouting troops, sports teams, music lessons; anything that he hasn't tried is interesting to him. As a result, Ari leaves a lot of things unfinished, dropping out of one thing to pursue another. Although Irit encourages her son to try new things, she is worried about him trying too many things at once.

Irit Says: He doesn't stay focused on any one thing long enough to know if he likes it. He may be a gifted artist, or a graceful athlete, or a natural leader. But he never stays with one thing long enough to really learn it and grow in it. I'm glad he has so many interests, but he doesn't seem to know when to stop.

What's the Point? As his mentor, Irit should be honest with Ari about her concerns. She is proud of all the things Ari does, but she thinks he should try to expand one or two of those interests. Irit may want to set some rules to limit the number of clubs and sports Ari can do over a given time. Ari can decide for himself which thing (or things) he wants to pursue. Irit may want to get involved in some of these things as well, by being a scout leader or bringing snacks to games and practices.

Ari also needs to learn that finishing things is just as important as trying new things. Here, again, Irit can set up some rules for Ari. For instance, Irit could limit the lessons or hobbies that cost money. If Ari chooses to take a dance class that costs money and lasts for six weeks, then he has to attend all six weeks of the dance class, even if he loses interest after the first week. Or, she may limit him to only one activity that carries a cost for a certain time. Because most hobbies carry some cost, Ari can't do as many things at once. He then has to focus on only a few things at a time.

It's also essential that Irit explain her actions to Ari. If she limits his hobbies without telling him why, Ari may think that his mother doesn't want him to do anything or have any fun. Showing support is one of the main jobs of a mentor. By explaining her decision, Irit can show her support while keeping things under control. She should also make it clear to Ari that he doesn't have to be an expert at everything. Irit can give examples of things she started but eventually stopped because she either lost interest in them, or they weren't as rewarding as other activities. Ari needs to know that it's acceptable to do things because you want to, even if you aren't the best at them.

Modeling your own behavior to provide a consistent, positive example for your child

Andy, Kristi, Pat, and Jason (Age 7)

What's the Story? Kristi and Andy split up nearly five years ago, when their son Jason was two. Andy has remarried, and Kristi and Jason have been living with Pat for the last three years. Andy tries to be very active in his son's life, which is a source of conflict for Kristi. She can't let go of her anger toward Andy and makes sour comments about him in front of Jason. When Andy comes to pick up his son, Kristi usually starts an argument with him, about child support or the timing of visits. Pat tries to buffer Kristi's anger, but feels that her attitude is bad for all of them, especially Jason.

Pat Says: I'm not saying that she should forgive and forget her time with Andy. But at the very least she should curb her anger when Jason's around. The poor kid is stuck in the middle. Jason loves his mom and his dad; he should love both his parents. I try to stay out of it most of the time, because it's an issue that is best kept between Kristi and Andy, but her attitude fills our home with such negativity that I sometimes have to change the subject for Jason's sake. And for my own sake.

Kristi Says: No one really knows what Andy is like, except me. He's the one who left me with a toddler and no means of support, without a second thought. Pat has no idea what I went through. I'm just getting Jason ready for the hurt and disappointment that his father is sure to bring. It's only a matter of time before he leaves Jason, too. Pat just doesn't know.

Andy Says: Kristi is out-of-control. I thought she had finally moved on when she moved in with Pat, but I guess not. You can see how upset Jason gets when she starts saying those things; it's written all over his face. I can tell it makes Pat uncomfortable, too. I've tried to make it clear that arguing in front of Jason is not acceptable to me. But Kristi never stops. Even though I try to explain to Jason that his mom and my arguments aren't his fault, I know he's hurt by the whole situation.

What's the Point? It's hard for any child to hear awful things about his or her parent day after day; it's even worse when the other parent is the one saying those awful things. Jason is left having to choose between his mother and his father. It's an awful position for a child to be placed in.

Despite her claims that she is trying to prepare Jason for disappointment, Kristi's actions are more hurtful to him than helpful. It makes sense that she wants to protect Jason, but her actions focus on protecting herself. She needs to see that things are no longer about her and Andy, but that Jason is what's most important. Jason needs to be allowed to develop his own relationship with each parent, one that doesn't involve the other. He will make his own decisions about his father and mother and how active he wants them to be in his life as he gets older. Kristi's actions may force Jason to limit his time with her later in his life.

Andy's point about not arguing in front of Jason is also important. Again, the issue is between Kristi and Andy; Jason should not be involved, even as a bystander. It's painful and confusing for children to hear their parents argue. They often blame themselves for their parents' words and actions, thinking that if they behaved better or did better in school, then their parents would get along. Both Andy and Kristi need to reassure Jason that their fighting is not his fault. If Kristi is unable or unwilling to help Andy convey this to Jason, maybe Andy can enlist Pat's help. Regardless of who reinforces the idea, it's vital for Jason to know that his parents have problems with each other, not with him.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.