Adventures in Parenting : 4 - 10 Years: Responding, Preventing and Monitoring

by National Institute of Health

(Page 8 of 12)

Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

Raj and Amira (Age 8)

What's the Story? When Raj decided to be a stay-at-home dad, his daughter was three. He set up a routine for their days, so that Amira would always know what was going to happen and what was expected of her. When she started kindergarten, Raj changed the routine to fit in the school- related activities, such as doing homework and reading together. Now that Amira's eight, she's more interested in doing things with her schoolmates and neighbors, such as playing at her friends' houses or getting involved in a community sports team. But Raj will not let her take part in these activities because he wants to keep her on the same schedule.When Raj says "No" to Amira, she is disappointed and withdraws from him.

Raj Says: Amira has to get back on our schedule. It's worked so well all this time. She has been up until 8:30 p.m. every night this week. Once we get back on track, things will be better.

What's the Point? Raj is right about the need for solid routines and schedules, but he forgot about the need to be flexible. Younger children do very well with a steady schedule; it allows them to become relaxed in their worlds and learn what their worlds expect from them.

But, schedules also need to adapt to normal changes that occur as kids get older. Amira is just starting to build friendships, a key feature in normal social growth. By now, her regular bedtime should probably be 8:00 p.m., or 8:30 p.m., depending on how much sleep she needs. Supper_with_dadAs Amira matures, she'll need to balance school, home, health, and her friends. Raj can help her create and maintain that balance, if he shows her what it means to be flexible.

When he started the schedule, Raj had Amira's best interests in mind. With some minor changes, Raj's schedule can co-exist with Amira's growth in a way that suits them both.

Preventing risky behaviors or problems before they arise

What's the Story? Andre arranged his work schedule so that he can spend all day Saturday with his son, Calvin, every week. After lunch on their Saturdays together, Andre and Calvin spend time cleaning up Calvin's room. "What's our goal?" Andre asks Calvin. "No toys on the floor." Calvin answers.

Andre lets Calvin play while they clean, but within certain limits so that Calvin keeps their goal in sight. Andre uses an egg timer to let Calvin know when it's playtime and when it's time to clean up. He sets it for short intervals, like 10 or 15 minutes, so that Calvin can play a little and then clean up a little. Calvin knows that when he hears the bell, he has to pick up at least three toys and put them away. Andre sets and re-sets the timer in front of Calvin and leaves it in a place where they can both see it (and hear it). By the end of the afternoon, all of Calvin's toys are picked up off the floor.

Andre Says: Calvin needs to learn about goals and limits so he understands moderation. I use the timer because he can see, hear, and touch it. Even though I'm the one setting the time limit, the timer "enforces" it. This keeps him from getting upset with me.

What's the Point? Setting goals and limits for your child is one way he or she can learn about boundaries. A child Calvin's age has an easier time learning about a goal when it's something he or she can see, so it's clear when the job is finished. Andre's choice of limit (playing versus cleaning) is also realistic; Calvin is capable of picking up all the toys from the floor. Cleaningbedroom_messThe timer offers a constant before-and-after way for Calvin to know when he's reached the limit. Before the bell goes off, this will happen; after the bell rings, that will happen. The child learns that after the bell, after mom counts to three, or after dad counts to 10, something happens. If the child reaches the goal, then praise and kindness follow; if not, some type of outcome for going beyond the limit follows, be it a scolding, a punishment, or another response appropriate to the situation.

Using the timer is a good idea, especially when dealing with a child as young as Calvin. It is a dependable way for Andre to enforce the limits. Because Andre uses similar times, like 10 minutes or five minutes, Calvin gets used to the practice. And, the bell always rings, which provides more order for Calvin.

Monitoring your child's contact with his or her surroundings

What's the Story? Keisha, who is 20, has been taking care of her brother Tyrell since their mother died last year. She lets Tyrell watch TV while she gets dinner ready; after dinner, the TV goes off. Keisha usually heads to the kitchen to start dinner after she watches the first few minutes of a show with Tyrell. Lately, though, she's noticed a change in the kind of shows Tyrell watches. Instead of his regular programs, Tyrell now watches a show that Keisha hasn't seen before. One evening, she asks Tyrell how he knows about the show. He explains that he heard about it at school.

Keisha Says: Keisha_updated I didn't see very much of it at first, but it didn't seem like the kind of show a seven-year-old would watch. It wasn't a cartoon; it didn't have any puppets or animals. So, I asked him not to watch it until I had a chance to see the whole show. I told him he could either watch one of the shows I had already seen, or he could turn the TV off and play. He went off to play by himself. It's a good thing, too, because the next day I watched that show - I couldn't believe it! Almost every line had something about fighting and getting even. There was a lot of talk about sex, too. I know Tyrell will be exposed to violence in the real world, but I don't want him to start acting like the characters on that show. I don't want him to be ignorant about sex, either, but I want to be the one to teach him about it. He is simply not allowed to watch that show.

What's the Point? Keisha handled this case like a seasoned monitor. First, she watched the first few minutes of TV with Tyrell, to see what he was watching. She also paid attention to the kind of shows that Tyrell usually watched, which made it easier for her to notice a change. After she saw the change, she asked Tyrell how he heard about the new show. And, she watched the show, to make sure that it was okay for Tyrell to watch.

As it turned out, the show wasn't something she wanted Tyrell to see, so he is no longer allowed to watch it.

To really make her point clear, Keisha might want to talk to Tyrell about why she doesn't want him to watch the show. It may not seem important for Keisha to explain her reasons now because Tyrell is so young, but it's a good habit for her to get into for when he gets older. It may also help Tyrell to make better choices about the shows he watches in the future.

Finding some viewing alternatives for Tyrell would also help Keisha make her point. Keisha can rent videotaped movies for Tyrell with messages that she feels are positive. Many of the programs on public television stations are also smart choices, although many are aimed at kids a little younger than Tyrell.

Giving him the option of not watching TV at all is also effective. Oftentimes, kids aren't really interested in watching TV, but they can't think of anything else to do. Simply telling them to turn off the TV and do something else can be a source for arguments. Offering a choice between watching TV and doing something your child usually enjoys allows your child to make his or her own decision. In many cases, your child will opt for playing or coloring. Your child will appreciate your suggestion and your support of his or her ability to make decisions.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.