Adventures in Parenting : 0 -3 Years: Responding to Your Child, Risky Behaviors

by National Institute of Health

(Page 6 of 12)

Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

Caroline and Abby (Age 1 ½)

What's the Story? Abby spends the day at a day care center while Caroline is at work; Caroline drops her off at 7:30 a.m. and returns for her at 5:30 p.m. When they get home in the evening, Caroline gets dinner ready while Abby sits in her high chair. Caroline keeps the chair turned so that Abby is facing her while she cooks, so that they can watch, smile at, and talk to each other.

It takes Caroline a little longer to make dinner because she often stops to play peek-a-boo or bends down to talk to Abby at her eye-level. They have their own conversations, in which Abby "talks" and Caroline "answers." If Abby is cranky or upset, Caroline uses this time to calm her down and figure out why she's being fussy. Caroline has found many ways to keep Abby calm as a result of this dinnertime contact, that are also helpful when the two are out of the house running errands.

Caroline Says: That time with Abby, while I'm cooking, is really important to me. I can connect with her, get to know her better. I look forward to it, even after a full day at work. It has helped me to learn what she likes and what she doesn't.

What's the Point? Caroline is right about the importance of her dinnertime contact with Abby. Research shows that children need to spend positive, engaging, playful time with their parents each day.1 This "special" time allows parents to bond with children, to learn what makes them smile or laugh, what kinds of noises they respond to, how they respond, and what feelings their toddlers' "words" convey. Early and consistent communication between parent and child is essential to forming attachments, as well as to building better emotional, intellectual, and social development. Setting aside this kind of time every day also lets kids learn about their parents. They can tune in to facial expressions, body language, and tone-of-voice to know their caretakers better.

In a perfect world, you could spend all day, every day with your child, never missing a meal or a moment of togetherness. In the real world, however, this is often not the case. Regardless of how you manage it, you should try to make time for this kind of interaction with your child every day. The specifics of where, how, or when you spend time with your child aren't as important as the actual time you spend with your child.

If your child won't sit in a highchair for very long, put some toys on the floor and let your child play there while you're in the kitchen. If you're driving here and there, talk to your child as you drive, pointing out things you see or singing songs. If you see your child in the mornings, get into a routine for getting dressed together so that you can interact with him or her. You can also include the other people in your family in this time together, so that your child becomes more comfortable in the family setting. The important part is getting to know your child and letting your child get to know you.

Preventing risky behaviors or problems before they arise

Molly, Ron, and Stefanie (Age 4 weeks)

What's the Story? Stefanie is Molly and Ron's first child. Before Stefanie was born, the couple planned for Molly to take three months of parental leave from her job after the baby was born. Now, only a few weeks after Stefanie's birth, Molly is having problems caring for the baby.

Ron Says: depressed_mom Molly just doesn't seem to want to be with Stefanie. There are times when I walk in the door and hear Stef wailing because she's hungry or needs to be changed; then I find that Molly is sitting in the next room crying, too. Sometimes she forgets to feed Stef - how can you forget to feed a baby? I'm worried that Stefanie isn't getting get the attention she needs during the day. I mean, sometimes Molly doesn't even get dressed during the day. I wish I knew how to make things better for all of us.

Molly Says: I know that a lot of women do the mom thing every day, but I'm just not as good at it as they are. Sometimes, it's like nothing I do is enough for her. I try holding her, rocking her, feeding her, playing with her, but she still cries. I can't do anything right.

What's the Point? While it's true that millions of women "do the mom thing" every day, none of them would say it's easy. Being a mother takes a lot of getting used to; in fact, being a parent takes a lot of getting used to.

But it sounds like Molly is going through more than getting used to being a new mom. For nearly 10 percent of women who are pregnant or give birth, the weight of being a new mom is doubled by post-partum depression, an illness that results from hormonal changes related to pregnancy and giving birth.15 Women with post-partum depression need more help than their spouses or partners can give, more than they can give themselves, actually. For many women like Molly, professional treatment from a psychiatrist or other mental health professional is the best way to beat the so-called "baby blues."

If any parent, no matter what their gender is, finds it hard to relate with their child in a playful, positive way, then they should seek outside help immediately. Molly and Ron might want to talk to her obstetrician about how they are feeling and how things are going. The doctor may have some ideas that could help, like hiring a babysitter a few days each week, or having each parent take "alone time" during the week. The doctor might also refer them to a psychiatrist or another mental health professional so they can get help through counseling and medication.

Having a baby changes every part of parents' lives, including their relationship to each other. Many times, one or both parents have a hard time adjusting to all the changes. Parents should know that their emotional health has a big impact on their child's emotional health. Getting help right away is the best way to ensure the child's and the parents' well-being.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.