Adventures in Parenting : Be a Positive Example for Your Child

by National Institute of Health

(Page 5 of 12)

Respect your child's thoughts and opinions without judging them. Even if you don't agree with your child, make it clear that you want to know what his or her thoughts are, without the threat of punishment. If your child is afraid of being punished, he or she may stop sharing things entirely. Let different points-of-view co-exist for a while; they will allow your child to think more about an issue. Remember that there is an important difference between, "I disagree with you," and "You're wrong."

Support your child's interests and strengths, but don't force things. Kids spend their childhood trying to figure out who they are, how the world works, and how they fit into that world. Make sure your child has enough room to explore. If your child has no interest in an activity or topic, don't push. Your child will soon begin to dread the "forced activity" and will find ways to get out of doing it.

Introduce your child to things that you like to do. This is a useful way for your child to learn more about you. It's sometimes hard for kids to picture their parents doing things that other people do, like playing an instrument, volunteering at a nursing home, watching movies, playing a sport, or knowing about art. If your child sees you doing these things, you become more of a "regular person," rather than "just a parent."

To read more about how some parents fit mentoring into their daily parenting activities, turn to the section of the booklet that relates to your child's age. Or, read on to learn about modeling.

Mentoring gives kids the support they need to become the people they are meant to be. But what about you? Are you the person you want to be? Take some time to think about becoming a better model for your child.

Modeling your own behavior to provide a consistent, positive example for your child

When I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Has your child ever said this to you?

It's a bittersweet statement for a parent to hear. On the one hand, it's touching to have your child look up to you in this way; on the other, being a role model comes with great responsibility.

Role models come in all shapes and sizes; they do all kinds of jobs; they come from any country or city. Some children view athletes as their role models; other children look up to authors or scientists. And, believe it or not, many children see their parents as role models.

All too often, parenting behavior is guided by adults reacting to their own childhoods; that is, many parents think: I don't ever want to be like my parents; or it was good enough for me, so it's good enough for my kids. Remember that reacting instead of responding prevents you from making decisions that can change the outcome of a situation. To be a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent, it's best to focus on your children and their lives.

Does this mean that you have to be perfect so your child will grow up to be perfect, too? Of course not. No one is perfect. But, you do need to figure out what kind of example you are setting for your child.

You may want to be the kind of role model who does the following:

Do as you say and say as you do. Children want to act like their role models, not just talk like them. Children learn as much, if not more from your actions as they do from your words. Don't just tell your child to call home if he or she is going to be late; make sure that you call home when you know you're going to be late. Don't just tell your child not to shout at you; don't shout at your child or at others. This kind of consistency helps your child form reliable patterns of the relationship between attitudes and actions.

Show respect for other people, including your child. For many children, the word respect is hard to understand. It's not something they can touch or feel, but it's still a very important concept. To help your child learn about respect, you may want to point out when you are being respectful. For instance, when your child starts to pick out his or her own clothes, you can show respect for those choices. Tell your child, "That wouldn't have been my choice, but I respect your decision to wear that plaid shirt with those striped pants."

Be honest with your child about how you are feeling. Adults get confused about emotions all the time, so it's no surprise that children might get confused, too. For instance, you might have a short temper after a really stressful day at work, but your child might think you are angry with him or her. If you find yourself acting differently than you usually do, explain to your child that he or she isn't to blame for your change in "typical" behavior; your child can even help you by lightening your mood or altering your attitude. You can prevent a lot of hurt feelings and confusion by being honest with your child about your own emotions.

Make sure your child knows that being angry does not mean, "not loving." Disagreements and arguments are a normal part of most relationships. But many children can't separate love from anger; they assume that if you yell at them, then you don't love them anymore. Even if you think your child has a solid grasp of emotions, you may want to be specific about this point. Otherwise, you run the risk of having your child think he or she is not loved every time you have a disagreement. Most of all, be alert to changes in your child's emotions so you can "coach" your child through moments of anger or sadness without brushing-off the emotion or ignoring it.

Pinpoint things that you wouldn't want your child's role model to do, and make sure you aren't doing them. For instance, suppose your child views a sports player as his or her role model. If you found out that player used illegal drugs or was verbally or physically abusive to others, would you still want your child to look up to that person? Probably not. Now apply that same standard to your own actions. If you don't want your child to smoke, then you should not smoke. If you want your child to be on time for school, make sure you are on time for work and other meetings. If you don't want your child to use curse words, then don't use those words in front of your child. Reviewing your own conduct means being honest with yourself, about yourself. You may need to make some changes in how you act, but both you and your child will benefit in the end.

Now what should I do?

Now that you know about RPM3, it's time to put these ideas into action. Find the section that matches your child's age and read through it to see how parents like you have brought RPM3 into their lives. Take some time to think about the examples, answer the related questions, and make decisions about how RPM3 can fit into your style of parenting on a daily basis.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.