Adventures in Parenting : Encourage Desired Behaviors

by National Institute of Health

(Page 4 of 12)

Know the people your child spends time with. Because you can't be with your child all the time, you should know who is with your child when you're not. Friends have a big influence on your child, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much of the time, this influence is positive, but not always. With a little effort from you, your child might surround him or herself with friends whose values, interests, and behaviors will be "pluses" in your child's life. Your child also spends a lot of time with his or her teachers. Teachers play a vital role in your child's development and overall well-being, so get to know your child's teachers, too.

Give direction without being rigid. In some cases, not being allowed to do something only makes your child want to do it more. Is the answer just plain "no" or does it depend on the circumstances? "Yes, but only if..." is a useful option when making decisions.

To find out how some parents use monitoring in their daily parenting practices, turn to the section of this booklet that relates to your child's age. Or you can read on to learn about mentoring.

A special note to those of you with pre-teens or teenagers

Keep in mind that even if you're the most careful monitor, your child may have friends and interests that you don't understand or don't approve of. You may not like the music she listens to, or the clothes he wears, or the group she "hangs out" with. Some of these feelings are a regular part of the relationship between children and adults. Before you take away the music or forbid your child to see that friend, ask yourself this question:

Is this (person, music, TV show) a destructive influence?

In other words, is your child hurting anyone or being hurt by what he or she is doing, listening to, wearing, or who he or she is spending time with? If the answer is "no," you may want to think before you act, perhaps giving your child some leeway. It's likely that taking music away, not letting your child watch a certain show, or barring your child from spending time with a friend will create a conflict between you and your child. Make sure that the issue is important enough to insist upon. Think about whether your actions will help or hurt your relationship with your child, or whether your actions are necessary for your child to develop healthy attitudes and behaviors. You may decide that setting a volume limit for the radio is better than having a fight about your child's choice of music.

Being your child's mentor can keep your child from being hurt by encouraging him or her to act in reasonable ways. Now let's think about mentoring.

Mentoring your child to support and encourage desired behaviors

When you were growing up, did you have a special person your life who did things with you, gave you advice, or was a good listener? This person may have been a relative or friend of the family who was older than you. If so, then you had a mentor.

Since the early 1980s, formal mentoring programs that pair children with caring mentors have been highly successful. Mentoring, whether an informal relationship or a formal program, has a focused goal: guiding children through adolescence so they can become happy, healthy adults.

You may know that all children need mentors, but did you know that parents make great mentors?

What does it mean to be a mentor?

A mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship, and respect to a child.

Sounds great. But what does that mean?

Being a mentor is like being a coach of a sports team. A caring coach sees the strengths and weaknesses of each player and tries to build those strengths and lessen those weaknesses. In practice, coaches stand back and watch the action, giving advice on what the players should do next, but knowing that the players make their own game-time decisions. Coaches honestly point out things that can be done better and praise things that are done well. Coaches listen to their players and earn players' trust. They give their players a place to turn when things get tough.

Mentors do the same things: develop a child's strengths; share a child's interests; offer advice and support; give praise; listen; be a friend. Mentors help kids to reach their full potential, which includes mistakes and tears, as well as successes and smiles. Mentors know that small failures often precede major successes; knowing this fact, they encourage kids to keep trying because those successes are right around the corner.

What can I do to be a mentor?

There is no magic wand that turns people into caring mentors. Just spending time with your child helps you become a mentor. You can do ordinary things with your child, like going grocery shopping together; you can do special things with your child, like going to a museum or a concert together. The important part is that you do things together, which includes communicating with one another.

You may want to keep these things in mind as you think about being a mentor:

Be honest about your own strengths and weaknesses. If you know the answer to a question, say so; if you don't, say so. To build a trusting, but real, relationship with your child, you only have to be human. All humans make mistakes; you have, and your child will, too. Your child can benefit from hearing about your mistakes, including what you thought before you made them, how your thoughts changed after you made them, and how you changed your thoughts or behaviors to avoid them in the future. A child who thinks his or her parent is perfect builds expectations that parents can't possibly live up to.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.