Adventures in Parenting : Work Through the Problem

by National Institute of Health

(Page 3 of 12)

Because problems are quite different, how you solve them also differs. To solve tough problems, you may need more complex methods. Keep these things in mind when trying to solve a problem:

Know that you are not alone. Talk to other parents or a trusted friend or relative. Some of them might be dealing with or have dealt with similar things. They may have ideas on how to solve a problem in a way you haven't thought of. Or, they might share your feelings, which can also be a comfort.

Admit when a problem is bigger than you can handle alone or requires special expertise. No one expects you to solve every problem your family has by yourself. Some problems are just too big to handle alone, not because you're a "bad" parent, but simply because of the nature of the problem. Be realistic about what you can and can't do on your own.

Get outside help, if needed. There will be times when you just won't know how to help your child; other times, you truly won't be able to help your child. That's okay; someone else may know how to help. Use all the resources you have to solve a problem, including getting outside help when you need it. Remember that it's not important how a problem is solved, just that it is.

Where can I go for parenting help?

• Other Parents
• Family Members and Relatives
• Friends
• Pediatricians
• School Nurses and Counselors
• Social Workers and Agencies
• Psychologists and Psychiatrists
• Pastors, Priests, Rabbis and Ministers
• Community Groups
• Support and Self-Help Groups

If you'd like, turn to the section that matches your child's age to read more about how some parents have included preventing in their daily parenting routine. Or you can read on to learn about the M3 in RPM3.

The M3 in RPM3 describes three complex, but central principles of parenting: monitoring, mentoring, and modeling. Many people are confused by these words because they seem similar, but they are really very different. It might be easier to understand these ideas if you think of them this way:

Being a monitor means that you pay careful attention to your child and his or her surroundings, especially his or her groups of friends and peers and in getting used to school.

Being a mentor means that you actively help your child learn more about him or herself, how the world works, and his or her role in that world. As a mentor, you will also support your child as he or she learns.

Being a model means that you use your own words and actions as examples that show your beliefs, values, and attitudes in action for your child on a daily basis.

Now let's look at each one more closely. Monitoring your child seems straightforward, so let's start there.

Monitoring your child's contact with his or her surrounding world

Do you need to be a superhero with x-ray vision and eyes in the back of your head to be a careful monitor? Of course not. You don't need to be with your child every minute of every day, either. Being a careful monitor combines asking questions and paying attention, with making decisions, setting limits, and encouraging your child's positive choices when you aren't there.

When your child is young, monitoring seems easy because you are the one making most of the decisions. You decide who cares for your child; you decide what your child watches or listens to; you decide who your child plays with. If something or someone comes in contact with your child, you're usually one of the first to know.

Things may change as your child gets older, especially after school begins and into the pre-teen and teen years. As kids begin to learn about their own personalities, they sometimes clash with their parents' personalities. A parent's ability to actively monitor is often one of the first things to suffer from this clash.

Parents need to monitor their children's comings and goings through every age and stage of growth. Being an active monitor can be as simple as answering some basic questions:

• Who is your child with?
• What do you know about the person(s) your child is with?
• Where is your child?
• What is your child doing?
• When will your child be home/leaving?
• How is your child getting there/home?

You won't always have detailed answers to these questions, but it's important to know most of the answers, most of the time.

You may also want to keep these things in mind when being an active monitor:

Open the lines of communication when your child is young and keep those lines open. It seems obvious, but honest communication is crucial. When your child is young, talk openly about things you do when you aren't with your child; then ask your child what he or she does during those times. As your child gets older, keep up this type of communication. Both you and your child have to take part in open, two-way communication.

Tell your child what thoughts and ideals you value and why. For instance, if being respectful to adults is an ideal you want your child to have, tell him or her; even more importantly, tell him or her why you think it's important. Don't assume that your child knows your reasons for valuing one practice or way of behaving over another.

Know what your child is watching, reading, playing, or listening to. Because TV, movies, video games, the Internet, and music are such a large part of many of our lives, they can have a huge influence on kids. Be sure you know what your child's influences are. You can't help your child make positive choices if you don't know what web sites he or she visits or what he or she reads, listens to, watches, or plays.

About the Author

NIH is the nation's medical research agency - making important medical discoveries that improve health and save lives. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), a part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, is the primary Federal agency for conducting and supporting medical research.