Debora Myers

We interviewed couples from all over the United States to find what has helped them to maintain sexual excitement and intimacy in their relationships. We hope these tidbits can be helpful in sparking some ideas of your own!

"Marc and I were living together in our condominium complex and we couldn't believe the shenanigans that were going on. I mean, people were sleeping with each other's spouses and didn't even try to hide what was going on. Like they were proud of themselves or something. Our neighbors next to us fought all the time. We hated hearing the intimate details that were screamed at the top of their lungs. So we decided that we were going to do whatever possible to stay connected. First, we decided to have our airing time once a week come hell or high water. Saturday mornings worked out well for us. We would eat breakfast and share how we were feeling. Sometimes we didn't have much to say and that was ok too. We just enjoyed one another's company. When we had kids it was a little more difficult juggling our time and the kid's activities but we managed to maintain our time by going out to breakfast at least every other week. We made the effort to find a baby sitter that we liked and had a standing date every Thursday night to go do something fun. We have gone bowling, miniature golfing, to the movies, out to eat, contra dancing, night clubbing, ice-skating, and stargazing. You name it we've probably done it. Now the children look forward to their time with the sitter and Marc and I always have something to look forward to no matter how hard the week has been. We know there is a reprieve around the corner. I think that's why we have had such a good marriage of 24 year -Zelda K, New Mexico

"For one thing I think it has helped that this is a second marriage for both of us. Annie and I both had terrible first marriages. That gave us some insight. We both are highly sexual and it was important for us to maintain an active sex life. Once we got over being embarrassed we began sharing our fantasies. This is how we started doing it. It was Annie's idea. She had me build a fire in the fireplace then told me to lay back and close my eyes. Then she told me a story, a fantasy she had. I got so turned on that I decided to tell her one of mine a few days later. She surprised me with a reenactment of my fantasy. Now we take turns sharing fantasies and acting them out as best we can within accepted limits of course. Now we spend quite some time getting into it. As the years go by we have gotten pretty involved. A fun example is the trip to Italy she booked for us. I have a thing for Italian women. The accent and all is very exciting to me. So my wife arranged the surprise of my life. She suggested with a wink that I get cleaned up and wait out on the veranda. I knew she was up to something so I did as she asked. I sipped on a glass of red wine and was enjoying the sunset when I heard some music coming from the other room. Then the most gorgeous Italian woman came out on the veranda with more wine and appetizers galore. We sat and talked and drank wine together then she got up and started to dance. She danced for a few minutes and really had my curiosity peaked, when Annie came walking sexily in and rubbed my temples from behind me while I watched Liza dance. Annie started to seduce me and Liza disappeared. Annie and I made wonderful love that night. That's just one example of the fun types of activities we do to spice things up."-NM

"I love to cook and James loves to eat so we have these romantic dinners at least twice to three times a month. We have agreed to never bring up any of the everyday problems and annoyances during our nights together. He usually goes out and buys a fancy dessert and he buys the wine too. We always dress nicely and arrange for the kids to stay at my mothers. He likes to surprise me with new music and we cook together. Usually I do most of the cooking while he washes dishes and preps the veggies...Sometimes we rent a romantic movie and watch that together after our dining pleasure and we always end our date with a mad love making session. -Julia, Pennsylvania

"Manny and I made a pact years ago that if either one of us had a problem that we should be able to talk it out and if we couldn't reach an agreement that we would seek professional help from a marriage counselor before things got out of hand. We have only needed to seek help twice but I believe that it saved our marriage." -Denise, Palo Alto, CA

"Ooo, I'm glad you asked. Marv and I have been together for 8 years and there is never a dull moment. We both keep very busy and give one another space to do things outside of our marriage. I enjoy classical music and love to attend the symphony every chance I get. Marv hates it. I tried several times to make him come with me and he fidgeted in his seat like a 4 -year -old and ruined it for me. So right then we decided to give each other the freedom to do whatever and when we do come together to do the things we mutually enjoy it's much better. We also made an agreement at the beginning of our marriage to never laugh at our mate's request. Marv asked me to watch him while he masturbated to a really (in my opinion) badly done porno movie. I agreed just to please him but in the end I surprised myself and got terribly turned on and joined in with him. One time I asked him to dress in a suit and tie and knock at the door pretending to be a salesman. He didn't even own a suit and tie and made a sour face when I suggested it, but low and behold one Tuesday when I was home alone grading papers, there was a knock on the door and I peeked through the peephole. There was Marv dressed in a suit, dress shoes and everything smiling from ear to ear. I opened the door and let him in. He then pretended to be someone else and seduced me. We had a blast. Once I met him at a club and we played the same game, strangers meeting for the first time. It was silly but fun. We just love to play. Life would be terribly boring without him." -Cindy, Oregon

"My husband was not very romantic. I figured that out after being married to him for six months. He was attentive during the time we dated but after that its like the fizz went out of the champagne. I pleaded and begged for him to be more responsive and spontaneous about our love life but this just made him mad and defensive. What happened? Well, I hate to say it but I fell for another man that thought I was Venus herself. But he eventually decided that he was tired of sneaking around and stopped seeing me for an unmarried woman. I was devastated and had to come home to a cold bed. My husband found out the truth from a mutual friend and came to my rescue. He started to warm up and then we really started talking. He and I went to a therapist and learned how to communicate. Now we both have learned to listen and acknowledge one another's needs and we are very happy. Communication was all we needed!
-Laura, Michigan

About the Author

Debora Myers is editor and co-founder of