An Open Letter to Parents Who Abuse Their Children

by John D. Moore, MS, CADC

As a therapist, substance abuse counselor and most important, a human being, nothing is more painful than hearing the first hand accounts of extreme childhood physical abuse as told by adult survivors living in the here and now. And while their individual recollections of violence may vary, some more horrifying than others, each survivor shares one common profile. Regardless if the abuse was carried out using a belt, a clenched fist, some type of hot liquid or administered through other means, whether the cruel mistreatment occurred over a short period of time or a long one, all of it was visited upon the child by a parent.

This open letter is not an attempt to lash out at abusive parents or for that matter to bastardize them. Instead, this piece of writing is an attempt to express what impact your actions have had on your child and how it has influenced their perceptions of themselves and others in adulthood. It is being offered to give voice to those who are emotionally not able to speak for themselves because of deeply held feelings of fear, guilt, and shame, shrouded in painful memories. While I recognize that there are other forms of abuse, including sexual and emotional, this letter will specifically address physical mistreatment.

And so years ago, when you lashed out and punched him in the face with your fist during a moment of frustration, you emotionally damaged your child. When you beat her with a belt while you were drinking, you emotionally damaged your child. When you threw an ashtray at his head for earning a less than stellar grade, you emotionally harmed your child. And when you tossed hot coffee on her body because you were mad at something she said, you absolutely emotionally harmed your child. In short, whenever you used physical violence against your son or daughter, you damaged your child emotionally in ways that may be beyond your ability to comprehend. But more importantly, you emotionally damaged your child in ways she or he struggles with today.

This is what happens when a child is left with the memory of physical pain - pain inflicted upon the child by a parent who was supposed to be a nurturing, stable and loving force in that young person's life. Here are just a few impact areas that your past abuse may have caused in your adult child's life today. While these may not apply to all survivors, certainly the totality of impact areas are shared:

• Critically low feelings of self-esteem
• Problems with trusting others - particularly those in authority roles
• Strong feelings of self-doubt and uncertainty
• Body-image issues
• Intimacy issues
• Feelings of not being worthy of love from others
• Mistrust of emotions, feelings and even thoughts
• Anger, rage and frustration
• Substance abuse and dependence
• Self-blame for life events
• Depression

It takes near Herculean personal strength for a survivor to even walk into a helping professionals office, an office such as mine, and begin the process of confronting the deeply hidden hurt they feel inside. In such moments, it takes equal strength for me to listen to their stories, as some of them are so brutal that they violate the word human.

Perhaps one day your child will forgive you ... and perhaps not.

For parents who have engaged in physical abuse towards their child, it is important for you to know how you have impacted your son or daughter. Nothing you can do can ever take away the pain you have caused - only through the hard work of the survivor, perhaps coupled with the grace of God, that healing take place. You can

If you are a survivor or physical childhood abuse, know that others join you in your deeply hidden hurt - you are not alone. Consider speaking with a therapist, a minister or joining a support group to share your feelings.

And if you are a parent who has come close to physically harming, perhaps injuring your child - please get help now. There are many support groups available, including Parents Anonymous.

Remember that when you reach out, you are really reaching in.

About the Author

johndmoore.net
JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC is the author of Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship (Writer's Club Press), a book containing a variety of case histories regarding people who use controlling behaviors in personal relationships. Moore is a certified addictions counselor in the state of Illinois and a Professor of Health Sciences at American Public University.