Postcards From The Past

Learning that Past Behavior Does Not Define You
by John D. Moore, MS, CADC

I awoke that Sunday feeling well rested from a peaceful night's sleep, excited about the promise of a new day. The morning started off normal enough - - a few cups of coffee, a casual glance at the Sunday Tribune, and an earful of the latest headlines on NPR.

The "normalness" of my Sunday quickly ended however, when I tapped the required password into the computer and awaited AOL's servers to grant me access to my email. There, stacked on top of 10 other electronic messages was something very unexpected - - a postcard from the past.

An email was sent to me from an anonymous source, threatening to "out" me for some things I had done a few years back. Included in the message was a quote from Richard Nixon, who is alleged to have said, "It's not the lie, it's the cover up." The author, who went through such lengths as to create a phony AOL account, concluded the email by threatening to "cause trouble for me" in the future. Initially, the threat took me by surprise, causing me to experience fear. Upon further reflection however, my fear gave way to peace.

The past is a funny thing isn't it? Like a once forgotten memory, it has a way of "showing up on our doorstep" when we least expect it, causing us to relive something that we thought was behind us.

The past also has a way of reminding us that we are human.

You see once upon a time, I engaged in some behaviors that some people might find unbecoming of a doctoral candidate. I am not going to make excuses or play the "blame game". This behavior is part of my past. Would I change things if I could? You bet. Do I wish I had a magic wand to make things different? Yes. Do I have the power to change the past? No.

In my book, Confusing Love With Obsession, I examine the issue of addictions with a special focus on relationships, control, and sex. Part of publishing this book meant self-disclosing my past and giving up a great deal of privacy. I learned from my mentor and friend that "As an writer, I cannot expect pristine privacy that comes with being John Average Citizen". To be sure, I have learned to accept that if I truly wish to be an author, educator and a counselor, I must lower my own personal expectations of privacy.

Do you have a postcard from the past that has been recently (or not so recently) delivered, threatening to topple your world?

For some people, this "postcard" may mean a bankruptcy "popping up" on a credit report when applying for a new job. For others, it may mean finding out they have a sexually transmitted disease from a "one night stand" they had years ago. And for others, it may mean living in fear of someone who has the power to expose a deep, dark secret (past drug use, drunk driving, being arrested).

The question is - - what does one do with a postcard from the past? Rip it up? Wish it away? Pretend it does not exist? If only it were that easy.

I believe that the past makes up part of who we are, but does not define who we are. One does not define him/herself based on their gender, their sexual orientation, their job, or even their disease. Why define yourself (or let others define you) by your past?

A wise friend once told me: Time is like a road that leads from the past, to the future, and then back again - - the crossroads is at the present.

Right now, you may be at a crossroads of sorts, struggling with a postcard from the past and afraid to live in the present. Don't be. We all have skeletons in our closet that we would rather keep private from the world. And while it's true that we cannot change the past, we can influence the future. I am not suggesting you create a website and "spill your guts to the world", or go around telling everyone your business. However, I am saying that part of being human means having a past.

We are all imperfect and allowed to make mistakes. Sadly, some people try to use our mistakes against us, hoping to cause emotional and psychological harm.

You can end the cycle of self-torture by accepting those less "thrilling" parts of your past. Forgive yourself for whatever you have done and remember the past does not define YOU. Power exists only to those to which it is given. Why give others power over your happiness by allowing them to define you by your past?

Through acceptance and self-forgiveness, your once feared "postcards" from the past will turn into strength, hope, and courage for the future.

About the Author

johndmoore.net
JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC is the author of Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship (Writer's Club Press), a book containing a variety of case histories regarding people who use controlling behaviors in personal relationships. Moore is a certified addictions counselor in the state of Illinois and a Professor of Health Sciences at American Public University.