Dinner: How Can I Decline His Invitation

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I just started a new job a week ago. I work as a receptionist for a company with 15 people in the office. Four partners started the company and one of the partners, a man, approached me today and asked if it would be ok if he took me out for a business dinner. I said, "Sure." I asked another female co-worker what that meant and she told me that when she was hired several months ago, she went out with him too for a business dinner. I know I'm reading into this but I thought about it more tonight and I don't think I would feel comfortable going alone with him because I am a private person and being that I am new, I don't know this guy, except for an occasional hi and goodbye and random conversation around the office. I know that is it strictly business and as he put it, I am an integral part of the company because I am the receptionist. I believe the dinner would be to welcome me to the company. Nonetheless, I still would be uncomfortable because it would feel a little strange since I just started there. Our Christmas party will be coming up soon in the next couple of weeks so I figure we can chat there. I don't really feel I need a dinner with this man, although I'm sure the gesture was sincere. The female co-worker said I should go out with him for dinner because if I turned him down it would look bad and be very insulting. I would suggest lunch but I'm not sure about that either because I only get an hour, which wouldn't be enough time. What is the best way to decline his invitation?

Advice

I feel that if you do not feel comfortable going to dinner with one of the partners, then you are probably not suited for this particular company. This is obviously a small company, with a family type atmosphere, where they like to get to know everyone. I cannot tell you how many dinners I have had in the past, with someone who needed to get to know me first, in order for us to do business. As long as you use your own transportation to get there, I see absolutely no harm in meeting at a public restaurant. It would be one thing if you said, "This guy gives me the creeps," or one of the other girls in the office said. "Watch out for him!" Then you would be completely justified in declining. Another woman has already told you that she did the same thing and I am sure that she would have warned you if she had experienced any inappropriate behavior. It truly is important that, at this point in your life, you either stretch and grow and go outside of your comfort zone or find a large company where you can remain anonymous. You can be the perfect person for a particular position but if the company's philosophy or work environment doesn't suit your personality, it is wise to find that out before you invest too much of your time.

If you do decide to go, you can share whatever you like and hold back the information you don't want to share. You are in complete control over what comes out of your mouth. I am sure that he is not interested in the details of your personal life, but rather how bright you are, your goals, how ambitious you are, whether you can grow with the company and have the potential for a management position in the future. In this day and age when everything is so impersonal, I find it refreshing that a partner would take the time out of his busy schedule to make you feel welcome and important enough to spend his evening with you. I think we have all been tainted to some degree by the personal experiences of someone we know or the bombardment of negativity in our media. It's hard to believe that a "boss" would not have a motive other than to personally welcome you into his company. You are certainly not alone. Most people today are afraid to connect to a stranger. I certainly make sure that my grandchildren stay away from people they don't know. So, could he have ulterior motives? Yes, but what better place than in a public restaurant to find that out. If that turns out to be the case, it would be wise to start looking for another job. Based on what you wrote, my gut feeling is that he will not make you feel uncomfortable in any way.

There is no way proper way to decline a boss's invitation to a business dinner. But if you feel that you absolutely can't go, here is what you can say, "I hope it will be okay with you but I would be more comfortable setting up a meeting with you in the office, during business hours, rather than after hours at a restaurant. Please let me know what day and time would be good for you." Hopefully, he'll understand that you don't want to be out with him alone socially, but you are willing to have a one-on-one meeting so he can find out a little more about you. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com