GOSSIP: When words have the power to hurt

by Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.

"The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human… But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth."

Don Miguel Ruiz, quote from The Four Agreements

In reference to the gossip that abounds on the island I call home, my colleague, Paul Mauchline, sometimes describes Providenciales as "one long string with a lot of tin cans." Gossip is by no means exclusive to our area of the world: it exists everywhere that people live. However, it seems to get magnified within schools and small communities. For example, a couple months after I first moved to Providenciales, I heard a rumor: someone pointed to me and said, "She's getting married next month." When I informed the man I was dating at the time that, not only had we become engaged without our knowledge, but also a date had been set for us, we laughed. A few months later, I heard another rumor: now I was getting a divorce! I was amused: here I was, married and divorced within months, and I had never even known it! In many cases, now, I can smile and laugh when I hear the gossip about me. This wasn't always the case. I remember, as a 13-year-old who was very protective of my reputation, bursting into tears in front of one of my school teachers: "I don't get it!" I cried, "Everyone says I'm fooling around with boys, and I haven't even KISSED anyone yet!" Over time, I realized that one should take gossip with a grain of salt. I have learned that people make assumptions and stories get created, perhaps sometimes maliciously, but probably more often unwittingly, due to misunderstandings.

Gossip is what Don Miguel Ruiz would consider "misuse of the word"; he calls it "pure poison." The words spread through gossip often have the power to hurt not only the person who is the object of the gossip, but also the listener who believes the gossip. For instance, I once met a man through a mutual friend. He seemed nice, intelligent, likable, and fun to be around. Soon after I met him, I heard some negative gossip about him: words were spoken, and poison was spread. It would have been very easy for me to dismiss him at that point, and never take the time to get to know him as a potential friend. However, since I had met him through someone I knew, and since he had not seemed this way to me initially, I thought I might give him a chance and find out for myself. As I got to know him, I discovered a man who seemed more in line with my positive first impressions than with the negative rumors I had heard. Later, when I encountered people who knew him better than the ones who had spread the gossip, very different words were spoken, such as "really good guy." I was glad I took the time to get to know him, rather than avoiding him based upon the gossip I initially had heard. If we succumb to believing all the gossip we hear, we could miss many important opportunities. Hearing negative gossip, we might fail to get to know someone new, give them a chance, form our own opinions, and potentially make a new friend.

Not believing all the gossip we hear is one step. Not spreading the gossip we hear is another. Refraining from gossip can be difficult: gossip seems like such a natural part of human communication. I admit, myself, that while I try very hard to refrain from gossip - or at least attempt to say or repeat only positive things about people, rather than "spread more poison" -- there are times when I catch myself slipping up. Sometimes, we just do it naturally and unwittingly: "Oh, did you hear about so and so…?" Many times, we believe we are simply communicating "a truth," when in fact we are repeating an unsubstantiated rumor. Often, we don't mean to be hurtful, and we may not even realize we are saying something negative. But the poison is spread, the damage is done, and someone can end up feeling hurt.

I offer a few questions for us to keep in the back of our minds as we communicate with others. When you hear something negative about another person who is not present, you may want to ask yourself: Is what I am hearing substantiated and true? Might it be based on false assumptions or a miscommunication? Is the source of my information reliable? Might the person communicating (or THAT person's source) have some negative bias against the person being discussed? Is this MY experience of that person? Shouldn't I investigate this myself, rather than assume it is true?

Before you REPEAT what you have heard, or say anything (especially something negative) about another person, the most important thing to consider is: DOES THIS SERVE? You may want to ask yourself, honestly: Does it serve the person listening to know this information? Am I passing on useful information? Why do I need to repeat this? Am I simply fulfilling my own ego need to be "in the know"? Am I sure that this is true? Whether or not it is true, might I be hurting someone by spreading this information?

We must not forget the power of the word. We can misuse the word, or we can choose to use the word impeccably. My hope is that we, the human race, could learn to stop hurting one another and start creating more beauty and love with the word.

About the Author

The Art of Loving