Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two

by Paul Mauchline

They say, "Breaking up is hard to do." I want to add that breaking up is hard on more people than just two. In recent years, there has been so much focus in the media on the question, "Are you the one for me?" Before committing to a relationship, most people discuss this topic with friends and family, and ponder it on their own. However, in spite of this focus, so many people seem to make poor choices when it comes to relationship partners. Despite the fact we seem to be examining this question with such scrutiny, the divorce rate in the United States, Canada, and several other countries is over fifty percent. It is difficult for me to understand why two people would meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Such a decision has a ripple effect. Whether you have lived common law for two years, or been married for fifteen, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up; it creates a chain reaction that flows down to friends, family, and, most importantly, children if you have them.

If you have children, your relationship problems and breakdown can put their emotional health and well-being at risk. If their concerns are not addressed or treated early on after separation occurs, your children may have their own dysfunctional relationship patterns when they become adults. In the early 1970s, as the divorce rate was beginning to soar, California psychologist Judith Wallerstein began a study of the effects of divorce on 131 middle-class children. After 25 years of studying this group, Wallerstein found that children continue to suffer the emotional repercussions of their parent's divorce as they form their own romantic relationships in their 20s and 30s. Wallerstein found that, "unlike the adult experience, the child's suffering does not reach its peak at the breakup and then level off. The effect of the parent's divorce is played and replayed throughout the first three decades of the children's lives."

In Canada, during the 1980's and 1990's, single parent families increased by 60% in 15 years to 1.1 million. Considering that the population of Canada is fewer than 30 million, this is a significant portion of Canadian families. Social historian David Blankenhorn, author of the book, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, brings to our attention that it is extremely difficult for a single parent to meet all of the emotional needs of a child. A strong relationship with both parents is essential for developing compassionate and confident young men and women. Boys raised in single parent families run a higher risk of becoming aggressive and sexually irresponsible as young men. For girls, being raised in a single parent family leads to a higher prevalence of teen pregnancy and early divorce. The U.S. government recognizes the significant social and economic ramifications of this problem, and has set up several committees to deal with what they view as a critical issue affecting American families.

About the Author

The Art of Loving