Real Moments Cure Any Feelings Of Resentment

by Paul Mauchline

You have just returned home from work after a long, grueling day. You are late: you missed dinner with your family, and now they are all out for evening activities. You see the usual collection of bills that have come in the mail that day. You see an array of dirty pots, pans, and dishes from the dinner you have not yet had yourself. The cat is now meowing at you for his own dinner, because someone forgot to feed him. The laundry is piled high in the laundry room, with last week's ironing. The living room is littered with knapsacks and athletic equipment. Sound familiar? Sure it does. It has happened to most of us at some time in our lives -- for some of us, more times than we care to remember. The more this type of occurrence happens to you, the more you may start to have feelings of resentment towards your loved ones. Sometimes you just want to sit and cry. Other times, you get angry and proceed to clean up the mess. Through the whole process, feelings of resentment grow in your mind as you complete ever clean-up task. Sometimes the troops come home to face your anger and resentment, not knowing the day you have experienced.

I have had those feelings, myself, in the past. I think back right now, with a laugh and a chuckle, about how bent out of shape I could get coming home to World War Three in my household. How did I resolve my feelings of resentment? I changed! I taught myself not to sweat the small stuff. Who cares if the house is a disaster area? Eventually everyone will pitch in to clean it up. I expressed my feelings at the time with my partner and her children. It was through this change in myself - through learning to compromise on the small issues and to communicate about the larger ones -- that I was able to overcome my feelings of resentment about these types of situations. It takes practice and discipline to change, to learn not to sweat the small stuff. In my opinion, having feelings of resentment is a waste of valuable energy: I would rather put that energy into loving those close to me.

As my mind takes me down memory lane to those days, I recall one incident in which I had difficulty overcoming feelings of resentment. My partner at the time wanted to take a one-year sabbatical in order to spend more time with her children, pursue some academic interests, and do some volunteer work in a local school. I agreed to it, knowing fully well that I would have to work harder and much longer hours in order to make ends meet for our family.

To me, it was worth the short-term extra effort to give someone I loved what she needed at the time. However, after about six months, the additional work and the lack of my own leisure time, either for myself or with my family, was taking its toll on me. I was, by the day, becoming more and more irritable, edgy, and just plain unhappy. My lack of patience was causing unnecessary arguments, creating unhappiness for the entire family.

On one particular Sunday afternoon, coming out of a matinee with my partner, I experienced something that significantly changed me. We were leaving the theater when, from out of the blue, a young Korean girl came rushing up to my partner. She embraced my partner around the waist, hugging her with so much love and affection. My partner introduced me to this nine-year-old child: she was a pupil in our local school and lived in our neighborhood. Filled with excitement and, more importantly, love, the young girl then introduced her parents to us, in her native language. Her parents were very gracious; to the best of their ability, they conveyed greetings to us and thanked my partner for teaching English to their child. After they left us, my partner and I proceeded to walk to our car when, all of a sudden, I began to cry. My partner put her arms around me, just as the young girl had done to her, and asked why I was crying. My tears were of joy: I was so very proud of my partner for taking time from her sabbatical to teach English to children such as the young girl I just had met. From that moment on, all my feelings of resentment towards my partner disappeared. During the final six months of her sabbatical, I was filled with the knowing of the contribution she was making to these young children she was teaching. It gave me the strength to continue my extra work, and it provided me with more patience and love for my partner and our family.

I cannot end this article without sharing that this woman and I are no longer together in a primary relationship. The reasons we separated are not important, in terms of the thoughts that I am discussing with you today. I will say, however, that as of today I continue to have a friendship with her and her two daughters based on feelings of love and respect that span over twenty years. Though we all have moved on in different directions, they will always have a piece of my heart. I am grateful for the lessons I learned through my relationship with them. My experience of meeting the young Korean girl and realizing the contribution that my partner was making was a key love lesson; it was, what I would call, a "real moment of love." So many of us hold onto the negative experiences of our past, especially those from our past relationships. I feel it is both important and healthy to remember the positive experiences, the "real moments," and to share these memories with our loved ones.

We all have such real moments with the ones we love, past and present. These experiences allow us to overcome any resentment that we hold inside. Take the time to remember and re-experience those moments when resentment comes knocking on your door. You may find that the feelings of resentment quickly disappear when you remember a real moment of love.

About the Author

The Art of Loving