Just Be Yourself

Perfectly Yourself; 9 Lessons for Enduring Happiness
by Matthew Kelly

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Before the beginning of time, when you were just a dream, your purpose had already been assigned. Purposefully created, and created for a purpose, you are here at this very moment to become the-best-version-of-yourself - not to become some poor imitation of your parents, your friends, your siblings, or your colleagues - but to become perfectly yourself.

Life is not about doing and having; it is about becoming.

Could you have a better dream for your children than to want them to become the-best-version-of-themselves? Could you have a better dream for your spouse than to want him or her to become the-best-version-of-him- or herself? It is the ultimate dream - and when we turn our attention to living this dream, our lives are flooded with energy, enthusiasm, passion, purpose, and a real and sustainable joy. It is time to start living the dream.

When we are healthy in a holistic sense, or in any one aspect of our lives, we are driven by this dream to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. Why are there so many products and programs available that help people transform different areas of their lives? Because there is an enormous demand for them. Marketers know that people have this insatiable desire to improve themselves. This desire is what drives us when we are healthiest.

When we are unhealthy, we tend to abandon our true selves, often wishing we were more like someone else or that we were someone else altogether. This is often most noticeable during adolescence, when people grapple with identity issues. But many of us develop a permanent contempt for ourselves (or for certain aspects of ourselves) during this period of development. This contempt for self stifles our dreams.

Living the dream and striving to become all we are capable of being is the only thing you ever truly need to answer for, and our only regrets come from abandoning our true selves. Are you celebrating your true self, or are you still trying to be the person you think other people want you to be - or the person you think other people will like?

Now is your time. There will never be a better time to begin. It is time now to peel back the layers of conditioning and expectations that have encrusted your heart and mind. It is time to become perfectly yourself.

The first step toward becoming perfectly yourself is acknowledging your imperfections. It may seem ironic, or even paradoxical, but life is often like that. Making peace with your imperfections is as much a part of being perfectly yourself as striving to improve the aspects of your character that have become distorted by experience or habit. It is essential for health of mind, body, and spirit that we recognize that what we often consider to be our imperfections are actually part of our perfection.

The challenge is to discern which of your imperfections are part of who you are when you are perfectly yourself and which are a distortion of your true self. A fine and often hazy line separates these two realities.

A woman with a bubbly personality should not abandon it simply because some people don't like it. It is part of her best and truest self.

You may not be a details person. It's not necessarily a defect. It may just be part of who you are. Everyone doesn't have to be a details person. It doesn't give you permission to be negligent about your commitments, and to some extent you can improve your ability to manage details, but you shouldn't take a job that requires you to constantly manage details, and it would be wise to surround yourself with people who thrive on taking care of the details.

Similarly, your daughter may not excel in math. Her brain may simply be wired to excel in other areas. It is entirely possible that her best self is a poor mathematician. A certain level of practical knowledge in this area is necessary, but she need not be forced to master the upper reaches of mathematics.

On the other hand, if a man is rude and impatient, it is not because these are an expression of his best self; it is rather that they are an expression of behaviors that have been practiced. Personality tendencies and talents should be accepted, but character defects should always be challenged.

Consciously, subconsciously, semiconsciously, we are all preoccupied with this attempt to be more perfectly who we really are at the essence of our being. But think of it in this way: A tree does not try to make all of its branches straight. It is perfect in its imperfection, perfectly imperfect. And yet it does change and grow over time.

The answer, for you and me, is to try to live in that delicate balance between striving to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and talents. Lean too much to one side, and you will smother your wonderful and unique personality. Tend too much to the other, and you will abandon the character that is the source of dignity and self-respect.

We cannot rush to achieve this delicate balance. Often, as soon as it is found, it is lost, and we find ourselves searching for it again. But as we look back on any day or week, there are moments when we can honestly and humbly say, "For that moment I was the-best-version-of-myself!" We need to learn to recognize those moments, understand their secrets, celebrate them, and duplicate them. These moments will help us to find the balance between acceptance of self and our need for change. We must approach this place of balance between accepting ourselves for who we are and challenging ourselves to be all we are capable of being like one would approach a high-spirited animal - calmly and slowly.

I had a friend and mentor once who used to say two things to me repeatedly: "Be kind to yourself" and "All great things can only be achieved with a light heart." This great soul is lost from my life now, but his words endure. Kindness toward ourselves precedes all genuine and lasting growth, and lightheartedness is a sign that we trust that we are exactly where we are right now for a reason.

Copyright © 2006 by Matthew Kelly. Excerpted by permission of Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Matthew Kelly is the author of several books, including The Rhythm of Life and The Seven Levels of Intimacy. His books have appeared on multiple bestseller lists including those of The New York Times, USA Today, and The Wall Street Journal. For more than a decade Kelly has been traveling the globe, and three million people in more than fifty countries have attended his seminars. One of the great emerging voices of our time, Kelly is the founder of The Matthew Kelly Foundation, whose major charitable work is to help young people discover their mission in life. Kelly is also the president of Dream Manager Consulting, a Chicago-based consulting company that helps corporations and individuals identify and live their dreams.