Caregiving : Feeling Frustrated, Geriatric Care Manager

by National Institute on Aging

(Page 3 of 7)

Are there things I can do that will help me feel less frustrated? What can I do to take care of myself?

Feeling frustrated and angry with everyone, from your parent to his or her doctors, is a common caregiving experience. It can be hard to acknowledge that you feel this way, but try not to criticize yourself even more. Caregiving, especially from a distance, is likely to bring out a full range of human emotions, both positive and negative. If you feel angry, it could be a sign that you are overwhelmed or that you are trying to do too much. If you can, give yourself a break: Take a walk, talk with your friends, get some sleep, join a support group - try to do something for yourself.

Consider joining a caregiver support group, either in your own community or online. Meeting other caregivers can relieve your sense of isolation and will give you a chance to exchange stories and ideas. By focusing on what you can do, you may be able to free yourself from some of the worry and focus on being supportive and loving.

Most caregivers report feeling guilty about almost everything - about not being closer, not doing enough, not having enough time. Worrying about being able to afford to take time off from work or the cost of travel can increase frustration.

As one caregiver noted, "When I was growing up, my mother and I weren't very close. As an adult, I ended up across the country. When Mom got sick, my sister took on most of the caregiving. Because I'm hours away, I couldn't be at Mom's bedside regularly but I did call her more often. I worked it out with my sister so I took care of handling Mom's monthly bills. I did visit several times and always encouraged my sister to take a break from caregiving while I was there. Now that Mom's gone, I'm dealing with the estate, closing out accounts, and deciding what to do with the house. We all do what we can."

What is a geriatric care manager and how can I find one? A friend of mine thought that having a professional "on the scene" to help my dad would take some of the pressure off me.

Gina lived in Phoenix, and her father, Bill, lived alone in an LA apartment. She visited him several times each year. When she began to notice that Bill was starting to have problems managing some things on his own, Gina called the Area Agency on Aging. The Agency staff helped her to set up daily meal delivery and a home health aide for Bill. A few months later, Bill fainted in church and was taken to a local hospital. He was there for a day before someone was able to track Gina down. The hospital discharge planner wanted Gina to come in person to discuss what her father needed - but Gina couldn't get away immediately. Her husband suggested hiring a geriatric care manager, someone based in LA who could keep tabs on Bill more efficiently than Gina. Now a care manager visits Bill once a month and calls Gina with updates and recommendations.

Professional care managers are usually licensed nursing or social work professionals who specialize in geriatrics. Some families hire a geriatric care manager to evaluate and assess a parent's needs and to coordinate care through community resources. The cost of an initial evaluation varies and may be expensive, but geriatric care managers can offer a useful service. They are a sort of "professional relative" to help you and your family to identify needs and how to meet them. These professionals can also be helpful in leading family discussions about sensitive subjects.

When interviewing a geriatric care manager, you might want to ask:

• Are you a licensed geriatric care manager?
• Are you a member of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers?
• How long have you been providing care management services?
• Are you available for emergencies?
• Does your company also provide home care services?
• How will you communicate information to me?
• What are your fees? Will you provide them in writing prior to starting services?
• Can you provide references?

The National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers can help you find a care manager near your family member's community. You can also call or write the Eldercare Locator for recommendations. In some cases, local chapters of the Alzheimer's Association may be able to recommend geriatric care managers who have assisted other families.

How can I keep up with my mom's medical care? I don't know where to start.

Health care experts recommend that you start by learning as much as you can about your parent's illness, current treatments, and its likely course. This information will be essential as you help your parent and the primary caregiver cope with day-to-day concerns, make decisions, and plan for the future.

When you visit your parent, consider going along on a doctor's appointment (check that your parent does not mind having you there). Some long-distance caregivers say that making a separate appointment with a doctor allows them to seek more detailed information and answers to questions. These appointments must be paid for out-of-pocket.

You must have permission to have any conversation with your parent's doctor. Ask your parent to complete a release form that allows the doctor to discuss his or her health care with you. Be sure the release is up-to-date and that there's a copy in your parent's records in addition to keeping a back-up copy for your files.

Evaluating Health Information Online

Many people search online to find information about medical concerns. But not all health information online is of equal quality. The following questions may help you decide if the information you find online is reliable:

• Who is responsible for the content?
• What are the author's credentials?
• Is the purpose and goal of the sponsoring organization clearly stated?
• Is there a way to contact the sponsor for more information?
• Is the website supported by public funds or donations?
• Is advertising separate from content?

About the Author

www.nia.nih.gov
NIA, one of the 27 Institutes and Centers of NIH, leads a broad scientific effort to understand the nature of aging and to extend the healthy, active years of life. In 1974, Congress granted authority to form NIA to provide leadership in aging research, training, health information dissemination, and other programs relevant to aging and older people.