Adoption : When Parents Should Become Concerned

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

(Page 4 of 4)

The following behaviors may indicate a teen is struggling with adoption issues:

• comments about being treated unfairly compared to the family's birth children;
• a new problem in school, such as trouble paying attention;
• a sudden preoccupation with the unknown;
• problems with peers; or
• shutting down emotionally and refusing to share feelings.

If your family style is one of open communication, you may be able to deal with these issues without professional help. Educate yourself through books or workshops run by agencies that provide postadoption services. Join an adoptive parent support group, which can be a valuable resource for families. Child Welfare Information Gateway can refer you to adoptive parent support groups in your area. Support groups also exist for adopted teenagers.

Chances are that if you have not been comfortable discussing adoption issues with your child in the past, it will be difficult to begin now. "The time to start talking about these issues is when children are younger," says MaryLou Edgar, postadoption specialist with Tressler Lutheran Children's Services in Wilmington, Delaware. "Otherwise, your kids know you aren't comfortable with the subject. It's like sex. One talk when your child is 12 isn't enough." Nonetheless, even if these discussions have not taken place earlier, it is up to the parents to initiate them with their teenagers, Edgar advises.

Many families benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in working with adoptive families. Adoptive family organizations, adoption agencies in your area, and Information Gateway may be helpful in suggesting knowledgeable therapists.

As with all teens, you should seek professional help if you see any of the following behaviors:

• drug or alcohol abuse;
• a drastic drop in grades or a sharp increase in skipping school;
• withdrawal from family and friends;
• risk taking; or
• suicide threats or attempt.

If adoption is part of the problem, openly addressing adoption issues will improve the chances that the treatment will be effective. Parents who recognize that their teens have two sets of parents and who don't feel threatened by that fact are more likely to establish a more positive environment for their teens, one that will make them feel more comfortable to express their feelings. "Kids know early on what subjects their parents are uncomfortable discussing and will avoid them," says McCabe. "Secrets take a lot of energy. When there is freedom to discuss adoption issues, there is much less of a burden on the family."

"There is a significant difference in the way teenagers perceive themselves when they have information about their birth families - ethnic heritage, abilities, education, or just what they looked like," says Marcie Griffen, postadoption counselor at Hope Cottage Adoption Services in Dallas, Texas. "When they know why they were placed for adoption, it tends to help their self-esteem and give them a better sense of who they are."

Sue Badeau understands her children's need to connect with their biological parents. She and her husband Hector agree that openness is important to the well-being of everyone in the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birthparents, and the adopted person). The Badeaus are committed to helping their children discover their roots if and when they want to. Recently, the Badeaus located the birthmother of four of their children: Flora, Sue Ann, Abel, and George. Flora, 13, was having trouble giving up the fantasy that her birthmother was going to come back for them so "they could live happily ever after." Sue and Hector persuaded their children's birthmother to assist them in helping Flora put her fantasies to rest. The birthmother helped Flora understand why she and her siblings were placed for adoption. Sue Ann was grateful for the chance to have some of her questions answered, but the boys wanted nothing to do with their birthmother at that time. "I keep telling all of my kids that their families did the best that they could," says Sue. "Birthmothers aren't the horrible monsters people make them out to be, but real people who make mistakes."

Conclusion

Adolescence can be a confusing time for teens. Adopted teens may have special issues connected to identity formation, rejection, control, and the need to connect with one's roots. It helps when parents are understanding and supportive. Questions surrounding these issues are not a reflection of adoptive parents' parenting style. Wanting to know about their birth family does not mean that adopted teens are rejecting their adoptive family.

If your family has a long-standing history of openness, honesty, and comfort with adoption, chances are that you will be able to help your teen work through adolescence. When openness has not been your family style, or if you see alarming behaviors such as drug use or withdrawal from enjoyable activities, you should seek professional help.

Mental health experts are confident that adopted teens can confront and resolve their developmental issues just as their nonadopted peers do. With the support and understanding of their parents, adopted teens can forge even stronger family bonds that will continue to nurture their future relationships.

About the Author

www.childwelfare.gov
Formerly the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families. A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.