Parenting the Adopted Adolescent

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

This fact sheet explores the effect of adoption on adolescent development and behavior. Identity formation, fear of abandonment, issues of control, feelings of not belonging, and desires to connect with birth families are described. The briefing also reviews the reactions of teens who were adopted at an older age and provides suggestions for parental response to problems. A list of training programs and materials is attached to the factsheet.

Parenting the Adopted Adolescent

Most parents worry about their child when he or she reaches adolescence. Will the child who was once easygoing and helpful become moody and disrespectful? Will the child who was fiercely independent when young become a teen who gives in to peer pressure? Will the child who has had a conventional style of dress suddenly color his or her hair purple?

When adopted children reach adolescence, their parents are likely to be anxious and have an additional set of questions. Will the child become confused about his or her identity? Will a sense of abandonment and rejection replace feelings of security and comfort? Is the child behaving in a way that reflects inner turmoil about the past? Each of these questions leads to a larger issue: Will being adopted make adolescence harder for the child?

These questions don't have simple answers. Only a few studies have compared the psychological well- being of adopted adolescents with that of nonadopted adolescents. Some of those studies conclude that having been adopted makes no difference in adolescent behavior. Others suggest that adopted teenagers are more likely than others to experience problems. Experts disagree about the relative importance of the role of parents, the "climate" of the family, and the natural temperament of the teenager as contributors to adolescent problems. There are two points on which they agree, however. (1) Being adopted is an undeniable part of a teen's history and should not be ignored. (2) Adopted adolescents can successfully confront and resolve their special developmental issues.

This factsheet is a guide to parents of adopted teenagers. It focuses on child development, typical adolescent behavior, the special issues of adopted teenagers, the times when parents should become concerned, and the steps parents can take to make these difficult years more manageable.

How Children Develop

From infancy on, children alternate between bonding with their caregivers and learning to become independent. Infants begin to gain independence by learning to crawl and then walk. As infants become toddlers, they start to give nonverbal and later verbal messages that express their wishes and opinions.

Up to about age 6, children absorb information rapidly, asking questions nonstop. They are able to think about being abandoned, getting lost, or no longer being loved by their parents. They often have trouble telling the difference between reality and fantasy. At the same time, they experience separation from loved ones as they attend preschool or daycare programs and broaden their interests and group of friends.

The inner lives of children take shape between the ages of 6 and 11. From the security of their families, children begin to expand their horizons and participate in more activities away from home. It can be a difficult time. Children must cement their sense of belonging to their family while mastering the knowledge and skills required for independence. It is no wonder that by the time they become teenagers their struggles to form an identity may feel overwhelming and may lead to perplexing, and sometimes troublesome, behavior.

Typical Adolescent Behavior

Adolescence is a trying time of life for both teenagers and their families. The physical aspects of adolescence - a growth spurt, breast development for girls, a deepening of the voice for boys - are obvious and happen quickly, whereas mental and emotional development may take years.

The main challenge for teenagers is to form their own identity - an achievement not nearly as simple as it sounds. It means, according to adoption experts Kenneth W. Watson and Miriam Reitz, that teenagers must define their values, beliefs, gender identification, career choice, and expectations of themselves.

In forming an identity, most adolescents try on a variety of personas. They look for, imitate, and then reject role models. They examine their families critically - idolizing some people, devaluing others. They shun or embrace family values, traditions, ideas, and religious beliefs. Sometimes they have enormous self-confidence; sometimes they feel at loose ends and think of themselves as utterly worthless. They may believe something one day, and then change their minds and think the opposite the next day. Ultimately, they must come to terms with the big questions: Who am I? Where do I belong?

Teenagers are acutely aware that they are growing away from their families. As they look for ways to demonstrate their individuality, they often take on the values, beliefs, and actions of others their age or of celebrities they admire. Even though they are trying to set themselves apart from their families, they often want to look, act, and dress just like their friends.

Teenagers are still dependent on their parents, however, and may veer back and forth between striking out and staying close. "Parents should realize," write Jerome Smith and Franklin Miroff in their book You're Our Child: The Adoption Experience, "that the adolescent is primarily a child and not an adult, except in the biological sense. Emotionally, he is still as dependent on his parents as always."

It is not surprising, therefore, that disagreements between parents and teenagers occur. Adolescents want independence, yet they are unsure how much freedom they can really handle. Parents want their teens to move toward self-sufficiency but often are reluctant to give up control. Teenagers are confused about their futures, and parents are anxious about who or what their sons and daughters will become.

Adolescents wrestle with issues of sexuality and spend time thinking about and wishing for romantic relationships. Parents worry about their teenagers' choices of partners and friends. Often, parents don't know what advice to give or how to give it.

These kinds of tensions generally characterize the parent - teen relationship. There are additional issues for teens who came to their families through adoption.

About the Author

www.childwelfare.gov
Formerly the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families. A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.