Adoption : The Search for Birth Parents

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

(Page 4 of 4)

Nonetheless, adoptees thinking about searching hear many voices. One voice tells them not to open Pandora's box-they may be devastated by what they find. Perhaps they will experience rejection or find a birth parent who needs emotional or financial support they are not prepared to give. What about the rights of the birthmother who may have carved out a life for herself and does not want the intrusion? Adoptees must also consider their adoptive parents and the grief that a search may bring them. Adoptive parents may feel unloved, unappreciated, and hurt by their child's need to find his or her "real" parents.

Experienced adoption therapists say that while adoptees may want to take other people's real or imagined feelings into consideration, their own feelings are also important. In most cases, they did not have any control over whether they were placed for adoption, or with whom. Searching is a way for them to get back some of that control, fill in missing pieces, and move on. If adoptees have a strong urge to seek out the people to whom they are biologically related, most therapists say they should follow it. In addition, adoptees planning to search for their birth parents and hoping to have a reunion should have a support network in place while going through the process. The support network can be the adoptee's spouse and children, adoptive family, good friends, therapist, support group, or a combination of several of these.

"One of the misconceptions that adoptive parents have," explained Dr. Schechter, "is that they have done something to make their child want to search. They haven't. Everyone needs to feel that they are part of a continuum of a family. It represents a normal need in people to know, for instance, why they are artistic but their family isn't, why they are gregarious and their parents are quiet. As more is learned about genetics, scientists are discovering that many talents and personality traits have a genetic basis." In fact, a successful search, with the support of adoptive parents, often makes relationships between parents and adopted persons closer.

Dr. Sorosky and his research team found that almost all adoptees in their study wanted to know about their genetic past. Perhaps some did not focus on their adoption and were able to resolve issues surrounding it on their own, or had enough information about the circumstances of their adoption to satisfy them. Adoptees who are basically curious and questioning may decide to undertake an active search. In either case, their decision is not necessarily related to the quality of the relationship between them and their adoptive parents.

For those who do search, the goal should be the truth. They must be willing to accept whatever they find. Even for those adoptees who have searched for birth parents only to experience rejection again, the result is still viewed positively. Many believe that searching helped them to finally achieve adulthood, lay aside childhood fantasies, and accept themselves as a whole person.

For many, searching can be an important step toward resolving questions of origin. However, even meeting one's birth family will not magically restore self-esteem or erase the sense of rejection that adoptees may have felt through the years. Post-reunion issues themselves take a lot of work; for instance, deciding how involved to be with birth family members after finding them and how to combine those relationships with adoptive family relationships. Gaining the birth family as an adult cannot make up for the years that were not spent together on a day-to-day basis. But it certainly can bring an added dimension to one's life.

Steve Harris remembers, "The night I spoke with my birthmother for the first time-we spent about three hours talking on the telephone about our likes and dislikes-closure was brought to a part of my life. I can remember waking up the next day feeling great. It was the most peaceful night's sleep I'd ever had."

Conclusion

For adoptees, adoption brings with it certain core issues. As adopted children grow into adulthood, they carry their thoughts and feelings about being adopted with them. Adult adoptees may have no, some, or great difficulty dealing with these thoughts and feelings. Some will struggle with the added dynamic that adoption brings to their life, and for others there will be little or no struggle.

We hope this factsheet has been helpful in at least pointing out to adult adoptees that they are not alone, whatever their feelings about being adopted. There are many helpful resources available to them, among them Child Welfare Information Gateway.

Child Welfare Information Gateway can help adult adoptees in three ways. First, Information Gateway publishes a related factsheet called "Searching for Birth Relatives." In addition to discussing the issues, the factsheet also provides a State-by-State list of all the known national and local adult adoptee search and support groups in the United States. Second, Information Gateway provides referrals to a growing list of adoption experts, some of whom are psychotherapists (counselors) who specialize in working with adult adoptees and others who are touched by adoption. Third, Information Gateway can supply bibliographic information on many other books and articles on relevant topics. For any of these resources, contact Child Welfare Information Gateway at Child Welfare Information Gateway, Children's Bureau/ACYF, 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW, Eighth Floor, Washington, DC 20024 or by phone at 703.385.7565 or toll free 800.394.3366.

About the Author

www.childwelfare.gov
Formerly the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families. A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.