Bonding with Your Adopted Child

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

For foster families who choose to adopt the child or children in their care, there are a number of ways to help these children make the emotional transition from being "a ward of the State or the Court" to being "a son or daughter" of specific parents. While parents may appreciate the difference in the child's role within their family, children may not clearly comprehend the difference between being a foster child versus being an adopted child when they continue to live in the same family. There are specific things families can say and do to help children understand these differences. This factsheet describes:

• Talking with children about the changes
• Activities to help children understand their own history and background
• Helping children adjust to losses
• Helping children transfer attachments

Talking With Children About the Changes

In preparing to talk to children about the changes that occur with adoption, parents and other caring adults in children's lives should remember to engage the child in the process and listen carefully to the words the child uses and to the questions the child asks. Questions about the birth family and their status may need to be addressed. It is important to always tell the truth - even if it is painful - and to validate the child's experience and feelings. While these talks may bring up painful feelings for children, and for parents who love them, helping children to grieve can also help them to move on to a feeling of permanency in their foster/adoptive family.

Talks between parents and children about the differences in status within the foster family and the adoptive family will probably need to be repeated several times and in a variety of ways, so children can fully understand at their own level. It is best if these conversations take place when the parent and child are engaged in activities together. Adoption professional H. Craig-Oldsen offers the following suggestions for making these talks beneficial for the child:

Plan the discussion. In collaboration with the social worker, the parents should decide if they want to talk with the child first and have the social worker reinforce what was said in a later conversation, or if they would like to talk to the child together about the change from being in foster care to being adopted. Parents should be prepared to answer the child's questions that may be raised by the discussion.

Help the child talk about the perceived difference in his or her own words. The parents should ask open-ended questions of the child such as, "How do you think being adopted will be different from being in foster care?" or "What do you think the biggest difference will be, when you're adopted?"

Help the child draw analogies to something in the child's own life. For instance, a parent might say, "This is like the time when . . . ."

There are a number of changes in status that will affect the child, and these should be discussed, depending on the child's developmental level.

1. To help the child understand the legal differences between foster care and adoption, foster parents might talk about how the adoption court hearing is different from other court hearings the child might have remembered from foster care. Some parents may explain adoption by using marriage as an analogy. The court hearing is like the marriage ceremony, and the adoption certificate is like the marriage certificate that makes the relationship legal and permanent. (Parents who use this analogy should be prepared for questions about divorce, depending on the child's experience.)

2. Older children who are aware of the foster care board payment or adoption assistance their parents receive might be helped to understand the financial differences inherent in foster care and adoption. These payments might be compared to a child's allowance; older children may be able to understand the payments as costs to meet the child's needs. Experienced adoptive parents note the importance of honesty, compassion, and developmental appropriateness in conversations with children regarding these issues.

3. To help children understand the parenting differences between foster care and adoption, parents might remind the child that when in foster care, the parents had to get a permission slip signed by an agency social worker to go on a field trip, spend the night at a friend's house, or travel across State lines; now that their foster parents are their legal parents, the parents can sign permissions for these types of things without needing to go through an agency or court.

One way to explain the changes from foster care to adoption is to talk about the roles that different parents play in the child's life.

Aspects/Roles of Parenting for Children in Placement

Birth parents: give children life, gender, physical appearance, predisposition for certain diseases, intellectual potential, temperament, and talents. These aspects never change.

Legal parents: provide financial responsibility, safety, and security; make major decisions (where to live and go to school), and are legally responsible for the child's actions. While children are in foster care, the court/agency plays this role with a child. Upon adoption of a foster child, this role is transferred to the adoptive parents.

Parenting parents: provide love, discipline, daily needs (food, clothes, toys, etc.), homework help, transportation, life skills, values, religion, and more. Foster and adoptive parents play this role in the child welfare system. If children are in residential care, this role might be played by house parents or childcare workers.

About the Author

www.childwelfare.gov
Formerly the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families. A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.